|Official language||Esperanto, Chinese|
|King||Double-headed Donald Duck|
|Established||Yesterday. Probably. Maybe. Who the fuck knows?|
|Famous cities||Wąchock, Szczebrzeszyn, Swornegacie|
|Religion||judaism, islam, sect of priest Rydzyk, paganism, duckism|
|National anthem||"Hej sokoły"
"Suck my Duck"
"Polskę trzeba zLepperować"
|Capital City||Walsall or War Saw (Piła bojowa) renamed to Duckcity (Kaczogród) in 2005|
|National Sports||Smoking, migrating To London en masse, drinking their National Currency and wines, llama love, listening to Radio Maryja|
|Country code Top Level Domain||qwe.pl|
A forgotten, no longer officially socialist village located on a small island in the Baltic Sea. Famous for its corridor, which was a big political issue. The Polish Corridor was the origin of corridor politics.
Relations with other countries
Poland is the Anti-Indonesia.
So we have:
Students are required to wear uniforms in order to attend school throughout the nation. The colour and decorations of each student's uniform are dictated by his/her marks and achievements/failings.
- violet - A (Ass)
- red - B (Bum)
- white, light grey - C (Cardinal)
- dark grey, black - D (Dope)
- blue - E (England)
- green - F (Fart)
- yellow - G (Gay)
- orange - U (Unstable)
- exposed chest - class president
- no trousers - student often arrives late for class
- fez - student has excelled in a certain discipline (the fez provides protection for his/her head as the climate in Poland is typically very cold)
- stuffed animal - student still wets the bed during nap time (primarily used to absorb the urine)
A furious group of individuals living in special separated, boobytrapped and armed zones called akademiki (dormitories). Students are famous for their ability to exist without food, water, or showers. They have evolved to gain energy directly from the Polish currency - wudzia, mainly in the flavours Paris Blue and Sky above Chernobyl.
The main form of income in Poland comes from students who pay for their failed exams several times. Students who don't pay on time are shot without warning, beaten on the balls, raped, and sent to Siberia. It is called the September Campaign.
A handful of Polish inventors have gained notoriety on a global scale. One particular group of Polish mathematicians (known as the Blue Man Group) escaped from Nazi controlled Poland and fled to America. This think-tank went on to invent such things as reverse polish notation, a number of economic theories and cold fusion.
In the Year 2005 Polish citizen Jan Nowak has finished repairing his washing machine after a heroic 15-year-long struggle. The ex-president of Poland Aleksander "Acid" Kwaśniewski has made 32nd of February a Nowak's Day.
Medical care is a very specific aspect of polish life. Doctors, nurses and other medical staff are heavily armed and they received prize for each scalp of the patient, called "skin" (skóra). The special section of polish hospitals is the hospital of Łódź, which is the greatest producer of the human skins. Generally, in polish hospitals medicament called "pavulon" is officially recognized as panaceum for all possible and impossible illness, including motion sickness, madness (especially voting on doubleplusungood political candidates), organ athrophy (except of brain), bone fracture and zombification.
You can always get to your favourite doctor out of the line. The only one thing you should do is to buy a good kind of wudzia (see below). It isn't a bribe, but only your volunteer fee for developing of polish medical care.
History of Poland
Jumping apparently out of nowhere (in night, so no one exactly know when it was established), Poland almost instantly began to spread legs for anyone who want it's piece. First written mentions of Poland come exclusively from nations and other entites (especially Pokemons and mentally retarded children), whom raided, raped, eviscerated and fucked up whole country several times. But fun ends, when one guy with idiotic nickname Mieszko said "enough, you fucknuts!".
First known date from Poland is 1410, when Chrobry (another idiotic nick) make a bet with Emo-Hitler over the two crappy swords. Loser has to walk whole day with these swords in his anus. Unfoturnately, Chrobry lose. From this time, all Poles are assholes. Literally.
Most important moment in Poland history came in 1939, when polish (Kazimierz the Small) and german (Otto the Idiot) leader repeat old bet. Of course, polish poor fuck again lost his bet.
