Poland

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{{Really random sighting}}
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{{q|I'll make Poland a second [[Japan]]|Polish ex-ex-ex-president [[Lech Wałęsa]] during his presidency|the most failed idea any Pole ever invented<ref>That was an epic fail due to three things: first of all Poles can drink much more without fainting, secondly: Poles can't read those retarded letters and finally: Pole will never die from hard work (karoshi), he will rather take a break</ref>}}
{{OWQ|Poland}}
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{{q|I'll make Poland a second [[Ireland]]|Polish Prime Minister [[Donald Tusk]]|the second most failed idea any Pole ever invented<ref>He was actually quite successful with this idea as about half million Poles emmigrated to Ireland</ref>}}
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{{Infobox Country|
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|native_name = POOland<br>Поланд
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|conventional_long_name = Roman Catholic Republic of Poland
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|common_name = Scandalland
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|national_motto = "You forgot Poland!" (Alternative: "Mazel tov!")|
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|national_anthem = ''"Hej, sokoły"'' (same like [[Yugoslavia]]n, just [[snail|faster]])|
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|image_flag = [[Image:fractal_poland_flag.jpg|125px]]
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|image_coat = [[Image:Godelko.gif|125px]]
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|image_map = [[Image:Worldbymicrosoft.png|300px]] <br> <small> (World map by [[John Kerry]], but... where the fuck is Poland?) </small> |
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|capital = [[Wallsall]] or '''War Saw''' (Piła bojowa) renamed to Duckburg (Kaczogród) in [[2005]] |
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|largest_city = Wąchock, Szczebrzeszyn, Swornegacie, Pszczyna, [[Southampton]]
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|official_languages = [[Hebrew]], [[Yiddish]], [[Vietnam|Tiếng Việt]] |
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|government_type = Corrupted Democracy
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|leader_titles = [[Pornstar]]|
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|leader_names = Double-headed [[Kaczyński|Your Mom]] |
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|leader_title1 = [[Prime Minister|Premier]]|
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|leader_name1 = [[Donald Tusk|Donald Duck]]|
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|leader_title2 = |
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|leader_name2 = |
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|national_heros = | [[John Paul 2.0]], [[George W. Bush]], [[Tadeusz Rydzyk]]
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|Independence = Yesterday. Probably. Maybe. Who the fuck knows? Whos the fuck cares? |
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|currency = Litres |
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|religion = [[Tadeusz Rydzyk|sect of priest Rydzyk]], [[paganism]], [[duckism]] and [[Catholics|Orthodox Catholic Movement]]
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|major_exports = [[Smoking]], [[alcoholism]], emigrants to London, parts of Ireland and of course Scotland ''en masse'', drinking their National Currency and wines, [[Radio Maryja listeners|listening]] to [[Radio Maryja]] |
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|major_imports = |
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|Opening_Hours = | 24:01-30:00
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}}
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A forgotten, no longer ''officially'' socialist village located on a small island in the Baltic Sea, '''Poland''' is famous for its corridor, which was a big political issue. The Polish Corridor was the origin of corridor politics. About 50% of all people who are alive today that come from Poland now live in Ireland. I know this because some Polish bitch took my job in Super-Valu! That's it, I'm going to speak German all the time the next time I go over there. The nation of Poland has a poulation of around 22.5 due to virtually every Polish person moving to Ireland & Great Britain or to USA in the past. Here, they occupy the worst parts of every city, town or any settlement that they can find. In Ireland they usually get stabbed by Irish teenagers from warzone areas such as finglas, blanchardstown, tallaght and clondalkin. Polish people aren't allowed into Limerick or they'll be stabbed. There are no people in Poland and it is understood that the uninhabited country is populated solely by field mice and their president of course.
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==Relations with other countries==
   
{| align="right" {{prettytable}} width="300" style="margin-left:0.5em;"
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{{Q|PWN'T, N00b!|[[Germany]] and [[Russia]]|Poland}}
|-
 
|style="background:#efefef;" align="center" colspan="2" |
 
{| {{prettytable}}
 
|-
 
|align="center" width="140px"|Polish Flag
 
<math>
 
\left[ \frac {\mbox{ white }}{\mbox{ red }} \right ]
 
</math>
 
|}
 
|-
 
|Official [[language]]
 
|[[Esperanto]], [[Chinese]]
 
|-
 
|[[King]]
 
|Double-headed [[Kaczyński|Donald Duck]]
 
|-
 
|Established
 
|Yesterday. Probably. Maybe. Who the fuck knows?
 
|-
 
|Famous cities
 
|Wąchock, Szczebrzeszyn, Swornegacie
 
|-
 
|[[Currency]]
 
|Litres
 
|-
 
|Religion
 
|[[judaism]], [[islam]], [[Radio Maryja listeners|sect of priest Rydzyk]], [[paganism]], [[duckism]]
 
|-
 
|[[national anthems|National anthem]]
 
|"Hej sokoły"
 
   
"Suck my [[Kaczyński|Duck]]"
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{{Q|Get the feck out of our feckin' country! Dirty feckers...|[[Scotland]]|Poland}}
   
"Polskę trzeba [[Andrzej Lepper|zLepperować]]"
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{{Q|Poles, so dirty, they sure stick together.|[[Americans]]' favorite polish joke|Poland}}
|-
 
|[[Capital City]]
 
|[[Walsall]] or '''War Saw''' (Piła bojowa) renamed to Duckcity (Kaczogród) in 2005
 
|-
 
|National Sports
 
|[[Smoking]], migrating To London ''en masse'', drinking their National Currency and wines, llama love, [[Radio Maryja listeners|listening]] to [[Radio Maryja]]
 
|-
 
|Country code Top Level Domain
 
|qwe.pl
 
|}
 
   
A forgotten, no longer ''officially'' socialist village located on a small island in the Baltic Sea. Famous for its corridor, which was a big political issue. The Polish Corridor was the origin of corridor politics.
 
 
==Relations with other countries==
 
 
===Indonesia===
 
===Indonesia===
 
Poland is the Anti-[[Indonesia]].
 
Poland is the Anti-[[Indonesia]].
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So we have:
 
So we have:
 
:<math> {\left ( \mbox{Poland}\right)}^{-1} = {\left [ \frac{\mbox{white}}{\mbox{red}}\right]}^{-1} = {\left [ \frac{\mbox{red}}{\mbox{white}}\right]} = \mbox{Indonesia}</math>
 
:<math> {\left ( \mbox{Poland}\right)}^{-1} = {\left [ \frac{\mbox{white}}{\mbox{red}}\right]}^{-1} = {\left [ \frac{\mbox{red}}{\mbox{white}}\right]} = \mbox{Indonesia}</math>
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{{wikipedia}}
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{{conservapedia}}
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Therefore, if Poland or Indonesia were ever to meet, interact, or touch in any way shape or form, all existence would be destroyed. Ironically, Indonesia has [[Bush|forgotten Poland]].
   
 
===Malta===
 
===Malta===
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:<math> {\left ( {\left ( \mbox{Poland}\right)}^{-1}\right)}^{\dagger} = {\left ( {\left [ \frac{\mbox{white}}{\mbox{red}}\right]}^{-1}\right)}^{\dagger} = {\left [ \frac{\mbox{red}}{\mbox{white}}\right]}^{\dagger} = {\left [ {\mbox{red}}|{\mbox{white}}\right]} = \mbox{Malta}</math>
 
:<math> {\left ( {\left ( \mbox{Poland}\right)}^{-1}\right)}^{\dagger} = {\left ( {\left [ \frac{\mbox{white}}{\mbox{red}}\right]}^{-1}\right)}^{\dagger} = {\left [ \frac{\mbox{red}}{\mbox{white}}\right]}^{\dagger} = {\left [ {\mbox{red}}|{\mbox{white}}\right]} = \mbox{Malta}</math>
 
As a result, Poland and Malta form '''hermitian bijections''' onto each other.
 
