Pooperang

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This one is never going to fly. Its shape is incorrect; pooperanging is also illegal on Tuesdays

“What goes around, comes around”
~ Fred Phelps, who was more full of shit than any man on Earth

The Pooperang is a throwing weapon made by taking fresh human feces and curving it in such a manner that it returns to the thrower after being flung. Its one flaw is that it often comes apart upon being caught; it is for this reason that a diet of talc and walnuts is recommended for those who wish to create the weapon. Scientists do not yet know why pooperangers (as modern pooperang hobbyists are called) want their shit to return to them.

edit Early history

Cave paintings dating back to the early 1940s indicate that it has been in use for centuries. Darwin theorized that the use of a pooperang was what separated man from the lower, higher, and middling animals. Forming the pooperang, along with the development of written language and indoor swimming pools, is cited as a watershed moment in the evolution of human civilization.

Most cultures on earth have their own interpretation of this fertile, versatile, and often potent weapon. In medieval Germany it was called "der Flingenkrappen". In ancient Polynesia, it was often called "Bagogadonk". The Aztecs called theirs "Shlitcacapoopezca". The English were the last to discover the weapon upon their colonization of Austrailia (being too squeamish at the thought of handling their own shit). The aborigines, having already used their "Shitorang" for thousands of years, lent the idea to the English out of politeness. The English, though apprehensive, accepted the gift. One sailor was heard to have said "Blimey, why didn' we think 'o' this before? Cheerio!" and thanked the Aborigines promptly by subjecting them to more than a hundred years of oppressive colonial rule and ethnic cleansing.

edit Military applications

Vlad the Impaler was purported to use it as a last resort in his defense of Wallachia in the early 1100s a.d. It was famously used by Napoleon's armies in the Battle of Waterloo. It also played a prominent role in the American Revolution as George Washington's weapon of choice in the battles of Lexington and Concord. It reached its greatest prominence when Winston Churchill flung a particularly long, ropy specimen directly at Heinrich Himmler and proclaimed "Eat shite, you daft kraut chicken-farmer!"

Military use of the weapon was banned during the Nuremberg trials. After two or more decades of languishing in obscurity, Gerhardt "Grabass" Morrison, a former olympic gymnast and plumber, revived pooperanging as a popular sport. He began the contests in the backyard of his modest estate in Owlcock, North Carolina. After raising money by prostituting himself and running a bakesale, he began the first official Pooperanger's Club in 1956. Exhibitions were held where contestants' skills and products were tested. Soon, people flocked to Owlcock from around the country to witness the daring feats of what were soon called "fecal athletes". It was at the third annual Pooperang and Skinnydipping festival that a fertilizer magnate from Texas and a Hollywood advertising executive got the idea to promote the sport on a national scale. Contracts and nude sketches were drawn up soon afterward and the first national exhibition was held at Yankee's Stadium in New York City. It is for this reason that before every Yankee's game, a ceremonial pooperanger attempts to toss one so that it circles all three bases. While many believe this practice brings good luck, the Groundskeeper's Association of America decries the activity as "vulgar", "disgusting", and "Why the fuck are they throwing shit all over my grass?!?"

edit Olympic Pooperanging

Pooperanging became an official Olympic sport in 1982 along with Dutch Chess and Midget Tossing. Hank "Fuck-Knuckles" Farber, the champion of the previous year's exhibition at Owlcock, was the first official coach for the US team. He managed to gather a team of four regional champions: Tom "Guttercunt" O'Connor, Richard "Clitspanker" Micheson, Gregory "Pussydumpster" Simmons, and Dick "Spermbucket" Dickenson. The team would win two bronze and two silver medals overall: O'Connor won the silver medal for longest toss. Dickenson came in second in the shaping contest. Micheson won the swimsuit raffle, modeling an exquisite two-piece bikini. Simmons lost the "looping" competion by two one-hundredths of a second.

The U.S. Olympic team has not won any medals above silver since the first matches. Canadians have won the most gold medals since the mid-1990s.

The first female pooperanger to win a gold medal in the Olympics was Tomoe "Pupu" Shimezen, an already accomplished fecal athlete from Japan.

edit Controversy

Controversy would charaterize the later years of Olympic Pooperanging due to rampant use of steroids and laxatives by the athletes. In 1995, the famed Scandanavian champion pooperanger Gnardjunkle "Flerginderginspunklebum" Johanneson would be prosecuted by the International Pooperanging board for using at least six pounds' worth of laxatives for one competition. The committee ruled in its investigation that laxatives gave him an unfair advantage in the shaping portion of the competition and gave his specimen "aerodynamic properties not natural to human shit". Gnardjunkle, in defense of his performance, claimed that "It just comes out watery, is all; blame my colon, not me!!!. Johnny Cochrane, his defense lawyer, famously proclaimed in his final statement to the committee tribunal that This man could be shitting you. That's what he does; he's a nautral-born pooperanger. But, unlike my client, I'm not a pooperanger, I ain't shitting you. This boy is just gifted with a golden colon. I ain't never heard of nobody goin' to jail because their shit's softer than most.

edit Proper Technique

Producing the raw materials for a pooperang is as easy as eating an entire loaf of bread, grabbing a magazine, and waiting between four and seven hours. Once excreted, shape the material into a forty-five degree curve, allowing for one end to be slightly thicker than the other. This will allow for maximum grip and balance it in flight.

Throwing should be done in a crowded area with lots of pedestrians (ideally, a public park, grocery store, or family reunion). That way, someone will be able to retrieve the pooperang should it not return to the thrower upon the first attempt. To throw it, gyrate the hips and wiggle the toes whilst snapping the wrist and cocking the head to the left. It ought to travel in three consecutive loops before returning to the point from whence it was thrown.

Caution: never, under any circumstances, attempt to produce or throw a pooperang after eating Mexican or Indian food. Most of the fires in Detroit, Michigan are caused by careless pooperangers who attempt to do just that.

Olympic Pooperanging imposed several new rules on the tradtional sport. Contestants had to wear protective padding in addition to helments. Traditionalists disparaged the padding as unnecessary at first, and to protest the 1996 Olympics most performed in the nude. However, the endorsement deals from Nike (whose Just Shit It campaign grossed billions worldwide) and Addidas (who marketed their famous trademark name to mean All Day I Dream About Shitting to pooperanging athletes and launched a worldwide advertising campaign) proved more attractive to up-and-BMing athletes than the words of traditionalists.

It continues to be a popular sport today, despite the mess.

edit See also

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