The nation of Poland suffered a tremendous tragedy after World War 3, when the Lithuanian army repatriated the Polish city of Wilno and forced the inhabitants to return to their motherland. The resulting overpopulation caused a famine of unseen proportions which claimed all of the displaced residents of Wilno. After that polish people invented the only way to bring freedom back to Wilno. This way was wudzia. They produced a lot, then invite all Lithuanians for birthday and forced them to drink. Quickly the Wilno was back in Poland and Lithuanians back in hospitals.
The Polish military is well known for its elite hang glider, submarine and armoured divisions. However, the Polish ninja infantry is still relatively unknown despite their key roles in the assassinations of Adolf Hitler, JFK, Superman, Olivia Newton John Travolta and Marlon Brando (to name but a few). Regardless, most of the world's population tends to forget about Poland, a fact which George W. Bush has capitalized on several times.
In Poland, elections are banned. Instead of this, every four years polish people enjoy so-called famous pig race in biggest circus in Poland. Every president (and deputy) candidate sit on genetically engineered wild pigs from most distant and dark corners of Poland. They run in circles in circus tent, drinking hectolitres of wudzia, screaming obscenites at each other, throwing shit (often their own), run into walls and generally causing big mess, until tent falls. Winner is that candidate or deputy, whom still can move after that madness.
Strange polish parliament is composed from many apolitical and non-political parties from over the all world, such as:
- Slutty Little Dickies: mindless drones of chubby-cheeked Aleksander "Acid" Kwaśniewski.
- Anally Weaseled Sempertines: long-dead corpse, and is really stinking.
- Puking Ovens: killed mercilessly by Kaczyński, whom assimilated their poor-ass leader.
- Outlaw and Injustice: currently ruling leftist-anarchistic-fascist party.
- Lenin Putin Russia: raging communistic bastards, infilitrated by Father Director Teddy Rydzyk.
- SelfAttack(*): self-attacked by Andrzej Lepper and sinked succesfully. But their time will come.
(*) SelfAttack is only a popular, informal name of this party, while officially it was registerd as SelfOffense with abreviation SO.
Actual winner of Poland pig race is Outlaw and Injustice and it's leader Kaczyński.
A very old legend tells about two members of the student society. Two knights, Lassak and Simo, famous for their battles with the angry amazons of deanery in the kingdom of Cracow Technical University (Politechnika Krakowska). Survivors of endless September Campaigns, they are believed to still study in the restless struggle for masters' degrees.
Customs of Poland
Poland is world-renown for the Annual Metal Festival held yearly in Rio de Janeiro. Traditionally, every time a new performer takes the stage, every spectator in attendance removes an article of clothing and throws it onto the stage. Nine months after this concert the Polish people celebrate the "Great Renewal", which marks the Polish New Year. There is a strange increase in the number of children born around this time; however the connection between this phenomenon and the Annual Metal Festival has not been fully investigated. The Great Renewal also celebrates the season in which the crocodiles lay their eggs, providing one of the staples of Polish cuisine.
The national currency of Poland is the litre (litr). It is produced in denominations of 100mL, 200mL, 355mL, 500mL, 1L and 0,7L. Unlike most other countries Polish money is not minted from metal or printed on paper, but rather is distributed in the form of the transparent liquid, described below. An exchange rate of roughly 8 euros for 1 litre is typically available. Litres are produced by many privately licensed foundries which are owned and strictly controlled by the aristocracy. Counterfeiting is rampant (particularly outside the major cities and in student dormitories) in Poland since litres can be distilled from rain or illegally drawn from rivers.
The Polish government enforces a strict set of rules to restrict what can be served as money to the general public. Due to these regulations, the almost only money that is actually available to the public is wudzia (though underground cells opposed to government oppression distribute a much better transparent liquid called wudka or sometimes spiryt). The process of producing wudzia is a secret that is tightly kept by the government (the sole producer of the liquid), but international spies suggest that the liquid is distilled through the tentacles of Wawelski dragon through a process of reverse osmosis. While the ordinary citizens of Poland are expected to make due with wudzia only, the aristocratic ruling class enjoys a wide variety of foods including the aforementioned crocodile eggs and ducks.
Lately, a new currency appeared there, thanks to threats and bribes from European Union. People of Poland are welcomed to cheap wines. These cheap wines are produced out of cheap grape sos and calcium. Wines are said to make everybodies vision better, that's why every Pole knows how to spot wudzia. Cheap kinds of wines have often very smart and very well thought names, which often sound exclusive like:
The Polish citizenry are very proud of their money. They can often be found discussing which foundries produce the best money for hours without end. Some Polish people will even engage in consuming money in public.
