Pop-Tarts

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The delicious Nail Polish Remover flavored Pop-Tarts, a market leader!

Pop-Tarts are a flat rectangular toaster pastry first created by accident during the Manhattan Project. They are possibly the most dangerous breakfast food item ever introduced in the major market, with a 97%-uranium filling vacuum sealed between two layers of medium-density fiberboard, which makes them the ideal fuel-source for the generators at PTI. On the top is usually a thin layer of frosting, made from either the blood of a virgin or the saliva from the three-headed canine guardian of hell's gate, Cerberus (depending on what flavor you buy). Sometimes both. The main ingredient is evil, they are usually sold in pairs inside packages made of human flesh, and frosted Pop-Tarts are not suitable for veterinarians because they contain gelatin.

At first, Pop-Tarts were not frosted because it was believed that the frosting would melt in the toaster and cause a nuclear explosion. However, Russians discovered in that the frosting could survive the toaster in what is now known as "RDS-1". The first frosted Pop-Tarts were released in Leningrad in 1950 under the name Red Squares. This is because in Mother Russia, tarts pop you.

Since their creation, Pop-Tarts have served as the epitome by which all not-nice things are measured. Pop-Tarts may look and taste edible, but actually slowly kill you from the inside out. The CIA theorizes that the Weapons of Mass Destruction they were looking for might be Pop-Tarts or at least Pop-Tarts are a key asset.

Pop-Tarts are Kelloggs' most popular brand, selling more than two billion Pop-Tarts each year. For tax reasons, Pop-Tarts are considered to be cookies and should always be pronounced as a plural, never "Pop-Tart" or "Funtangle" in the singular form. They are distributed mainly in the United States, but are also available in the United Kingdom, Australia, and Hell.

[edit] Directions

Pop-Tarts should never be heated in a microwave. The product is called a Pop-Tarts, not a Lie-down-on-sticky-microwave-bottom-tarts. If you absolutely have to use a microwave because your toaster is broken, then follow the instructions on the box. They are:

Always be prepared when cooking Pop-Tarts.

Microwave on high setting for 3 seconds. Heaven forbid we should microwave Pop-Tarts for four seconds, lest we wish to taste fire and brimstone.

If you decide to make the right choice and use a toaster like intended, then follow these directions:

Remove the Pop-Tarts from their flesh wrapper.
Place the Pop-Tarts (now this is really, really important) vertically within the toaster. The consequences of placing it horizontally can be dire, so heed our word.

98.6% of people who placed Pop-Tarts in horizontally have experienced the true evil that is Pop-Tarts and died. The other 1.4% refuse to speak of this unimaginable horror.

Toast the Tarts on the lowest possible setting, approximately 2^o F for one minute, so the heat may spread all along the interior, and so the filling will still be boiling hot when you bite down on it, thereby leaving your mouth burnt and scarred forever. Remember, Pop-Tarts need very little toasting, as they generate their own heat via nuclear fusion deep within their core.
When you are done heating your Pop-Tarts, enjoy them. This may be the last time you eat ANYTHING.
Immediately proceed towards the bathroom and sit promptly on the toilet (make sure the seat is up).
Prepare for convulsions.

Because Pop-Tarts can easily reach absolute zero in a freezer, and because absolute zero tastes awesome, Pop-Tarts may also be eaten frozen. A brand of Pop-Tarts specifically made for eating frozen was introduced for a short while, but the brand was quickly recalled by the FDA due to reported cases of mercury poisoning.

[edit] Flavors

There are currently thirty exciting flavors of Pop-Tarts. Below are just a few:

Fried Vomit
Nail Polish Remover
Cat Piss
Hot Fudge Feces
Methamphetimine
Despair
Vodka
Flavor Flav
Taco
S'mores
Uranium
Gasoline
McMierda
Strawberry
Nicotine
E. Coli
Deer
Beef & Yogurt
Shellfish
Bariatric Surgery
Coal
Hog Family Jewels
Manbearpig
Cherry (warning: most concentrated form of pure evil per square inch)
Banana Slug
Dandruff
Plaque (From Braces!)
Some Random Flavor
Corpse
Carmen Electra
Menstrual Blood
Baby
Fetus (available in 6 weeks developed or 12 weeks)
Small Dog
Blended Kitten
Death (see Cherry)
Feed Me, Seymour!
Cockroach
Mushroom
Corn on the Cob
Smores

[edit] Other Uses

Pop-Tarts, throughout their history, have been found to have other uses. For decades, they were used as an emetic (a substance used to induce vomiting). Ironically, they also doubled as a laxative for a short period of time before they were reformed and made more digestible (Neo-Pop). When melted down, Pop-Tarts can be used to run a car. This unnamed fuel may release more pollutants and rust the interior metal logic of the vehicle, but has proven itself more efficient than contemporary premium brands of gasoline. Due to their combustibility, Pop-Tarts can also be ignited and used as powerful explosive devices. If left out after heating, Pop-Tarts take on a very dense and hardened form, making it a very convenient item to strike someone over the head with. But, the greatest non-food or non-weapon use of Pop-Tarts is their use at Pop-Tart Island as a fuel source.

It is for all of these reasons and more that Pop-Tarts are metaphysically bad for you and are not safe for human consumption.

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