As a result, Poland and Malta form '''hermitian bijections''' onto each other.
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==Culture==
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Poland once had a National Library; however it had to be closed down because someone stole the book.
   
 
==Education==
 
==Education==
Students are required to wear uniforms in order to attend school throughout the nation. The colour and decorations of each student's uniform are dictated by his/her marks and achievements/failings.
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Students are required to wear awesome uniforms in order to attend school throughout the nation. The colour and decorations of each student's uniform are dictated by his/her marks and achievements/failings.
   
 
[[Image:polish-high-school-uniforms.jpg|thumb|left|400px|Uniforms in Polish High School]]
 
[[Image:polish-high-school-uniforms.jpg|thumb|left|400px|Uniforms in Polish High School]]
   
===Uniform colors===
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===Uniform colors and marks===
* violet - A ([[Ass]])
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* violet - A (Expert in Advanced Physics)
* red - B ([[Bum]])
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* red - B (Expert in Higher Mathematics)
* white, light grey - C ([[Cardinal]])
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* white, light grey - C (Expert in Rocket Science)
* dark grey, black - D ([[Dope]])
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* dark grey, black - D (Expert in Medicine)
* blue - E ([[England]])
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* blue - E (Expert in Linguistic Theory)
* green - F ([[Fart]])
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* green - F (Expert in Protonomics)
* yellow - G ([[Gay]])
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* yellow - G (Expert in N-Dimensional Chess)
* orange - U ([[Unstable]])
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* orange - U (Expert in Blanking Uncyclopedia Pages)
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* pink - Z (Expert in the sexual harassment)
   
 
===Decorations===
 
===Decorations===
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===Students===
 
===Students===
A furious group of individuals living in special separated, boobytrapped and armed zones called ''akademiki'' (dormitories). Students are famous for their ability to exist without food, water, or showers. They have evolved to gain energy directly from the Polish currency - ''wudzia'', mainly in the flavours [[Paris Blue]] and [[Sky above Chernobyl]].
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A furious group of individuals living in special separated, boobytrapped and armed zones called ''akademiki'' ([[College Dorms|dormitories]]). Students, like America's students, are famous for their ability to exist without food, water, showers, or [[kitten huffing]]. They have evolved to gain energy directly from the Polish currency - ''wudzia'', mainly in the flavours [[Paris Blue]] and [[Sky above Chernobyl]].
   
The main form of income in Poland comes from students who pay for their failed exams several times. Students who don't pay on time are shot without warning, beaten on the balls, raped, and sent to Siberia. It is called the '''September Campaign'''.
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The main form of income in Poland comes from students who pay for their failed exams several times. Students who don't pay on time are shot without warning, beaten on the balls, raped, and sent to Siberia. It is called the '''September Campaign'''.
   
===Inventors===
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==Medical Care==
A handful of Polish inventors have gained notoriety on a global scale. One particular group of Polish mathematicians (known as the [[Blue Man Group]]) escaped from [[Nazi]] controlled Poland and fled to [[United_States_of_America|America]]. This think-tank went on to invent such things as [[reverse polish notation]], a number of [[poverty|economic theories]] and [[cold fusion]].
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Medical care is a very specific aspect of polish life. Doctors, nurses and other medical staff are heavily armed and they received prize for each scalp of the patient, called "skin" (''skóra''). The special section of polish hospitals is the hospital of Łódź, which is the greatest producer of the human skins. Generally, in Polish hospitals, a medicament called "pavulon" is officially recognized as a panaceum for all possible and impossible illnesses; including motion sickness, madness (especially voting on ''doubleplusungood'' political candidates), organ atrophy (except of brain), bone fracture and zombification. Since brain atrophy is so common in Poland, the locals ignore it.
   
In the Year 2005 Polish citizen [[Jan Nowak]] has finished repairing his washing machine after a heroic 15-year-long struggle. The ex-president of Poland [[Aleksander Kwaśniewski|Aleksander "Acid" Kwaśniewski]] has made 32nd of February a Nowak's Day.
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==History of Poland==
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''You may be looking for [[invasion]] and not even know it!''
   
==Medical Care==
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[[Image:Romana.jpg|thumb|[[Roman Giertych]] - Polish almost prime minister almost elected in 2005. Since 5th of May 2006 Polish minister of education. Son of almost president. "Go [[gay]]-American dream!"]]
Medical care is a very specific aspect of polish life. Doctors, nurses and other medical staff are heavily armed and they received prize for each scalp of the patient, called "skin" (''skóra''). The special section of polish hospitals is the hospital of Łódź, which is the greatest producer of the human skins. Generally, in polish hospitals medicament called "pavulon" is officially recognized as panaceum for all possible and impossible illness, including motion sickness, madness (especially voting on ''doubleplusungood'' political candidates), organ athrophy (except of brain), bone fracture and zombification.
 
   
You can always get to your favourite doctor out of the line. The only one thing you should do is to buy a good kind of [[wudzia]] (see below). It isn't a bribe, but only your volunteer fee for developing of polish medical care.
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The Polish are scum; that is a scientific fact. Since all people are scum anyway, that is an unimportant fact.
   
==History of Poland==
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Jumping apparently out of nowhere (in night, so no one exactly know ''when'' it was established), Poland almost instantly began to spread legs for anyone who wants its piece. (This is how pole dancing got its name, and how the long rod that go-go bars use as a dance tool came to be known as a "pole". Lapland joined in the fun, too.) The first written mentions of Poland come exclusively from nations and other entities (especially tourists who made a wrong turn three hours before and mentally retarded children), whom raided, raped, eviscerated and fucked up whole country several times. But fun ends, when one guy with idiotic nickname ''Mieszko'' said "Enough, you fucknuts!".
[[Image:Romana.jpg|thumb|[[Roman Giertych]] - Polish almost prime minister almost elected in 2005. Son of almost president. "Go [[gay]]-American dream!"]]
 
   
Jumping apparently out of nowhere (in night, so no one exactly know ''when'' it was established), Poland almost instantly began to spread legs for anyone who want it's piece. First written mentions of Poland come exclusively from nations and other entites (especially [[Pokemon|Pokemons]] and mentally retarded children), whom raided, raped, eviscerated and fucked up whole country several times. But fun ends, when one guy with idiotic nickname ''Mieszko'' said "enough, you fucknuts!".
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First known date from Poland is [[1410]], when ''Jagiełło'' (another idiotic nickname, but we don't give a shit) made a bet with [[Emo-Hitler]] over the two crappy swords ([[Excalibur]] and the Samurai Katana). The loser had to walk whole day with these swords in his anus. Unfortunately, Jagiełło lost. From this time, all Poles have been assholes. ''Literally''. Later, Poland joined Lithuania to found the [[Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth]].
   
First known date from Poland is [[1410]], when ''Chrobry'' (another idiotic nick) make a bet with [[Emo-Hitler]] over the two crappy swords. Loser has to walk whole day with these swords in his anus. Unfoturnately, Chrobry lose. From this time, all Poles are assholes. Literally.
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Poland did, however, save Western Europe from the barbarity of the [[Ottoman Empire]] by massacring 300,000 Turkish soldiers who were gypsying around the environs of Vienna, looking for work. So they can't be all bad? Right?
   
Most important moment in Poland history came in [[1939]], when polish (''Kazimierz the Small'') and german (''Otto the Idiot'') leader repeat old bet. Of course, polish poor fuck again lost his bet.
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The most important moment in Poland history came in [[1939]], when Polish (''Kazimierz the Small'') and German (''Otto the Idiot'') leader repeated the old bet. Of course, polish poor fuck again lost his bet. (Whatever that means.)
   
