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Fine Ponytail

A Ponytail is a hairstyle in which almost all of the hair on the head, arms, legs, chest and ... nether regions, are pulled from the face towards the back of the head, and fixed in place with use of a scrunchy, hair tie, clip, Sumo Loincloth, or some other similar object. The hair tends to then flow straight down from that fixed point down towards the navel, though at times gravity defying hair and other strange phenomenon that have yet to be fully explained by science may occur while attempting to put up a ponytail. In the case that these events occur, it is best to slowly but carefully bring down the ponytail, call an exorcist or scientist and then eat a banana. The potassium content in bananas often helps to create complex supernatural-repelling chemical processes located in the Suprachiasmatic Nucleus portion of the brain.

edit Naming of the Ponytail

The ponytail is regarded as one of the most holy sacred shapes that your hair can make today. The ponytail, rather counter-intuitively, takes the shape of a pony's tail. Following this counter-intuitive method of naming, we can expect Twintails to look like tails of twins, Pigtails to look like, well, pig's tails, and a bun hairstyle to look like a bun.

Common theories for the naming of the ponytail actually points to the idea not of a pony's tail, but rather that of historical figure Arturia. However after realizing it was easier for those who don't know of Arturia to call the hairstyle a ponytail, the name was changed officially in 1743 under the Treaty of Worms.

edit Variations

The ponytail can come in many varieties. Such varieties include but are not limited to:

  • High Ponytail - Duuuude... like... I'm hair... whaaaaaaaa...
    SnoopDogg gl 28apr11 PA

    Perfect Candidate for High Ponytail Usage

  • Middle Ponytail - About 60% of society.
  • Low Ponytail - Synonymous with 47 Ponytails at times.
  • Side Ponytail - A ponytail located dead center.
  • Too slow Ponytail - .... OHHHHHHHHHHHH
  • Middle Side Ponytail - Somehow centered yet also at the very edges of hair.
  • Hypochondriac Ponytail - Major candidate for gluten-free hairstyles.
  • Rapunzel Ponytail - Short ponytails.

These are named, surprisingly, in accordance to the social status of the bearer. Not, as some are led to believe, the social position of the ponytail.

The general method of which to determine which ponytail falls under which category can be determined through a mathematical formula known as the ponytail equation.

edit Ponytail as a Hairstyle

The ponytail was used in the past as a more casual form of hairstyle. For the Victorian Era the ponytail was considered plebeian, and unworthy for the wealthy. The opted for hairstyle was the pompadour, with the hair puffed upwards as a sign of higher status. For the native tribes, such as aboriginals of Australia, there were more important matters than hair. For the Chinese, again it was better that the hair be shaped in a manner that befits the status, puffed up with haughty dignity. It was only the lowly of the low who would wear such a hairstyle, forced to make do without tools to puff up their hair.

It was not until the massive increase in interest of cost efficiency and capitalism, thereby realizing that all the tools used to puff up the hair could make thousands if not millions of scrunchies, that the ponytail became widespread, and acceptable in society.

Today, the hairstyle is primarily utilized by women and ponies, mainly young females, both as a hairstyle and as a message. Males are also able to pull of the ponytail, though accidents involving the 5th dimension of hair occur more frequently for the males.

For females, the ponytail primarily acts as a way to get hair out of one's face. The ponytail is mainly used at sporting events, courting events and during "it's time to get serious" moments. The act of putting up a ponytail can transform one's image, from casual to prepared. Often case it has a psychological boost in bringing forth the physical properties of a pony, hence why it is often used at sporting events. However due to this apparent physiological advantage created, more and more debates are occurring as to whether all athletes should grow out their hair and wear ponytails. It is expected that in the 2025s, all athletes regardless of gender or event will be wearing ponytails.

There is widespread debate also about the specific nuances generated by the "It's time to get serious" induced hairstyle change action. Experts are unsure whether it is the action of putting up a ponytail, thereby causing normal hair to become more neat and organized, or letting down a ponytail, thereby bringing down the neat and regal air, that is the most effective in conveying the message. Some theorize that rather than the mood shift causing the hair change, it is the hair change that causes the mood shift. However these are dismissed as conspiracy theories akin to the American Moon Landing is Real theory and the Sun is a Star theory.

For males, the ponytail primarily acts as a message and serves as a secondary purpose in preventing hair from touching the neck. The common connotation carried by a ponytail bearing male is one of radicalism, aiming to break the mold from society. This in turn causes many cases of shootings from cleaning equipment toting ponytailed males, who aim to scrub mold from every corner of society. However their efforts are under-appreciated, and more support is needed for them to truly bring forth clean and sparkly bathrooms everywhere in the world.

edit Japan

While the ponytail fits under normal conventions, Japan is a special case. The ponytail acts to even further characterize people, as well as now serving a evolutionary purpose.

Laws Regarding Ponytail Usage in Japan:

  • The ponytail is a girls only hairstyle in Japan
    • Ex. Males can wear this hairstyle while under the influence of a gender-bend or trap level crossdressing.
    • Ex. Olden time males can wear this to have a rouge type feeling.
  • High ponytails are reserved for older, regal character types. A change of ponytail position is needed depending on who the main protagonist is in relation to the wearer.
  • Middle ponytails are to be utilized by side characters.
  • Side ponytails are limited to the cute type character or mysterious type.
    • Ex. If character is neither type, assume fetal position and cry.
  • The accessory used must be the same in all situations, and must be character defining.
  • All sports require a ponytail to be worn if serious. Swimming is not exempt, and it is expected that should a swimmer take off their cap a perfect middle/high ponytail is seen.
  • Taking off the ponytail is permitted only in relationship development interests.
  • All ponytails must reach at least back height level if a high ponytail.
    • Ex. Other heights acceptable as long as the previous term is met at some point.
  • Ponytails must move in perfect accordance to wind and body sway. Failure to do so will result in immediate termination.

These laws help to provide information on the ponytail wearers, helping to allow courtship to occur. The Japanese government is currently strictly monitoring this law in hopes that it will solve the population crisis.

edit Scientific Studies

Many studies have been conducted on the usages of ponytails.

The current prominent leading investigation is in the aforementioned properties of bringing pony like qualities to the wearer. Studies on the strength and speed of wearers have shown that there is an almost 350% boost to the body as a result of hairstyle change. However they have also found that cognitive processed have dropped by about 80% as a result. The main support of this study comes from a mysterious source known as "Bronies". More studies are currently underway to determine the factors behind this phenomenon.

Secondary investigations include the ability for hair to be used as weaponry, such as attaching sharp objects to the end of hair and the resulting potential damage. In 2011 a study found that morning star heads were not an appropriate attachment to the end of ponytails as the hair often ended up stressed and torn, resulting in lawsuits of up to $50 for damaged hair. Continued investigations however, will most likely continue.

Other investigations such as tensile strength, perfect hair-head-ponytail ratio and whether ponytails can be used as gluten-free foods continue to this day.

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