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“I tried it once but it disagreed with my sensibilities”
Poontang is a punch made from the fermented juice from the rare, very bushy poonberry tree. It became immensely popular during colonial times, when it was a firm favorite amongst the Founding Fathers, drunk constantly by George Washington, as evidenced by his farewell address, I only took the job for the poontang. The first known mention of the word "poontang" was in a 1794 issue of Ladies' Home Journal when it documented the adventures of up-and-coming golfer Grizzly Adams "...it seemed that all Grizzly wanted was some of her sweete, sweete, poontanige..." It quickly spread from one town to another, the first recorded recipe was printed in Ye Boston Globe. It was widely regarded as "fahkin' retahded" and poontang became widespread.
Unfortunately, poontang's immense popularity was later learned to be the result of addictive qualities, discovered by the vice-prone British middle class. Those who get a taste of it will become single minded maniacs in pursuit of more. The hunger for good quality poontang is said to have made a Bishop kick a hole in a stained glass window. Those who cannot get a fix will often take matters into their own hands, with disastrous outcomes. If a poontang addict cannot locate a steady source, withdraw will occur, leading to unappealing physical and mental consequences, including blue balls, hairy palms, and lack of mental clarity. The prescriptions of poon addiction suppressants are currently on the rise and has even outrun the sales of paracetamol and nicotine patches. Females who become dependent often acquire it in a locker room and require a large rubber injection to subside outbreaks. Females usually have trouble shaking the addiction and find themselves as gym teachers in their older age. I like trains.
Recent studies have shown that Poontang actually has a range of odors, from pleasantly pungent, to disgustingly rancid and fishy. The same holds true for taste - from an easy on the palate, flavorful, slightly acrid and salty delight; to totally unfit to grace the table of any discriminating gentleman. The poontang market has recently been booming as a result of these studies as culinary chefs have began realizing the gourmet potential of the poonberry. Worldwide poontang distribution company, Poon & Tang co. cultivated by entrepreneurs, Trisha Le Freegancore and Mary Jane Rottencrotch have even offered a range of flavors and poon products such as PoonPizza and the game.
The ancient Inca cultures valued the poonberry highly for its healing properties. An ancient pussy of poontang was given to teenage boys to aid them on the path to the game. Often, poontang was offered to the gods as a sacrifice to cure all maladies. This practice was incorporated into their religious rituals at regular intervals and for some inexplicable reason it was always a couple of months after the high priests visited the temple virgins to partake of the sacred poontang.
Today, poontang is found all over the world. Each area of the globe has its own special variety of poontang. Poontang from Southern America is full of spice and fire. Poontang from the United States of America is usually quite fatty. Asian poontang comes is quite salty, and very very fishy, though very healthy. Arctic poontang is slushy and comes in a container with a tight seal.
People who drink up to two glasses a day of this miracle juice are said to be less prone to chickenpox. There have also been claims that poontang adds 58 more years to a person's life. So far, only one came forward to prove this devastating occurrence, Sir Ferdinand Quimbly, a 78 year old from Virginia who exclaimed "I LOVE Puss- I mean Poontang" It is known that 90% of all men in the army stationed in 'Nam are only in the war forPOOOOOOOOOONNNN TAAAAANNNNGGG