After winning (thrid time) presidental election in [[2017]], [[Andrzej Lepper]] established first concentration camps in Poland for people, who voted for someone else.
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Of course, there was some cowboy named Bogdan Chmielnicki, who overran various towns and liked to burn cities down for fun, but since he was a nut nobody paid any attention to him. They were too busy making fun of him as a "wannabe Genghis Khan".
   
The nation of Poland suffered a tremendous tragedy after [[The Third World War|World War 3]], when the [[Lithuania|Lithuanian]] army repatriated the Polish city of [[Vilnius|Wilno]] and forced the inhabitants to return to their motherland. The resulting overpopulation caused a famine of unseen proportions which claimed all of the displaced residents of Wilno. After that polish people invented the only way to bring freedom back to Wilno. This way was wudzia. They produced a lot, then invite all Lithuanians for birthday and forced them to drink. Quickly the Wilno was back in Poland and Lithuanians back in hospitals.
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The nation of Poland suffered a tremendous tragedy after [[The Third World War|World War III]], when the [[Lithuania|Lithuanian]] army repatriated the Polish city of [[Vilnius|Wilno]] and forced the inhabitants to return to their motherland. The resulting overpopulation caused a famine of unseen proportions which claimed all of the displaced residents of Wilno. After that polish people invented the only way to bring freedom back to Wilno. This way was wudzia. They produced it a lot, then invite all Lithuanians for birthday and forced them to drink. Quickly the Wilno was back in Poland and Lithuanians back in hospitals.
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===Poland after the Second World War===
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Poland was completely flattened after all the Germans wandered across to look at Poland's new bike. The Germans were quite adamant that they should ride the bike, but Poland's mum had told Poland that this was a bike of the state and should not be rented to the capitalist [[Nazi]] German oppressors, considering how long Polands's mum worked in the tractor factory in order to buy one.
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Andrzej Więckowski, former crowned king of Poland, allied with Kenyan ambassador [[Amrita Naul]], Hongien Kongien Queen Tara Jagtiani and Duchess of Ipswich Gill Turner to form an alliance of brick layers to build a wall to keep the bloody germans out. Despite the relative ease of the task, and the success of the West germans to keep the bloody bread queuing potato shagging communists, and their shell-suits out, the Polish succumbed to the distraction of a banana brought by Naul, and gave up on wall building, to stare at it's yellowness. Following such, the communists, each armed solely with a potato hanging from their penises, invaded poland, and forced everyone to listen to abba and wear a shell suit.
   
 
==Military==
 
==Military==
The Polish military is well known for its elite hang glider, submarine and armoured divisions. However, the Polish [[ninjas|ninja infantry]] is still relatively unknown despite their key roles in the assassinations of [[Adolf Hitler]], [[John F. Kennedy|JFK]], [[Superman]], Olivia Newton John Travolta and [[Marlon Brando]] (to name but a few). Regardless, most of the world's population tends to forget about Poland, a fact which [[George W. Bush]] has [[You_forgot_Poland|capitalized]] on several times.
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The Polish military is well known for its elite hang glider, submarine, horseman-with-lance, and armoured divisions. However, the Polish [[ninjas|ninja infantry]] is still relatively unknown despite their key roles in the assassinations of [[Adolf Hitler]], [[John F. Kennedy|JFK]], [[Superman]], Olivia Newton John Travolta and [[Marlon Brando]] (to name but a few).
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However, they all proved useless when Germany and Russia killed Poland by running it over with a tank. Poland's family demanded Germany and Russia pay Poland's life insurance policy from the insurance company Western Alliance Policy Inc. They refused, and the company had no choice but to intervene violently. This led to the company's involvement in WWII. After the war, Stalin used Commie Voo-Doo to resurrect Poland from the dead, only as a communist. Poland then tried to annex the Baltic Sea, but got its ass kicked when the company demanded its money back and beat up Poland.
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Poland's military is currently being trained by General [[Carlos Ruíz]]. Ruiz the biggest general to lead combat in [[Guatemala]] is training the Pole army to grow some balls and to attack Germany for making life so miserable. In the next few months Guatemala will send their army and guerilla fighters over to Poland, to whip them into shape.
   
 
==Politics==
 
==Politics==
 
[[Image:Wantedbalcerowicz.jpg|thumb|left|Historic electoral poster of [[Leszek Balcerowicz]] from really old Polish election in [[1956]].]]
 
[[Image:Wantedbalcerowicz.jpg|thumb|left|Historic electoral poster of [[Leszek Balcerowicz]] from really old Polish election in [[1956]].]]
   
In Poland, elections are banned. Instead of this, every four years polish people enjoy so-called famous '''pig race''' in biggest circus in Poland. Every president (and deputy) candidate sit on genetically engineered wild pigs from most distant and dark corners of Poland. They run in circles in circus tent, drinking hectolitres of wudzia, screaming obscenites at each other, throwing shit (often their own), run into walls and generally causing big mess, until tent falls. Winner is that candidate or deputy, whom still can move after that madness.
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In Poland, elections are banned. Instead of this, every five years polish people enjoy so-called (in)famous '''pig race''' in biggest circus in Poland. Every president (and deputy) candidate sit on genetically engineered wild pigs from most distant and dark corners of Poland. They run in circles in circus tent, drinking hectolitres of wudzia, screaming obscenites at each other, throwing shit (often their own), run into walls and generally causing big mess, until tent falls. Winner is that candidate or deputy, whom still can move after that madness.
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There is something called the Sejm, aka the "Same", which is supposed to be part of the government. It gets its name from the fact that everyone wants change, so politicians promise change, but don't change anything.
   
 
Strange polish parliament is composed from many apolitical and non-political parties from over the all world, such as:
 
Strange polish parliament is composed from many apolitical and non-political parties from over the all world, such as:
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*'''Puking Ovens''': killed mercilessly by [[Kaczyński]], whom assimilated their poor-ass leader.
 
*'''Puking Ovens''': killed mercilessly by [[Kaczyński]], whom assimilated their poor-ass leader.
 
*'''Outlaw and Injustice''': currently ruling leftist-anarchistic-fascist party.
 
*'''Outlaw and Injustice''': currently ruling leftist-anarchistic-fascist party.
*'''Lenin Putin Russia''': raging communistic bastards, infilitrated by [[Father Director Teddy Rydzyk]].
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*'''Lenin Putin Russia''': raging communistic bastards, infiltrated by [[Father Director Teddy Rydzyk]].
 
*'''SelfAttack'''(*): self-attacked by [[Andrzej Lepper]] and sinked succesfully. But their time will come.
 
*'''SelfAttack'''(*): self-attacked by [[Andrzej Lepper]] and sinked succesfully. But their time will come.
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*'''Non-Political Block for Fucking Reforms''': name says it all. Led by the infamously antisocial [[Lech Wałęsa]].
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*'''Big Jewish Zyd''': Mostly there so everyone else has someone to blame when thing aren't exactly perfect.
   
(*) '''SelfAttack''' is only a popular, informal name of this party, while officially it was registerd as '''SelfOffense''' with abreviation SO.
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(*) '''SelfAttack''' is only a popular, informal name of this party, while officially it was registerd as '''SelfOffense''' with abbreviation SO.
   
Actual winner of Poland pig race is '''Outlaw and Injustice''' and it's leader [[Kaczyński]].
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Actual winner of Poland pig race are '''Puking Ovens''' and their leader [[Donald Duck]].
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[[Image:batterydcell.jpg|thumb|left|100px|Positive pole.]]
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[[Image:lechwalesa.jpg|thumb|right|200px|[[Lech Wałęsa|Positive Pole]].]]
   
