Pompeii F.C.
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Pompeii F.C. | ||
| Nickname | SKATES | |
| Stadium capacity | 20,688 | |
| Average attendance | 1 | |
| Average I.Q. of fan | N/A | |
| Manager | 007 chins | |
| Stadium name | Shatton Park | |
| Best player | N/A | |
| Best league position | N/A | |
| Rivals | Real Vesuvias | |
| Mascot | TY Beanie Baby | |
“Who Are Ya'?”
~ Everyone on Pompeii
“I should've gone to Specsavers”
~ God on Pompeii
“L:OLL!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Pompeii
“I seem to have trodden in something, oh it's you”
~ former PM Hatti Jaques upon addressing the residents of portsmuff
Pompeii F.C. are a "football" team from the lost city of Pompeii. Due to geographical confusion, they play in the Premiership, a football league in a country some 3,000 pizza delivery miles from Italy.
Contents |
[edit] Club History
Founded as Pompeii F.C. , the club had enjoyed success during the [[Roma Empire|Roman times. One of its earlier star players had been the Roman General Pompey the Great - and his family followed this tradition by becoming keen supporters of the 'Pumice Ash boys' as they were called in those days as Pompeii played in grey to confuse the opposition teams.
In 79 A.D. Pompeii F.C. lost their football ground, supporters, home city and pretty much everyone else when Vesuvius blew its top like a player disputing a penalty decision . Only a few of the original team survived including Petrus Pompey Crouch who was away at the time on tour as part of a circus act. Petrus who claimed he was a 'scion' of the Pompey family asked U.E.F.A if he could take the team to Britannia to play over there against assorted local 'crap celtic' teams . U.E.F.A agreed and Pompeii - or 'Pompey F.C.' moved to the south coast of Britannia and built a new stadium in Hampshire.
[edit] Pompeii/Pompey Today
We will have to skip the next 2,000 years as all the football club's records were lost in the Great Fire of Portsmouth.
Today Pompey play at their home ground of Fratton Park in Portsmouth. It is the tiniest stadium in the league, but the home of the famous "Best Fan in the World" - a self appointed accolade many teams like to claim.
In 2008 Pompey reached the final of the FA cup final, an achievement which they shall most probably never come anywhere close to ever again. Despite hostility from their hated local rivals Southampton F.C. - or as they are locally known - 'Them scummers from that shit hole down the road' , the Portsmouth team were victorious under the command of Boy George whose pungent underpants won the day and kept anyone getting too close to score a goal. So when their captain Andi Peters picked up the cup - Pompey's fans touched each other sensuously , felt sick and threw up as they sang "I've got piles. oh baby does it show, when I sit down, that I've got piles'.
This meant Southampton fans got beaten up once again, deservedly, as it meant Rupert "I Love Cricket and wank over pics of Clive" Lowes, Ate the Duck and burped to the tune of 'Play up Pompey' proving once and for all that his g-string is far to small for his over sized Man Shape.
[edit] Club Crest
The club crest consists of a bile and gold shield shape, and a one-eyed smiley face. This could be a link to Pompeii's pirating connections, although more generally it is considered to be a lesson for the citizens of this fine city about the dangers of inbreeding, and the mutations which they see in the village of Southampton. Bless them scummers.
It was famously re-designed in 2008 by a 4 year old, who had a severe case of blindness, deafness and couldn't say a word. He has become portsmouths all time leading scorer with 4 goals that's a total of 4 yes 4
Portsmouth have also had many different crests even once changing gold to White as it was cheaper and didn't weigh the players down.
[edit] Rivals
It is well known fact that there are only two teams in Hampshire, namely Southampton and The Southampton Academy.
It is therefore unsurprising that all Scummers ( A friendly term for exiled village idiots and "Out to Graze" prostitutes)are jealous of their neighbours' achievements, and try so pathetically hard to convince themselves that they are better.
Portsmouth's main rivals are the neighbouring city of Southampton . Their club is now also known as 'History' as they slid out of the Championship Division into the a lower league. There are rumours that Southampton F.C. failed to pay their electric bill and the players will now be sold into slavery as foot stalls in the Middle East.
Pomponians (People who follow Portsmouth FC):
- They like Shagging, porridge, shagging, marmite and shagging.
- They disklike Scummers, Scummers, Scummers and Scummers. Also soap and water.
[edit] Some Famous Players (Past and Present)
- Sol Campbell's Beans: Moved from Spurs to Arsenal some years back causing an international war. Was released from Arsenal when he got injured and replaced by ugly Swiss dude Phillipe Sendhimoff. Andy Warhol painted him as a can of soup.
