Polmont
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| Motto: "Nane fir aa" | |||||
| Anthem: "Another Day in Paradise | |||||
 Location of Polmont
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| Capital | Polmont Bank | ||||
| Largest city | Gilston Directly Governed Tardis City | ||||
| Official languages | English, Polmontese, Scotch, Scotch Gaelic, Klingon, Sign Language, Telekinesis communication | ||||
| Government | Autocratic totalitarian communist monarchy with anarchic, despotic, plutocratic, and oligarchic undertones, really just a democratic absolute monarchy which fronts a stratocratic military junta - Currently under siege from a Mao insurgent coup led by David Tennant) | ||||
| The Benevolent, Glorious and Inspirational Leader for Eternity | Malcolm Nicol (de jure), John Leslie (de facto) | ||||
| National Hero(es) | John Leslie, John Silverman, John Rambo, Sean Duffy, David Tennant, Zodiac OTSO, Mike Rawpenis | ||||
| Declaration of Independence | Last Tuesday | ||||
| Currency | Polmontese Pound (on a par with the British pound) | ||||
| Religion | Leslieism, Scientology, Jehovah's Witnesses, Heaven's Gate - Christian churches reflect government-sponsored illusion of free Christian practice) | ||||
| Population | 2 (Falkirk Council estimation more than 5,000), but more due to the hypothetical border with Mexico | ||||
“Very good, makes Butlins look cheap and tacky”
~ Oscar Wilde on Polmont
“Screw this shit man I'm all about the music. Woo.”
~ Emo-Polmont on Polmont
“Good food, nice horses.”
~ All others on Polmont
“I have micropenis and it's Polmont's fault because they're so superior to us.”
~ Eric Joyce on Polmont
Polmont is a self-declared Magnumship, landlocked by Scotchland, somewhere near Falkirk. It is widely recognised as probably the best small country in the world, a phrase created and implemented by the Eternal Leader John Leslie, only to be stolen by Jack McConnell and his fellow imperialist minions.
Named the official capital of Paradise in 1933, it is world renowned for being brilliant. The population is officially around the 5,000 mark, but it is believed that many more hobgoblins and immigrants are granted asylum. Polmont's main exports include kittens, rainbows and plutonium. John Leslie's Treasury, and the platinum which backs the much sought after Polmontese currency is held and protected at the Mint Mansion on ITV.
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[edit] Geography
Polmont is located 5000 miles above sea level, landlocked by the inferior Falkirk Council region. It has been reported that dissidents have been thrown off of the edge of Polmont into the cooling towers of the Grangemouth Pollution Station. The supreme height of the republic ensures that it is kept well away from the poison which is belched out from the Grangemouth Pollution Station.
[edit] Zodiac of the Spandex Oceans
Born in 5600 BL (Before Leslie) to a family of Beaker People, Zodiac is regarded as one of the world's most curious enigmas. He is believed to have repelled a tsunami from Grangemouth, whilst wearing only shades and an all-in-one spandex uniform with mousey ecru piping. Zodiac previously had a 50 metre high bronze statue dedicated to his memory in John Leslie Square, but Falkirk Council, as proposed by Malcolm Nicol, pulled and smelted it down, whilst the on looking children and kittens wept.
[edit] Tory control
Despite its obvious greatness, Polmont is unfortunately under the control of the absolutely idiotic and useless Tories. Local councillor and alpha male Malcolm Nicol, the world's first quadrillionaire, has created a flamboyant cult of personality around himself, and has been described as a Britch Kim Jong-il by some expert Polmont watchers. He is famous for his Elton John style glasses and rainbow backdrop.
[edit] Polmont Jail
Also known as the Polmont Gulag, the prison's most famous inmate is Luke Mitchell, the bloke with long hair who murdered some girl in some Scotch place a while ago. It must be noted that Polmont Jail is not in Polmont, but in some other place. The reason for the name of Polmont is simply because of envious politicians trying to slander the name of the Magnumship of Polmont.