 
==National Legends==
 
==National Legends==
A very old legend tells about two members of the student society. Two knights, Lassak and Simo, famous for their battles with the angry amazons of deanery in the kingdom of Cracow Technical University (Politechnika Krakowska). Survivors of endless '''September Campaigns''', they are believed to still study in the restless struggle for masters' degrees.
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A very old legend tells of two members of a student society. The two knights, Lassak and Simo, famous for their battles with the angry amazons of The Dean's Office in the Kingdom of Cracow Technical University (Politechnika Krakowska), survivors of the endless '''September Campaigns''', they are believed to be still engaged in a relentless struggle for their Master's Degrees.
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Other legends include that of the '''Infamous Giant Talking Frog of Rumia'''. Rumia is a small village in northern Poland, situated about halfway between Hell and some other town situated twice as far from Hell as Rumia. In Rumia, there is a small, shallow and muddy lake. The Lake is the home of Infamous Giant Talking Frog of Rumia. Once every thousand years, the Frog emerges from the lake. Once it has sat on the sands of the lake's shore, it looks to the left, it looks to the right... and then, it speaks! And do you know what it says? ............. ''"You can all kiss my ass!"''
   
==Customs of Poland==
 
Poland is world-renown for the '''Annual Metal Festival''' held yearly in Rio de Janeiro. Traditionally, every time a new performer takes the stage, every spectator in attendance removes an article of clothing and throws it onto the stage. Nine months after this concert the Polish people celebrate the '''"Great Renewal"''', which marks the Polish New Year. There is a strange increase in the number of children born around this time; however the connection between this phenomenon and the Annual Metal Festival has not been fully investigated. The Great Renewal also celebrates the season in which the crocodiles lay their eggs, providing one of the staples of Polish cuisine.
 
   
 
==Economy==
 
==Economy==
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===Currency===
 
===Currency===
The national currency of Poland is the litre (''litr''). It is produced in denominations of 100mL, 200mL, 355mL, 500mL, 1L and 0,7L. Unlike most other countries Polish money is not minted from metal or printed on paper, but rather is distributed in the form of the transparent liquid, described below. An exchange rate of roughly 8 euros for 1 litre is typically available. Litres are produced by many privately licensed foundries which are owned and strictly controlled by the aristocracy. Counterfeiting is rampant (particularly outside the major cities and in student dormitories) in Poland since litres can be distilled from rain or illegally drawn from rivers.
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The national currency of Poland is the zloty (''litr''). It is produced in denominations of 1 zl, 2 zl, 5 zl or groszy. Like most other countries, polish money is minted from metal or printed on paper.
 
The Polish government enforces a strict set of rules to restrict what can be served as money to the general public. Due to these regulations, the almost only money that is actually available to the public is '''wudzia''' (though underground cells opposed to government oppression distribute a much better transparent liquid called '''wudka''' or sometimes '''spiryt'''). The process of producing wudzia is a secret that is tightly kept by the government (the sole producer of the liquid), but international spies suggest that the liquid is distilled through the tentacles of Wawelski dragon through a process of reverse osmosis. While the ordinary citizens of Poland are expected to make due with wudzia only, the aristocratic ruling class enjoys a wide variety of foods including the aforementioned crocodile eggs and ducks.
 
   
Lately, a new currency appeared there, thanks to threats and bribes from [[European Union]]. People of Poland are welcomed to cheap [[Wine|wines]]. These cheap wines are produced out of cheap grape sos and calcium. Wines are said to make everybodies vision better, that's why every Pole knows how to spot wudzia. Cheap kinds of wines have often very smart and very well thought names, which often sound exclusive like:
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The Polish government enforces a strict set of rules to restrict what can be served as money to the general public. Due to these regulations, the almost only money that is actually available to the public is '''wudzia''' (though underground cells opposed to government oppression distribute a much better transparent liquid called '''wudka''' or sometimes '''spiryt'''). The process of producing wudzia is a secret that is tightly kept by the government (the sole producer of the liquid), but international spies suggest that the liquid is distilled through the tentacles of Wawelski dragon through a process of reverse osmosis.
   
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Lately, a new currency appeared here, thanks to threats and bribes from [[European Union]]. People of Poland drinks more and more [[Wine|wines]], produced out of cheap grape sos and calcium. They have often very smart and very well thought names, which often sound exclusive like:
 
* "Wino" ([[Wine]])
 
* "Wino" ([[Wine]])
 
* "Etanol" ([[Ethanol]])
 
* "Etanol" ([[Ethanol]])
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* "Denaturat" ([[Denatured alcohol]])
 
* "Denaturat" ([[Denatured alcohol]])
   
The Polish citizenry are very proud of their money. They can often be found discussing which foundries produce the best money for hours without end. Some Polish people will even engage in consuming money in public.
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The Poles are very proud of their money. They can often be found discussing which foundries produce the best money for hours without end. Some polish people will even engage in consuming money in public.
  +
  +
At this time, Poland is using zloty as currency.
   
 
===Industry===
 
===Industry===
Line 118: Line 123:
   
 
The most famous polish company is '''Great Wall Investment''' owned by ultracatholic [[Jerzy Urban]] which sell over the world plastic models of walls and speciallizes also in publishing of [[Bible]] in 1001 versions, adapting this famous comic to all ultracatholic sects in the universe. For example: Green Bible, Bible of the Laden, Bible Original ver. corrected or Bible for Animals - ver. acustic.
 
The most famous polish company is '''Great Wall Investment''' owned by ultracatholic [[Jerzy Urban]] which sell over the world plastic models of walls and speciallizes also in publishing of [[Bible]] in 1001 versions, adapting this famous comic to all ultracatholic sects in the universe. For example: Green Bible, Bible of the Laden, Bible Original ver. corrected or Bible for Animals - ver. acustic.
  +
  +
===The Polish workingclass===
  +
[[Image:Polskie_drogi.jpg|thumb|250px|Polish roads are famous throughout the world. Roads like this one are very common. Sign says ''Tree in the road''.]]
  +
  +
Poland is also regarded as [[Europe]]'s [[Mexico]], which means that hordes of polish emigrants venture out to far corners of Europe. They work their ass off for nothing less than half of the minimum-wage, blindingly spreading their disease of wodzia, Lada Powah and more or less suspicious activities, involving their female relatives, for making some extra cash. You can easily pick out a "polish-occupied" camping-site by the abnormally amount of Lada's, empty wudzia bottles and general trash.
  +
  +
A popular leisure-time pursuit in Poland is the game of hide and seek. An average Pole spends 60 years of their life doing it, most of the time under the sinks of English Restaurants. One of the most popular hiding places in Poland is in the back of a truck. Most of the hiders take several months to be found, but it's very rarely the Polish seeker who does so. The British Border and Immigration Agency are somewhat more skilled in the art of seeking, but not at the art of counting. Once found, the Pole is then paid by the government to seek.
  +
  +
Polish workers are proud craftsmen. They pick strawberries like no one, and polish painters can do without any kind of ventilation. Polish construction-workers require no heating nor lighting. This is because our dearly beloved Polish stand-up hardworking, sodomizing and godfearing craftsmen keep themselves warm with insane amounts of wudzia. And since they also show a total ignorance for working safety, this often leads to explosions and wildfire, which in it's turn nullifies the need for light.
  +
  +
In the long run this keeps the flow of Polish workers steady. We both can meet new incarnations of these infamous creatures and get the opportunity to engage in explicit activities with their female relatives.
   
 
===Other===
 
===Other===
 
Polish emigrants abroad in the [[USA]] are well known in the [[floor]]-[[care]] [[industry]]. This is generally attributed to a fortuitous event in [[1979]] when [[Jerzy Krosiński]] answered a [[classified ad]] looking for "men to polish floors."
 