Polish toliet taps are main source of beer, yellow dye and sediment rock, major export products of Poland.
The most famous polish company is Great Wall Investment owned by ultracatholic Jerzy Urban which sell over the world plastic models of walls and speciallizes also in publishing of Bible in 1001 versions, adapting this famous comic to all ultracatholic sects in the universe. For example: Green Bible, Bible of the Laden, Bible Original ver. corrected or Bible for Animals - ver. acustic.
Polish emigrants abroad in the USA are well known in the floor-care industry. This is generally attributed to a fortuitous event in 1979 when Jerzy Krosiński answered a classified ad looking for "men to polish floors."
The Polish language is an international oddity. It has only one phonetic unit to represent all 50 letters of their alphabet. This sound has been described by linguists as the sound made by a caribou as it is being devoured by a hungry lion in a dry bush. To date there is only one person on Earth who can properly speak the complex Polish language. In a cruel twist of irony, she is deaf and mute.
- Ty chuju jebany. (pronounced: tea who-you yeah-bunny, meaning: Good morning.)
- Skocz mi, ty chuju. (pronounced: scotch me tea who-you, meaning: Good afternon.)
- Możesz mi skoczyć. (pronounced moschesch me skotcheech, meaning Feel free to do what you like.)
- Chuj ci w dupę (pronounced: whoy tchea v doope, meaning: You look very good)
- HWDP (for police, pronounced: hah voo de pe, meaning: to serve and protect)
- Ty stara cipo! (only to ladies, pronounced tea stara chipo meaning You look so lovely today.)
- Wypierdalaj! (pronounced: vy-peer-thala-y, meaning: Could you possibly leave this place?)
- Ty skurwysynu! (only to guys, pronouced: tea skoor-vee-seenoo, meaning: You are my best friend!)
- Pies cię jebał. (only to dogs, pronounced: peace see-e yee-bow, meaning: My dog likes you.)
- Chuj ci w zęby. (pronounced: whou tchea v zen-bee, meaning: Bon appetit!)
- Kurwa! (pronounced: koorvah, meaning: Oh dear!)
- Kurwa twoja mać. (pronounced: koorvah tvoyah match, meaning: Oh dear, I hope you're all right.)
- Co narobiłeś, baranie. (pronounced: czo naa-robeyesh baraneeh, meaning: I appreciate what you have done.)
- Pierdolisz... (pronounced: peer-doll-isch meaning: I agree with you. Really!)
- Ni chuja. (pronounced: nee whou-ya meaning: Yes I'll do what you want.)
- Przypierdolę ci. (pronounced: pshy-peer-dolle-e tshi meaning: I take care of you)`
- Czego, kurwa? (pronounced: che-goh koorvah, meaning What do you want?)
- Morda, psie. (pronounced: moardah ps-ie, meaning Could you stop talking to me?)
- Co ty kurwa pierdolisz?! (pronouced: czo tea koorvah peer-doll-isch..?!, meaning: Excuse me, what are you talking about?)
- Kurwa jego pierdolona mać! (pronounced: koorvah iego pierre-do-lona mach, meaning: I feel good)
All books about Polish grammar are banned and on Inquisition Index because of mass cases of insanity, eye-gouging and vomits on precious bookstories floors. It's saying that original language of Cthulhu (from: Cho, ciulu) was Polish, and R'yleh originally was written as "ryło" (phiz), but believers had problems with polish national characters.
People Who Have Not Forgotten Poland
People of Poland
- Kaczyński (alias Kaczor), ruler of Poland
- North Pole
- Shaquille O'Neal, Polish Jedi Master
- Michael Jackson
- Werner von Braun, mad scientist
- Roman Giertych, politician
- Andrzej Lepper, politician
- Natenczas Wojski, folk hero
- Bolek i Lolek, cartoon characters
- Father Director Teddy Rydzyk, religious leader
- Lech Wałęsa, ex-ex-expresident
- Rasiak, soccer player
- Stefan Żeromski, writer
- Paweł Janas, polish table top tennis champion
- Miś Uszatek, polish invention that went so wrong
- Bogdan Raczynski, engineer and inventor of the reverse peephole