Famous inmates include
- Dean Craig
- James Craig
- The rest of the Craig bloodline
- Stuart Gair
- Dean Robinson
- Ross Cochrane
- Luke Mitchell
- Mark Holleran
- Brian McGuire
- Alan Martin
- Steven Tomlin
- Karen Tomlin
- Mike Tomlin
[edit] John Leslie
John Leslie is revered as a God in Polmont, due to his foundation and liberation of the Magnumship. Born in the fields of Old Polmont in 1933, under a triple rainbow and UFO, to a Scotch father and an Orcadian mother, three walking bricks with googley eyes brought to him gifts of platinum, frankincense and myrrh, so his birth was officially more valuable than Jesus Christ's going by today's markets. Fully qualified in 33 different fields, he is widely regarded as an ideological genius, most notably for his writing work which spanned to over 30,000 books. A wide range of the great author's work are available in all respectable bookshops in Polmont.
Leslie, was a well documented sheep-shagger and politician by the age of just 7, inspiring political figures such as Fidel Castro and Bobby Moore. Annexed by Margaret Thatcher in 1940, he sought refuge in Kazakhstan, where he fathered Borat. He commuted between Polmont and Almaty on his trusted donkey, Derby. During his hundreds of trips, he would carry several thousand bricks per journey, building Lathallan House with his bare hands, which still stands to this day. During the war in Vietnam, John swam from Polmont to the Central American country with merely a knife in his mouth, under the alias of John Rambo. Despite his heroics, he found it within himself to remain modest and never reveal his true identity. This information has only been revealed due to the secret entries he made into his filofax.
Amongst the tributes to John Leslie include the John Leslie Highway, John Leslie Stadium, John Leslie Gulag, and John Leslie Primary School. The most impressive is arguably John Leslie Square, also known as Polmont Shopping Centre. Although it appears small from the outside, it has special tardis-like qualities, ensuring that it is in fact the largest square in the world, making a complete mockery of the Britch efforts, Trafalgar Square and George Square.
Leslie single-handedly slaughtered aristocrats, plutocrats, feudals and any others he regarded as holding power over the masses. He was ultimately named "Leader for Eternity". A true man of the people, his legend is celebrated almost to the extent of a political religion.
[edit] Culture
Sport
Polmont is home to many enviable sporting events. These include footballing events such as the League of Polmont, the Polmont FA Cup, the Land & Sea League Cup and the Polmont Post Office Challenge Cup. The worst competing team are Polmont Royal F.C.. The Polmont national football team is on the up, and believe they can soon compete with the likes of San Marino and the Vatican City. Other events include the Tour de Polmont, the Polmont Marathon and the Polmont Grand Prix, which basically just involves Leslie driving around the republic at reckless speeds in his Merc, with Magnum navigating the treacherous, Falkirk Council built roads. Unsurpisingly, Leslie remains unrivalled and holds all trophies and titles since the competition was introduced a fortnight ago.
Music
Polmont has a long and proud tradition of producing talent in a range of fields, which most Polmonters find stimulating. These include famous musicians such as the exciting talent Barry Price, a singer-songwriter. He can regularly be found playing locals concerts. Another well known act are the popular singers Magnum and Leslie, the stage names of John Hitler and Sonar Magnolia, who found asylum in Polmont from Turkmenistan in 1967. The pair met at a Quakers' meeting in 1975, after Magnum had been living rough in bushes literally yards off of the M9 for six years. Their range of musicals genres, spanning from classical and folk, to instrumental and acid skiffle are locally renowned.
One instantly recognisable track is their dramatic instrumental interpretation of the Chicago song, If You Leave Me Now, in which Magnum and Leslie call upon special and sought after instruments, such as a platinum and bark lined didgeridoo, and rare vegetables. The video for the song caused controversy amongst farmers as the duo depicted a tomato as a vegetable.