Polish emigrants abroad in the [[USA]] are well known in the [[floor]]-[[care]] [[industry]]. This is generally attributed to a fortuitous event in [[1979]] when [[Jerzy Krosiński]] answered a [[classified ad]] looking for "men to polish floors."
  +
  +
==The Roland Situation==
  +
To their horror, scientists discoverd in 2006 that the word "Roland", is dangerously close to the word "Poland", with just one stroke in the difference. What makes this alphabetical situation "dangerous" is that if Roland is misspelled as Poland or the other way around, the whole time-space continuum will fall apart and all matter will disintegrate. This adds further to Poland's problems following the discovery of the Indonesia Situation in 2005.
  +
  +
==Physical attributes==
  +
[[Image:Polish_unco.gif|right|frame|A Polish male using the Polish's latest weaponry. Other countries call it a "hoolahoop".]]
  +
[[Image:polish uncoordination.JPG|left|thumb|A Polish male. This photograph was taken when he was 100% sober.|350px]]
  +
  +
The Polish typically have a lack of coordination. This is often exhibited simply by the way they walk, but is highlighted whenever they participate in physical activity.
  +
  +
Polish soccer players are renowned for their soccer abilities, simply because their erratic motions confuse their opponents (and unforunately often their own team mates). The result is that once a Polish player receives the ball, all others on the field immediately clear off in fear; the erratic leg-flailing of Pole with possession strikes a chord of fear into the opponents. The fear of bodily harm comes from a trick learned from the National [[Guatemalan]] team, which come onto the soccer pitch running like they are running from immigration officials, causing all white players to start crying out of confusion.
  +
  +
The Polish are famous for inventing ''Nail Polish''. However, they hate the fact that everyone else on [[Earth]] calls them ''Polish'', as well as ''Poles''. Even if they are known for swinging & dancing on "Poles". The [[Politically Correct]] term for "Polish" is ''Polski'' (pl. ''Polski's''). ''Polski's'' love it better when people and tourists call them ''Polski''.
   
 
==Language==
 
==Language==
The Polish language is an international oddity. It has only one phonetic unit to represent all 50 letters of their alphabet. This sound has been described by linguists as the sound made by a caribou as it is being devoured by a hungry lion in a dry [[bush]]. To date there is only one person on Earth who can properly speak the complex Polish language. In a cruel twist of irony, she is deaf and mute.
+
[[Image:Ulica Kenobiego.jpg|thumb|right|250px|[[Obi-Wan Kenobi]] Street in Grabowiec, Poland]]
  +
  +
{{q|[[Shot your fuck up]]!|The result of using English language by a Pole}}
  +
  +
{{Main|Polish language}}
   
===National Greetings===
+
When a polish person speaks his native tongue(Polish) it sounds as if someone is opening a bottle of Sprite. You will quite frequently hear the sound ch sh ch zch and many more types of ch's. If you ask a polish person to teach you some polish, they will teach you the most hardest polish that exist in an effort to making you look like a fool. The sentance is something about a bug on a table.
* '''Ty chuju jebany.''' (pronounced: ''tea who-you yeah-bunny'', meaning: ''Good morning.'')
 
* '''Skocz mi, ty chuju.''' (pronounced: ''scotch me tea who-you'', meaning: ''Good afternon.'')
 
* '''Możesz mi skoczyć.''' (pronounced ''moschesch me skotcheech'', meaning ''Feel free to do what you like.'')
 
* '''Chuj ci w dupę''' (pronounced: ''whoy tchea v doope'', meaning: ''You look very good'')
 
* '''HWDP''' (for police, pronounced: ''hah voo de pe'', meaning: ''to serve and protect'')
 
* '''Ty stara cipo!''' (only to ladies, pronounced ''tea stara chipo'' meaning ''You look so lovely today.'')
 
* '''Wypierdalaj!''' (pronounced: ''vy-peer-thala-y'', meaning: ''Could you possibly leave this place?'')
 
* '''Ty skurwysynu!''' (only to guys, pronouced: ''tea skoor-vee-seenoo'', meaning: ''You are my best friend!'')
 
* '''Pies cię jebał.''' (only to dogs, pronounced: ''peace see-e yee-bow'', meaning: ''My dog likes you.'')
 
* '''Chuj ci w zęby.''' (pronounced: ''whou tchea v zen-bee'', meaning: ''Bon appetit!'')
 
* '''Kurwa!''' (pronounced: ''koorvah'', meaning: ''Oh dear!'')
 
* '''Kurwa twoja mać.''' (pronounced: ''koorvah tvoyah match'', meaning: ''Oh dear, I hope you're all right.'')
 
* '''Co narobiłeś, baranie.''' (pronounced: ''czo naa-robeyesh baraneeh'', meaning: ''I appreciate what you have done.'')
 
* '''Pierdolisz...''' (pronounced: ''peer-doll-isch'' meaning: ''I agree with you. Really!'')
 
* '''Ni chuja.''' (pronounced: ''nee whou-ya'' meaning: ''Yes I'll do what you want.'')
 
* '''Przypierdolę ci.''' (pronounced: ''pshy-peer-dolle-e tshi'' meaning: ''I take care of you'')`
 
* '''Czego, kurwa?''' (pronounced: ''che-goh koorvah'', meaning ''What do you want?'')
 
* '''Morda, psie.''' (pronounced: ''moardah ps-ie'', meaning ''Could you stop talking to me?'')
 
* '''Co ty kurwa pierdolisz?!''' (pronouced: ''czo tea koorvah peer-doll-isch..?!'', meaning: ''Excuse me, what are you talking about?'')
 
* '''Kurwa jego pierdolona mać!''' (pronounced: ''koorvah iego pierre-do-lona mach'', meaning: ''I feel good'')
 
   
=== Grammar ===
+
Another commonly heard word from polish is chup chi chup. This means do you want to go to the bars. It also has another meaning, which is yes I want to go to the bars. So if you see two polish people repeat the phrase chup chi chup, then you have an idea where they are headed.
All books about Polish grammar are banned and on [[Inquisition]] Index because of mass cases of insanity, eye-gouging and vomits on precious bookstories floors. It's saying that original language of [[Cthulhu]] (from: ''Cho, ciulu'') was Polish, and R'yleh originally was written as "ryło" (phiz), but believers had problems with polish national characters.
 
   
 
==People Who Have Not Forgotten Poland==
 
==People Who Have Not Forgotten Poland==
Line 134: Line 163:
 
* [[Joseph Stalin]]
 
* [[Joseph Stalin]]
 
* [[George Bush]]
 
* [[George Bush]]
* [[you]]
+
* [[Ronald McDonald]]
* [[Donald Duck|Donald]] and [[Duck]] (during their fight for polish throne)
+
* [[Donald Duck|Donald]] and [[Duck]] (during their fight for Polish throne)
 
==People of Poland==
 
*[[Kaczyński]] (alias [[Duck|Kaczor]]), ruler of Poland
 
*[[North Pole]]
 
*[[Shaquille O'Neal]], Polish Jedi Master
 
*[[Michael Jackson]]
 
*[[Werner von Braun]], mad scientist
 
 
[[Image:Mapkausa.jpg|right|thumb|One of the first contributions to [[the world]], Poland becomes the first country to map Earth in 1982.]]
 