- David James (Englands Number 1.2): Suffered hate campaign all over England in 2005 when he screwed up England's match against Austria, causing a 2-2 draw. God knows why they didn't blame Gerrard, Lampard, Beckham or Rooney. Back in the team after Stevie Mac discovered Paul Robinson is a chubby chubby bum bum.
- Wanko Kuntu: Experienced, reliable, Nigerian supersub. Played for some of the world's best teams. AFC Ajax. Inter Milan. Arsenal. West Bromwich Albion.
- Pedro "I got injured for fucking ages by some twat" Mendes: Seen as the star of the golden generation of Portugal, Pedro won the Champions League witth FC Porto, earning a megabucks move to Spurs. But in England there are more than 3 good teams, and he struggled, forcibly sent to Portsmouth, where he smashed in shots and got smashed in face, and when he got out of his coma he was playing for Rangers.
- Batty Taylor: Fired from Oxford for being too fat. Fired from Luton for being too fat. Fired in 50-yard goals for Portsmouth, before he mistakedly signed for Bolton because they lied saying they were Chelsea.
- Sulley "break your legs" Munter: A graduate from the Michael Essien School of "Mistimed" Slide Tackles, they sent him on a secret mission to Italy to crack shins. Went to Portsmouth but after he killed Harry they sent him back.
- Nipple Krancjar Son of legendary player Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Nipple has been wowing Pompeii fans for the past 2 seasons with his excellent displays of being anonymous in most games. He then plays one fantastic game, gets labelled as "better than messi" and gets linked with a move to arsenal, the process is then repeated.
- Peter "The Beanpole" Crouch (He used to be a skate, but now he's fucking great): Giraffe Robot who prefers dancing and basketball to sitting on a bench while Torres grabs attention. Moved back to Portsmouth because at least then he can have the basketball, with Milan Baros.
- David McNugget: Tubby acne encrusted Scouser who became Milkman of the year after being fired from LIverpool. Ha ha. Trialed for every club possible, before delivering milk to Preston. After Patrick Agyeman was injured, Nugent took the field, scored 25 goals and was off to Portsmouth, not for his striking but for his milk delivering. As soon as they got him they considered giving him to Derby.
- Benjani Mwaruwaruwaruwaruwari: After calling Robert Mugabe a cocksucker, he was expelled from Zimbabwe and turned up seeking asylum in England. After scoring one goal for Pompey, he signed for Manchester City, but after they got Robinho he resigned for Grimsby Town.
- Poppa Boobie Diop
- Milan "I can only play international football" Baros (Captain of the Czech handball team)
- Yo' Mum!
- John Viagra
- Lomana Lua Lua Lua Lua Lua Lua Lua Lua Lua Lua Lua Lua Lua Lua Lua Lua Lua Lua Lua Lua...
- A Pelé impersonator
- John Attacker Retarded striker you scores every 7 years if in form
- Hey Arnold November
- Jimmy Try or Ray?
- Jermain Defoe: Ohh Wait....Never Mind he went to Spurs didn't he? But apparentely he still fucks fish.
- QUINTUS CAECILIUS IUCUNDUS: The most famous player from Pompeii, unfortunately, he perished in the eruption of Vesuvius, along with his dog Cerberus
[edit] Signing for Portsmouth
If you are out of work, as most people in this charming little city are, you may find that your best bet is to get a trial for this pathetic excuse of a team. Generally you will be given a place in the starting line-up if:
- You have 2 legs (or at least 2 arms).
- You have an impressive sounding footballer name.
- You hate 'Arry redknapp
- You are over the age of 48.
- You have a failed international career.
- No-one else will take you.
- You're available on a free transfer.
- You are from africa.
- You must be willing to clean Pete Hart (Pharts) Penis twice a day.
- YOU MUST HATE SCUM.
- you can't finsh your dinner
- your not good enough to play for the best team Southampton the best Football Club(recentley voted the only team in hampshire or pride of the south)
you wont be leaving because of lack of money
- You like playing behind close doors oh no its the average number of people you turn up at Fratton park
[edit] The Future Of Pompeii FC.
For our sake and for the sake of English Football (well, world football) lets hope there isn't one.
after mooring their new and improved shed, i mean stdium on the water to portsmouth, the FA plan to swiftly cut it loose, with manager, players and fans on board and hope it goes and bothers france instead of England
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