Poontang
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“I never touch a drop”
~ Oscar Wilde on exactly what you are thinking
Poontang is of course, a punch made from the fermented juice from the rare, very bushy poonberry tree. It became immensely popular during colonial times, it was a favourite of the Founding Fathers, drank constantly by George Washington, as evidenced by his farewell address, I only took the job for the poontang. The first known mention of the word "poontang" was in a 1674 issue of Ladies' Home Jounal when it documented the adventures of up-and-coming golfer Grizzly Adams "...it seemed that all Grizzly wanted was some of her sweete, sweete poontainge...." It quickly spread from one town to another, the first recorded recipe was printed in Ye Boston Globe. It was widely regarded as "fahkin' retahded" and poontang became widespread.
Unfortunately, poontang's immense popularity was later learned to be the result of addictive qualities. Those who get a taste of it will become single indeed maniacs in pursuit of more. The hunger for good quality poontang is said to have made a Bishop kick a hole in a stained glass window. Those who cannot get a fix will often take matters into their own hands, with disastrous outcomes. If a poontang addict cannot locate a steady source, withdraw will occur, leading to unappealing physical and mental consequences, including blue balls, hairy palms, and lack of mental clarity. The prescriptions of poon addiction suppressants are currently on the rise and has even outrun the sales of paracetamol and nicotine patches.
Recent studies have shown that Poontang actually has a range of odours from pleasantly pungent to disgustingly rancid and fishy. The same holds true for taste - from an easy on the palate flavourful slightly acrid and salty delight to totally unfit to grace the table of any discriminating gentleman. The poontang market has recently been booming as a result of these studies as culinary chefs have began realising the gourmet potential of the poonberry. Worldwide poontang distribution company, Poon & Tang co. cultivated by entrepenuers, Trisha Le Freegancore and Mary Jane Rottencrotch have even offered a range of flavours and poon products such as PoonPizza and PoonJuice.
The ancient Incan cultures valued the poonberry highly for its healing properties. An ancient version of poontang was given to teenage boys to aid them on the path to manhood. Often, poontang was offered to the Gods as a sacrifice to cure all maladies. This practice was incorporated into their religeous ritiuals at regular intervals and for some inexplicable reason it was always a couple of months after the high priests visited the temple virgins to partake of the sacred poontang.
The US Government has asked the Food and Drug Adminstration to evaluate this treatment to determine if it is effective in curing the US economy and other societal problems. Laboratory tests are somewhat encourageing but protests by the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Poontang (ASPCP) at the test sites are slowing progress.
Today, poontang is found all over the world. Each area of the globe has its own special variety of poontang. Poontang from Southern America is full of spice and fire. Poontang from the United States of America is usually quite fatty. Asian poontang comes is quite salty, and very very fishy, though very healthy.
After years of research at the sprawling poon patches in southern Cal, the Poon Laboratories today announced that their groundbreaking efforts have resulted in a new product will hit the market place just in time for Christmas. A full line of Poonberry wine that has been aging in their precision temperature-controlled poon cellars received raves at the seasonal Wine Tasting Association's event. The entire vintage quickly sold out but we are assured that next years' will be better and due to a terrific bumper crop there will be Poonberry wine aplenty in the coming years. There are also rumors of A Pinot Poon in development, and its to be deep red in hue, and combining a slight fruitiness with a fine hint of citrus, to aspire to the taste of men and some women throughout contemporary nations.
It's a word that has become quite frequent from the mouths of Sean Gallagher and David Sim. A group of girls walking down Buchanan Street in Glasgow were once referred to as having "Fine poontang."
In other Poon related news, the FDA recently deemed it to be EXTREMELY HARMFUL to mens health to consume Poon flavored sausage, ESPECIALLY that derived from shemale poontang(or what was). This combination though is very popular in Sweden where the Women are Women and the Men were Women, a very dangerous social combination that could lead to national Moose Hunts, something that Sarah Palin was a strong backer of, she must have gotten into that Poonberry wine and Poon Sausage, damned devilish woman.
Vaginal poon is the most approved and benificial to a mens health. Women are not usually aware that mens health is largely dependend upon ingestion of poontang and other forms of vaginal intercourse. Poontang ingestion and the act of eating poontang burns many calories. The physical aspect of eating poontang takes most of the calories but can be improved upon in the 69 position. Poontang "woo-ing" and "taking" can also consume many calories but does not help the physical health portion of a man's body. One must make sure that the poon is not stale. Poon that has not been properly maintained can host many viruses, bacteria and diseases. One should stay away from Poon that is too large or has been pleasured too many times as these have higher chances of negative health benefits.
Although it may seem a moot point to the general public,the International Conference of Botanists have finally resolved the raging battle over the proper classification of the ponberry plant. Thanks to modern technology and they can now posivitily identify the plant - not as a tree - its a bush.
Poontang is illegal in eighty-five of the states, and fourteen German Provinces, including the fifteenth one. It is usually ruled illegal because a high court law-making judge-guy somewhere is loosing his marriage to a poontang addiction, and he decides that he will abstain by making it nigh-on impossible to get hold of
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