   
  +
==People of Poland (note: they are not famous)==
  +
*[[Kaczyński]] (alias [[Duck|Kaczor]]), ruler of Poland
  +
*[[Shaquille O'Neal]], Polish Jedi Master
  +
*Werner von Braun, mad scientist
  +
[[Image:Mapkausa.jpg|right|thumb|One of the first contributions to [[the world]], Poland becomes the first country to map Earth in 1982]]
 
*[[Roman Giertych]], politician
 
*[[Roman Giertych]], politician
*[[Andrzej Lepper]], politician
+
*[[Grzegorz Rasiak]], greatest soccer player
*[[Natenczas Wojski]], folk hero
+
*[[Jerzy Dudek]], other soccer player
*[[Bolek i Lolek]], cartoon characters
+
*[[Andrzej Lepper]], politician
  +
*Seweryn Gancarczyk, professional retard
 
*[[Father Director Teddy Rydzyk]], religious leader
 
*[[Father Director Teddy Rydzyk]], religious leader
 
*[[Lech Wałęsa]], ex-ex-expresident
 
*[[Lech Wałęsa]], ex-ex-expresident
*[[Rasiak]], soccer player
+
*[[Stefan Żeromski]], writer
*[[Żeromski|Stefan Żeromski]], writer
 
*[[Paweł Janas]], polish table top tennis champion
 
 
*[[Miś Uszatek]], polish invention that went so wrong
 
*[[Miś Uszatek]], polish invention that went so wrong
<!-- Orphaned article. Please do not remove unless listed on another page. Thank you. -->
+
*Andrew Golota, UFC fighter, who never won a fight
*[[Bogdan Raczynski]], engineer and inventor of the reverse peephole
+
*[[TurboDymoMan]], former Polish superhero.
 
 
==See also==
 
==See also==
* [[vodka]]
 
* [[alcohol]]
 
* [[Nasz Dziennik]]
 
* [[Radio Maryja]]
 
* [[John Paul 2.0]]
 
   
[[Category:Countries]][[Category:Europe]][[Category:Poland]][[Category:Forgotten Countries]]
+
*[[Check If You Are The Pollackophob!]]
  +
*[[Poleland]]
  +
*[[Conservatroll]]
  +
*[[Guatemala]]
  +
*[[UnNews:Riots in Poland: We want promised miracles!]]
  +
*[[UnNews:Seventeen baseball players arrested in Poland; Cubans are shocked]]
  +
*[[UnNews:USA successfully invades Poland]]
  +
*[[Ski jumping]] -- the sport which is played passively by half of the Poles.
  +
*[[Battle of Grunwald]]
  +
  +
==References==
  +
  +
<references />
  +
{{FA|date=16 December 2005|revision=335484}}
  +
  +
{{Europe}}
  +
{{Race}}
  +
{{World Countries}}
  +
  +
[[Category:Poland| ]]
  +
[[Category:Forgotten Countries]]
  +
[[Category:Things George Bush most certainly cares about]]
  +
[[Category:Things that God hates according to Fred Phelps]]
  +
[[Category:Sexy]]
  +
[[Category:Vital articles]]
   
{{ArticleFH}}
+
[[nl:Polen]]
  +
[[pt:Polônia]]
  +
[[uk:Польща]]
  +
[[ast:Polonia]]
  +
[[cs:Polsko]]
  +
[[da:Polen]]
  +
[[de:Polen]]
  +
[[el:Πολωνία]]
  +
[[es:Polonia]]
  +
[[fi:Puola]]
  +
[[fr:Pologne]]
  +
[[hu:Lengyelország]]
  +
[[it:Polonia]]
  +
[[ko:폴란드]]
  +
[[lt:Lenkija]]
  +
[[no:Polen]]
  +
[[pl:Polska]]
  +
[[sk:Poľsko]]
  +
[[sv:Polen]]
  +
[[th:ประเทศโป๊แลนด์]]
  +
[[tr:Polonya]]
  +
[[zh:波兰]]
  +
[[zh-tw:波蘭]]

Latest revision as of 19:38, May 28, 2014

“I'll make Poland a second Japan
~ Polish ex-ex-ex-president Lech Wałęsa during his presidency on the most failed idea any Pole ever invented[1]
“I'll make Poland a second Ireland
~ Polish Prime Minister Donald Tusk on the second most failed idea any Pole ever invented[2]
POOland
Поланд
Roman Catholic Republic of Poland
Scandalland
Fractal poland flag Godelko
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: "You forgot Poland!" (Alternative: "Mazel tov!")
Anthem: "Hej, sokoły" (same like Yugoslavian, just faster)
Worldbymicrosoft
(World map by John Kerry, but... where the fuck is Poland?)
Capital Wallsall or War Saw (Piła bojowa) renamed to Duckburg (Kaczogród) in 2005
Largest city Wąchock, Szczebrzeszyn, Swornegacie, Pszczyna, Southampton
Official language(s) Hebrew, Yiddish, Tiếng Việt
Government Corrupted Democracy
Pornstar Double-headed Your Mom
‑ Premier Donald Duck
Declaration
 of Independence
Yesterday. Probably. Maybe. Who the fuck knows? Whos the fuck cares?
Currency Litres
Religion sect of priest Rydzyk, paganism, duckism and Orthodox Catholic Movement
Major exports Smoking, alcoholism, emigrants to London, parts of Ireland and of course Scotland en masse, drinking their National Currency and wines, listening to Radio Maryja

A forgotten, no longer officially socialist village located on a small island in the Baltic Sea, Poland is famous for its corridor, which was a big political issue. The Polish Corridor was the origin of corridor politics. About 50% of all people who are alive today that come from Poland now live in Ireland. I know this because some Polish bitch took my job in Super-Valu! That's it, I'm going to speak German all the time the next time I go over there. The nation of Poland has a poulation of around 22.5 due to virtually every Polish person moving to Ireland & Great Britain or to USA in the past. Here, they occupy the worst parts of every city, town or any settlement that they can find. In Ireland they usually get stabbed by Irish teenagers from warzone areas such as finglas, blanchardstown, tallaght and clondalkin. Polish people aren't allowed into Limerick or they'll be stabbed. There are no people in Poland and it is understood that the uninhabited country is populated solely by field mice and their president of course.

edit Relations with other countries

“PWN'T, N00b!”
~ Germany and Russia on Poland
“Get the feck out of our feckin' country! Dirty feckers...”
~ Scotland on Poland
“Poles, so dirty, they sure stick together.”
~ Americans' favorite polish joke on Poland

edit Indonesia

Poland is the Anti-Indonesia.

 \mbox{Poland} = {\left [ \frac {\mbox{ white }}{\mbox{ red }}\right]}
 \mbox{Indonesia } = {\left [ \frac { \mbox{red}}{\mbox{white}}\right]}

So we have:

 {\left ( \mbox{Poland}\right)}^{-1} = {\left [ \frac{\mbox{white}}{\mbox{red}}\right]}^{-1} = {\left [ \frac{\mbox{red}}{\mbox{white}}\right]} = \mbox{Indonesia}
Bouncywikilogo2
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Poland.
Conservapedia logo
The faux patriot snake handlers at Conservapedia have an even funnier article about Poland.

Therefore, if Poland or Indonesia were ever to meet, interact, or touch in any way shape or form, all existence would be destroyed. Ironically, Indonesia has forgotten Poland.

edit Malta

Poland is the Adjoint-Inverse of Malta.

 \mbox{Poland} = {\left [ \frac { \mbox{white}}{\mbox{red}}\right]}
 \mbox{Malta} = {\left [ {\mbox{red}}|{\mbox{white}}\right]}

So we have:

 {\left ( {\left ( \mbox{Poland}\right)}^{-1}\right)}^{\dagger} = {\left ( {\left [ \frac{\mbox{white}}{\mbox{red}}\right]}^{-1}\right)}^{\dagger} = {\left [ \frac{\mbox{red}}{\mbox{white}}\right]}^{\dagger} = {\left [ {\mbox{red}}|{\mbox{white}}\right]} = \mbox{Malta}

As a result, Poland and Malta form hermitian bijections onto each other.

edit Culture

Poland once had a National Library; however it had to be closed down because someone stole the book.

edit Education

Students are required to wear awesome uniforms in order to attend school throughout the nation. The colour and decorations of each student's uniform are dictated by his/her marks and achievements/failings.

