Pooper Scooper Tuesday

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In the United States, the President is erected or elected (depending on which gender they are) via a system of electoral garbage collections, a finely-tuned set of checks and balances that ensure the unique discrepancies that form the system of government.

The President, as the chief elected representative of the people of the United States, is elected in such a fashion as to reflect and maintain the conceit that he (or Hillary) will fairly represent and follow the wishes of the people, which of course he (or Hillary) will not.

The complete process is a quagmired quilt of quicksand, which has never been documented and is certainly not elaborated on by the Constitution (see HowTo:Win a Presidential Election in the USA); it culminates in the election of the President on the second Tuesday of November in an election year. Hence, the most important date of this process is the first Tuesday of February: This is the date known as Pooper Tuesday. Due to the increased amount of emissions now created, it has now become known as Pooper Scooper Tuesday, although some contend that such concentrated levels of excreta justify the term Punani Tuesday.

Below we will cover some of the better-understood processes of Pooper Scooper Tuesday.

edit Garbage Collection Delegates

The first counterweight against the balance of democracy is representation of state by state. Election of the President is calculated separately in each state, to reflect the speed of 19th century communication, a time and era which the USA likes to promote to the world, especially when spreading democracy. Each state is given a weighting, determined by taking the number of eligible voters in each state, and using it to seed a random number generator.

More significantly, instead of people voting directly for their chief commander, they vote for people who have their say for them. This is done to reflect the feeling of powerlessness and disconnect that citizens feel in the process of government.

As people express their "crap", otherwise known as opinions, on who to rule over them or what they think about those who rule over them — or their apathy about such matters — whichever the case may be, this is a system known as Garbage Collection. The people whose job it is to actually represent the crap that the public is feeling, are the Garbage Collection Delegates.

This is, of course, too simple; this garbage collection system has, however, been incorporated into the Pooper Scooper concept.

edit First Past the Post

The next counterweight against the changing winds of democracy is the portability of the post, or the measure of success. Any given delegate can win with less than 50% of the vote, because of the ingenious idea of relabelling the minimum requirement as the post. The beauty of this concept is that the so-called post can move.

Say there are 2 candidates. One candidate gets support from 30% of the population, the next gets 20% support, and the other half of the eligible population votes not to vote and stays home to download MP3s and porn. Thus the post is redefined to be 30% and the candidate with that much support wins.

Now say there are 4 candidates. One candidate gets 20% support, the next gets 10% support, and the other two 15%. Because the internet is slow that day, only 40% of the eligible population stays home to do illegal downloads. In this case, the winning candidate only needs 20% to win, and the post is moved there instead.

This process of democracy is self-replicating, and explains how a democracy like America can export itself to Iraq with only 20% or 30% support.

Again, this is too simple, but has also been seen fit to incorporate into the superior Pooper Scooper concept.

edit Primaries

The next counterweight against the terraforming forces of democracy is the Primary. As the name suggests, Primaries are in fact more important than the election of the President where everybody has a chance to vote.

Primaries are one of two processes designed to ensure that Presidential delegates are filtered and sifted through a private organisation, such as a political party. These private bodies accept the crap (opinions, views, etc) that members of the public hold, and deflect them in such a way as to promote delegates with large amounts of liquid assets or strong crowd-hypnosis abilities that work on a given race or religion.

One of the known ways in which this is achieved is to multiply the voting power and thus increase the influence of people who earn a living derived from the gambling addiction of others.

Another popular method, employed by the parties (private organisations) in some states, is to allow people who don't support any of the delegates in the party, or the party itself, to have an equal influence in the selection of that party's candidate.

Another fairly common method is to combine the Primary with a First Past the Portable Post system and simply grant all the Garbage Collection Delegates from one state to one candidate. He might have slightly more people who like his brand of crap, and yet still stink more to all the voters than another delegate. (Note: This combination is only optional with Party Garbage. When it comes time to decide which party's garbage is best in November, the winner takes all the delegates and they help him take out the trash nationally).

States which choose not to employ a Primary process will choose their candidate with a Cackass.

edit Cackasses

The Cackass is a far older method than the Primary, to deflect and redirect the crap (opinions, views, etc) that members of the public hold. The Cackasses are one of the very least understood processes by people in other countries, but form part of the very unique way America goes about doing its business.

The way that a Cackass works is this: Each candidate has a certain type of crap which they have spent months or years collecting. They each groom a number of deputies, and spread that crap (gospel, ideals, etc) around and around with them, and teach them how to spread crap onto others. The crap is then spread around again and again until everybody in the state is covered with shit.

Then, on a given date, every eligble voter in the state who gives a crap is herded into various rooms around the state. The doors are then locked tight shut, so the voters can't get out while the rooms are pumped full of hot air and faeces. Not surprisingly, many voters are reluctant to put up with this crap and have to be bribed into coming along, with offers of having the crap removed from their driveways, or having free babysitters change their babies' nappies — when they fill with crap.

As the long, dark night wears on, the Cackassess fill the rooms with more and more crap, and people have to go stand in the corner to stay clean. Depending on which delegate's shit the people like the smell of best, people decide to go stand in that corner. Then what happens is that some of the people in some of the groups develop a bad smell, or think they can detect a bad odour coming from their corner. So they move to another corner, and if they really believe that crap, then they stay there. This repeats until everyone can agree that one of the delegates knows his shit.

This method describes how a Democratic Cackass works, and inevitably there are always three or four people who don't know what shit to believe and are left behind to fend for themselves. The Republican Cackasses solve this problem, and use another method called the Delphi Method.

This is, of course, still far to simple. But the Primaries and Cackasses are the two main ingredients for a Pooper Scooper.

edit Disembowlement

One of the more recent innovations that help to castrate the phallus of democracy is the disembowlement of delegates to the party conventions.

What happens is quite simple yet devastatingly effective: People who have an opinion, and often go to the trouble of registering for a party, vote in a Primary or go through a Cackass and all the shit that entails. Then, their duly elected delegates go to the national conventions months later only to have a pick shoved up their primary or their cackass and have all their votes pulled out. This can be quite painful, and often leaves behind some hanging chads.

This often happens when states refuse to scoop all their poop into the Pooper Scooper.

edit Pooping and Scooping

After years and years of refining the process, an effective tedium has been reached by shovelling all the shit into one single day early in February. For the last few decades, the call has gone out to as many states as possible to pick up their trowels and pile it up for Pooper Tuesday.

The effectiveness of doing this is threefold: By having so many piles of dung around the country at the same time, people can't concentrate on their own shit for the smell wafting down from the state next door.

Then, candidates spend so much time talking up their shit in one end of the country, that the dungheaps at the other end often get no attention. This can seriously impact the resources of all but the most wealthy candidates.

Lastly, this kind of en-mass mess will get candidates to try and develop what they call The Big BO. It is imperative for all candidates to maintain a certain consistency with their shit, so they build up their own unique stench which can help propel them and give them that Big BO they can use to get through the Pooper, with all its Primaries and Cackasses.


So effective has this been, that many states that left their crap to the last minute have decided to join in. With even more states piling it on in 2008 than ever before, we now have what is known as Pooper Scooper Tuesday.

Others have had it with all this shit and just call it Punani Tuesday.

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