Poof, There It Is Theory
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“I know science better than anyone- and let me tell you, this Poof, There It Is Theory holds water.”
“Well, it certainly seems to make sense... but I'm just not sure.”
The Poof, There It Is Theory is one of the most popular theories used to explain the creation of the universe. The theory is quite complex but it can be simplified to something like this:
In the beginning, there was no universe, and then;
There it was.
Science fiction writers argue contentiously about the origin and structure of the Universe. Many authors posit other "dimensions" which exist parallel to work-a-day reality, claiming that these unseen forces somehow kick-started the Universe. However, quantum physicists studying subatomic particles (entities smaller than regular particles) conclude that the Universe must have been created. As Dr. Waingirth of New Sudsbury said, "With all our accelerators and colliders, we cannot make a single quark unless we call upon God Himself."
This finding comes nearly 2,500 years after the Greek philosopher Idiocrates figured out that something must have gotten the ball rolling. Indeed, the Greek Word for this universal "prime mover" is premium mobile, or Premium Mobil Gasoline.
Remarkably prescient, those Greeks.
Poof, There It Is!
Now we can at last fill in the details of universal creation, that great tale started by Idiocrates.
One day on the sixth plane of existence a fire broke out at a Mobil gas station standing on the corner of Crenshaw and Slauson. This intersection was made famous by Dr. Dre who, not coincidentally , claims to have a God-like presence in the world of Gangsta Rap. "I started this gangsta shit," says Dre, "and this the mothafuckin' thanks I get?"
The violent Primum Mobile explosion blasted Coelispex off on a diatribe about Dr. Dre and Gangsta Rap, but then again, the explosion was the cause of everything in our universe! How could the writer not get blasted?
And after getting blasted, the author noticed that the gas station actually exploded on the fourteenth plane of existence. A wormhole in the ozone layer created the discrepancy, he now believes. This wormhole resulted from an explosion on the sixth plane of existence.
The author apologizes for any confusion. And no, Poof Diddy has nothing to do with any of this.
Everything exists. Everything is. How did it get to be so? Poof: There It Is.
This explanation might seem very simple to some people. Well, it is simple! But others, troublemakers and doubting Thomases, ask "What causes a Poof?" and "What are a Poof's inner workings?"
However, there is nothing more to the Poof than the Poof itself. As the poet put it, "A poof is a poof is a poof." In a word, a Poof is. In two words, it is self-sufficient.
And yet...a Poof is not a spontaneous event. Far from it. We must understand a Poof as a meticulously-planned random event. If you understand that concept, then you have come one step closer to knowing the Poof. If not, try your luck here.
Why Is The Theory Called Poof, There It Is? Wouldn't Big Bang Sound Better?
No, it wouldn't. And besides, "Big Bang Theory" was already taken. The fallacious BB theory states that everyone wants to go out with a bang (or in layman's terms, die whilst getting laid.) Poof, There It Is Theory allows far more complexity than ordinary Big Bang Theory since it is the framework that holds the universe together, while the Big Bang just concerns sex. Poof, There It Is constitutes the cement — the rock-solid concrete — of the cosmos. Some people call Poof, There It Is "the new causation."
However, there is no way to apply the scientific method to Poof, There It Is. Academics dispute the validity of the premise, bickering, shouting, spilling tea down their shirtfronts. This works out well for Poof, There It Is: its universal framework explains the pedagogical academics and their sniveling as well.
Consequences of Poof, There It Is
We know nothing of consequences in Poof, There It Is Theory. As we wrote previously, everything is and has been since the Poof. Quite simple, really. The theory negates cause and effect because everything is explained by Poof, There It Is.
Magictology is the only earthly religion that recognizes the validity of Poof, There It Is, and professional magictologists are sometimes called "poofters" for this very reason. In the realm of Poof There It Is, imagination rules, because everything bursts into existence through the mental faculties of the original Poofter.
How Did The First Poofter Poof?
We know nothing about the first Poof, except that it must have happened. If it hadn't happened, we would have never been Poofed, wouldn't be here, and therefore couldn't ask the question "How Did The First Poofer Poof?" Our existence proves that there must have been a first Poof. Most Poofters accept this "primum mobile" aspect of the theory, since it's true. Also, the competing "Blammo the Clown Theory" is just plain stupid, since balloon animals are so 1992.
Who Is The First Poof(t)er?
Since you and I exist as Poofs of the first Poofter, we can never really know much about him. (Of course, he is a man, because girls aren't that good at poofing, so assuming the first Poofter was a woman is ridiculous.)
The First Poofter had a lot of heavy thoughts, and gravity was the result. As soon as gravity poofed a knee-jerk quantum reflex forced electromagnetism to poof into existence. Subsequently matter and anti-matter poofed into existence to establish a connection between gravity and electromagnetism. Matter is the basic building blocks of the universe. Antimatter poofed into existence because it sounded cool, and since it sounds cool, it is much more powerful in terms of mass-energy. (Formally speaking,
MCE=Dusseldorf2 where MCE indicates M.C. Escher.)
But despite the difficult math-like stuff, science fiction writers find antimatter fascinating. The first Poofter just knew they would. Accoring to the SF writers one day everything will run on antimatter and gasoline will be outlawed, ensuring there isn't a Premium Mobile II.
Recognizing A Genuine Poof
Seeing an Poof in the process of Poofing is a miraculous sight. Unfortunately, Poofs are quite rare. If you want to see one, look for these two things:
- A large cloud of smoke appearing from nowhere, usually accompanied by a loud "POOF!" sound.
- After the cloud dissipates something new will have appeared. It may be a Hereford cow in spike heels, a tower of flaming Jell-O™, or a new universe. You just never know.
If you see these two phenomena then you've seen an authentic Poof. Well, either that or a cheap parlor trick by some two-bit magician.
How To Poof
If you can't Poof already, you will never learn. Poofing is genetically encoded in the Sons of Abraham, Oprah, and Sir Isaac Newton (how did you think vector calculus was invented? Nobody could figure that shit out; it was Poofed, of course).
Poofs and Dates
We have compiled a short list of things poofed into the Universe. A mighty Poof created the Universe itself, of course, so subsequent Poofs are second derivatives which exist only because of the First Poof.
- June 16, 2816 BC 6:15 PM: Chinese Poofter Mai Tai poofs gunpowder into existence to make fireworks.
- August 4, 1101 4:28 AM: Turkish Poofter Saladin poofs a trade route between Eastern Asia and Constantinople into existence.
- October 27, 1897 7:44 AM: Jesus poofs His Second Coming into existence. However, unlike the previous Poofs, few people notice, and Jesus goes home to Kathmandu bitterly disappointed.
Most recently in 2015, quantum poofologists have proposed a hybrid model known as the "Big Poof There It Is Theory", which is just like the regular Poof There It Is Theory, but adds the bigness associated with the classical Big Bang. It goes like this:
In the beginning, there was no universe, and then; There it was.
-  This restriction applies to quarks in isolation, of course, hopelessly uncontaminated by antiquarks.
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