Polish-high-school-uniforms

Uniforms in Polish High School

edit Uniform colors and marks

  • violet - A (Expert in Advanced Physics)
  • red - B (Expert in Higher Mathematics)
  • white, light grey - C (Expert in Rocket Science)
  • dark grey, black - D (Expert in Medicine)
  • blue - E (Expert in Linguistic Theory)
  • green - F (Expert in Protonomics)
  • yellow - G (Expert in N-Dimensional Chess)
  • orange - U (Expert in Blanking Uncyclopedia Pages)
  • pink - Z (Expert in the sexual harassment)

edit Decorations

  • exposed chest - class president
  • no trousers - student often arrives late for class
  • fez - student has excelled in a certain discipline (the fez provides protection for his/her head as the climate in Poland is typically very cold)
  • stuffed animal - student still wets the bed during nap time (primarily used to absorb the urine)

edit Students

A furious group of individuals living in special separated, boobytrapped and armed zones called akademiki (dormitories). Students, like America's students, are famous for their ability to exist without food, water, showers, or kitten huffing. They have evolved to gain energy directly from the Polish currency - wudzia, mainly in the flavours Paris Blue and Sky above Chernobyl.

The main form of income in Poland comes from students who pay for their failed exams several times. Students who don't pay on time are shot without warning, beaten on the balls, raped, and sent to Siberia. It is called the September Campaign.

edit Medical Care

Medical care is a very specific aspect of polish life. Doctors, nurses and other medical staff are heavily armed and they received prize for each scalp of the patient, called "skin" (skóra). The special section of polish hospitals is the hospital of Łódź, which is the greatest producer of the human skins. Generally, in Polish hospitals, a medicament called "pavulon" is officially recognized as a panaceum for all possible and impossible illnesses; including motion sickness, madness (especially voting on doubleplusungood political candidates), organ atrophy (except of brain), bone fracture and zombification. Since brain atrophy is so common in Poland, the locals ignore it.

edit History of Poland

You may be looking for invasion and not even know it!

Romana

Roman Giertych - Polish almost prime minister almost elected in 2005. Since 5th of May 2006 Polish minister of education. Son of almost president. "Go gay-American dream!"

The Polish are scum; that is a scientific fact. Since all people are scum anyway, that is an unimportant fact.

Jumping apparently out of nowhere (in night, so no one exactly know when it was established), Poland almost instantly began to spread legs for anyone who wants its piece. (This is how pole dancing got its name, and how the long rod that go-go bars use as a dance tool came to be known as a "pole". Lapland joined in the fun, too.) The first written mentions of Poland come exclusively from nations and other entities (especially tourists who made a wrong turn three hours before and mentally retarded children), whom raided, raped, eviscerated and fucked up whole country several times. But fun ends, when one guy with idiotic nickname Mieszko said "Enough, you fucknuts!".

First known date from Poland is 1410, when Jagiełło (another idiotic nickname, but we don't give a shit) made a bet with Emo-Hitler over the two crappy swords (Excalibur and the Samurai Katana). The loser had to walk whole day with these swords in his anus. Unfortunately, Jagiełło lost. From this time, all Poles have been assholes. Literally. Later, Poland joined Lithuania to found the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth.

Poland did, however, save Western Europe from the barbarity of the Ottoman Empire by massacring 300,000 Turkish soldiers who were gypsying around the environs of Vienna, looking for work. So they can't be all bad? Right?

The most important moment in Poland history came in 1939, when Polish (Kazimierz the Small) and German (Otto the Idiot) leader repeated the old bet. Of course, polish poor fuck again lost his bet. (Whatever that means.)

Of course, there was some cowboy named Bogdan Chmielnicki, who overran various towns and liked to burn cities down for fun, but since he was a nut nobody paid any attention to him. They were too busy making fun of him as a "wannabe Genghis Khan".

The nation of Poland suffered a tremendous tragedy after World War III, when the Lithuanian army repatriated the Polish city of Wilno and forced the inhabitants to return to their motherland. The resulting overpopulation caused a famine of unseen proportions which claimed all of the displaced residents of Wilno. After that polish people invented the only way to bring freedom back to Wilno. This way was wudzia. They produced it a lot, then invite all Lithuanians for birthday and forced them to drink. Quickly the Wilno was back in Poland and Lithuanians back in hospitals.

edit Poland after the Second World War

Poland was completely flattened after all the Germans wandered across to look at Poland's new bike. The Germans were quite adamant that they should ride the bike, but Poland's mum had told Poland that this was a bike of the state and should not be rented to the capitalist Nazi German oppressors, considering how long Polands's mum worked in the tractor factory in order to buy one.

Andrzej Więckowski, former crowned king of Poland, allied with Kenyan ambassador Amrita Naul, Hongien Kongien Queen Tara Jagtiani and Duchess of Ipswich Gill Turner to form an alliance of brick layers to build a wall to keep the bloody germans out. Despite the relative ease of the task, and the success of the West germans to keep the bloody bread queuing potato shagging communists, and their shell-suits out, the Polish succumbed to the distraction of a banana brought by Naul, and gave up on wall building, to stare at it's yellowness. Following such, the communists, each armed solely with a potato hanging from their penises, invaded poland, and forced everyone to listen to abba and wear a shell suit.

edit Military

The Polish military is well known for its elite hang glider, submarine, horseman-with-lance, and armoured divisions. However, the Polish ninja infantry is still relatively unknown despite their key roles in the assassinations of Adolf Hitler, JFK, Superman, Olivia Newton John Travolta and Marlon Brando (to name but a few).

However, they all proved useless when Germany and Russia killed Poland by running it over with a tank. Poland's family demanded Germany and Russia pay Poland's life insurance policy from the insurance company Western Alliance Policy Inc. They refused, and the company had no choice but to intervene violently. This led to the company's involvement in WWII. After the war, Stalin used Commie Voo-Doo to resurrect Poland from the dead, only as a communist. Poland then tried to annex the Baltic Sea, but got its ass kicked when the company demanded its money back and beat up Poland.

Poland's military is currently being trained by General Carlos Ruíz. Ruiz the biggest general to lead combat in Guatemala is training the Pole army to grow some balls and to attack Germany for making life so miserable. In the next few months Guatemala will send their army and guerilla fighters over to Poland, to whip them into shape.

edit Politics

Wantedbalcerowicz

Historic electoral poster of Leszek Balcerowicz from really old Polish election in 1956.

In Poland, elections are banned. Instead of this, every five years polish people enjoy so-called (in)famous pig race in biggest circus in Poland. Every president (and deputy) candidate sit on genetically engineered wild pigs from most distant and dark corners of Poland. They run in circles in circus tent, drinking hectolitres of wudzia, screaming obscenites at each other, throwing shit (often their own), run into walls and generally causing big mess, until tent falls. Winner is that candidate or deputy, whom still can move after that madness.

There is something called the Sejm, aka the "Same", which is supposed to be part of the government. It gets its name from the fact that everyone wants change, so politicians promise change, but don't change anything.

Strange polish parliament is composed from many apolitical and non-political parties from over the all world, such as:

  • Slutty Little Dickies: mindless drones of chubby-cheeked Aleksander "Acid" Kwaśniewski.
  • Anally Weaseled Sempertines: long-dead corpse, and is really stinking.
  • Puking Ovens: killed mercilessly by Kaczyński, whom assimilated their poor-ass leader.
  • Outlaw and Injustice: currently ruling leftist-anarchistic-fascist party.
  • Lenin Putin Russia: raging communistic bastards, infiltrated by Father Director Teddy Rydzyk.
  • SelfAttack(*): self-attacked by Andrzej Lepper and sinked succesfully. But their time will come.
  • Non-Political Block for Fucking Reforms: name says it all. Led by the infamously antisocial Lech Wałęsa.
  • Big Jewish Zyd: Mostly there so everyone else has someone to blame when thing aren't exactly perfect.

(*) SelfAttack is only a popular, informal name of this party, while officially it was registerd as SelfOffense with abbreviation SO.

Actual winner of Poland pig race are Puking Ovens and their leader Donald Duck.

Batterydcell

Positive pole.

Lechwalesa

Positive Pole.

edit National Legends

A very old legend tells of two members of a student society. The two knights, Lassak and Simo, famous for their battles with the angry amazons of The Dean's Office in the Kingdom of Cracow Technical University (Politechnika Krakowska), survivors of the endless September Campaigns, they are believed to be still engaged in a relentless struggle for their Master's Degrees.

Other legends include that of the Infamous Giant Talking Frog of Rumia. Rumia is a small village in northern Poland, situated about halfway between Hell and some other town situated twice as far from Hell as Rumia. In Rumia, there is a small, shallow and muddy lake. The Lake is the home of Infamous Giant Talking Frog of Rumia. Once every thousand years, the Frog emerges from the lake. Once it has sat on the sands of the lake's shore, it looks to the left, it looks to the right... and then, it speaks! And do you know what it says? ............. "You can all kiss my ass!"


edit Economy

Czartesciowejwin

"Charm of mother-in-law" - most exclusive wine from Poland.

edit Currency

The national currency of Poland is the zloty (litr). It is produced in denominations of 1 zl, 2 zl, 5 zl or groszy. Like most other countries, polish money is minted from metal or printed on paper.

The Polish government enforces a strict set of rules to restrict what can be served as money to the general public. Due to these regulations, the almost only money that is actually available to the public is wudzia (though underground cells opposed to government oppression distribute a much better transparent liquid called wudka or sometimes spiryt). The process of producing wudzia is a secret that is tightly kept by the government (the sole producer of the liquid), but international spies suggest that the liquid is distilled through the tentacles of Wawelski dragon through a process of reverse osmosis.

Lately, a new currency appeared here, thanks to threats and bribes from European Union. People of Poland drinks more and more wines, produced out of cheap grape sos and calcium. They have often very smart and very well thought names, which often sound exclusive like:

The Poles are very proud of their money. They can often be found discussing which foundries produce the best money for hours without end. Some polish people will even engage in consuming money in public.

At this time, Poland is using zloty as currency.

edit Industry

Polish toliet taps are main source of beer, yellow dye and sediment rock, major export products of Poland.

The most famous polish company is Great Wall Investment owned by ultracatholic Jerzy Urban which sell over the world plastic models of walls and speciallizes also in publishing of Bible in 1001 versions, adapting this famous comic to all ultracatholic sects in the universe. For example: Green Bible, Bible of the Laden, Bible Original ver. corrected or Bible for Animals - ver. acustic.

edit The Polish workingclass

Polskie drogi

Polish roads are famous throughout the world. Roads like this one are very common. Sign says Tree in the road.

Poland is also regarded as Europe's Mexico, which means that hordes of polish emigrants venture out to far corners of Europe. They work their ass off for nothing less than half of the minimum-wage, blindingly spreading their disease of wodzia, Lada Powah and more or less suspicious activities, involving their female relatives, for making some extra cash. You can easily pick out a "polish-occupied" camping-site by the abnormally amount of Lada's, empty wudzia bottles and general trash.

A popular leisure-time pursuit in Poland is the game of hide and seek. An average Pole spends 60 years of their life doing it, most of the time under the sinks of English Restaurants. One of the most popular hiding places in Poland is in the back of a truck. Most of the hiders take several months to be found, but it's very rarely the Polish seeker who does so. The British Border and Immigration Agency are somewhat more skilled in the art of seeking, but not at the art of counting. Once found, the Pole is then paid by the government to seek.

Polish workers are proud craftsmen. They pick strawberries like no one, and polish painters can do without any kind of ventilation. Polish construction-workers require no heating nor lighting. This is because our dearly beloved Polish stand-up hardworking, sodomizing and godfearing craftsmen keep themselves warm with insane amounts of wudzia. And since they also show a total ignorance for working safety, this often leads to explosions and wildfire, which in it's turn nullifies the need for light.

In the long run this keeps the flow of Polish workers steady. We both can meet new incarnations of these infamous creatures and get the opportunity to engage in explicit activities with their female relatives.

edit Other

Polish emigrants abroad in the USA are well known in the floor-care industry. This is generally attributed to a fortuitous event in 1979 when Jerzy Krosiński answered a classified ad looking for "men to polish floors."

edit The Roland Situation

To their horror, scientists discoverd in 2006 that the word "Roland", is dangerously close to the word "Poland", with just one stroke in the difference. What makes this alphabetical situation "dangerous" is that if Roland is misspelled as Poland or the other way around, the whole time-space continuum will fall apart and all matter will disintegrate. This adds further to Poland's problems following the discovery of the Indonesia Situation in 2005.

edit Physical attributes

Polish unco

A Polish male using the Polish's latest weaponry. Other countries call it a "hoolahoop".

Polish uncoordination

A Polish male. This photograph was taken when he was 100% sober.

The Polish typically have a lack of coordination. This is often exhibited simply by the way they walk, but is highlighted whenever they participate in physical activity.

Polish soccer players are renowned for their soccer abilities, simply because their erratic motions confuse their opponents (and unforunately often their own team mates). The result is that once a Polish player receives the ball, all others on the field immediately clear off in fear; the erratic leg-flailing of Pole with possession strikes a chord of fear into the opponents. The fear of bodily harm comes from a trick learned from the National Guatemalan team, which come onto the soccer pitch running like they are running from immigration officials, causing all white players to start crying out of confusion.

The Polish are famous for inventing Nail Polish. However, they hate the fact that everyone else on Earth calls them Polish, as well as Poles. Even if they are known for swinging & dancing on "Poles". The Politically Correct term for "Polish" is Polski (pl. Polski's). Polski's love it better when people and tourists call them Polski.

edit Language

Ulica Kenobiego

Obi-Wan Kenobi Street in Grabowiec, Poland

Shot your fuck up!”
~ The result of using English language by a Pole
Main article: Polish language

When a polish person speaks his native tongue(Polish) it sounds as if someone is opening a bottle of Sprite. You will quite frequently hear the sound ch sh ch zch and many more types of ch's. If you ask a polish person to teach you some polish, they will teach you the most hardest polish that exist in an effort to making you look like a fool. The sentance is something about a bug on a table.

Another commonly heard word from polish is chup chi chup. This means do you want to go to the bars. It also has another meaning, which is yes I want to go to the bars. So if you see two polish people repeat the phrase chup chi chup, then you have an idea where they are headed.

edit People Who Have Not Forgotten Poland

Sun Yat-Sen

Austria-Hungarian statesman Sun Yat-Sen ponders where Poland is exactly.

edit People of Poland (note: they are not famous)

Mapkausa

One of the first contributions to the world, Poland becomes the first country to map Earth in 1982

edit See also

edit References

  1. That was an epic fail due to three things: first of all Poles can drink much more without fainting, secondly: Poles can't read those retarded letters and finally: Pole will never die from hard work (karoshi), he will rather take a break
  2. He was actually quite successful with this idea as about half million Poles emmigrated to Ireland

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