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“It's becoming a real tell.
~ Captain Obvious on Poker

“Liquor in the front, Poker in the rear.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Sexual Intercourse

Poker is a very popular rigged card game in which players, sometimes referred to as poker players, put their money into a central pot called the toilet and make kebabs with each other. The money is awarded to the person whose cards are the least statistically disappointing.

The etymology of the word "poker" came from a card-playing party game used at orgies; later, the sex was removed from the game. This has widely been regarded as the biggest mistake the human race has made.

The rules of the game are relatively simple regardless of the variation one chooses to play. Almost all games use the same ranking for hands, although feet can be very rank as well. Common games are five-card draw, seven-card stud, Russian poker (a gun is used in place of cards), Alaska give 'em, San Francisco Hold-Him, and Texas hold 'em.

Poker can also refer to video poker, a single-player game seen in casinos much like a slot machine, or to audio poker, which is played verbally with mandatory blindfolds; games of which can last some weeks.

## GameplayEdit

### Objective of PokerEdit

The objective of any poker game is simply to exit a casino with less money than you went in with. Normally after about five minutes of sitting down to play.

## HistoryEdit

### InventionEdit

Poker was invented in ancient times was was commonplace throughout the Roman Empire at least 50 years before the birth of Christ. Originally the deck consisted of 48 cards, with an additional 52 Jokers, all of which were wild. Split pots were not uncommon. Back in the old days ], they didn't have things to gamble on like those newfangled horses or hats with feathers, so they had to gamble on less frivolous things such as PSP's, PS3's, and Pamela Anderson clones).

However, if recent claims by Professor Nothing Todo from University of Trashland are to be believed, then the game's origin goes back to the late 1400's. According to his research, the game was invented out of utter boredom and frustration by a douche named Pokernikus. He was a long lost cousin of Nicholas Kopernikus. While Kopernicus was too busy formulating his theories of the Universe, Pokernicus )couldn't take the loneliness and thus, toiled hard to create a game he could play with other douchebags without moving his lazy a**.

### Origins of the aceEdit

Once the wild cards were reduced, 'to generally less than 17 per deck' ("Hoyle On Poker: A Dead White Guy Teaches You How To Think Like One" London, 1865, pp134), people started winning (and losing!) at Poker. The non-wild cards in the deck ran only Deuce to King, as it was generally held that Ones were a bit pointless, since no-one could think of a cool-sounding nickname for them like 'treys'. But in 1877, a tense game of Poker in the 'Wild West', a bar two miles north of Schenectady, NY, ended in uproar when James Jessey, a keen player, took umbrage at one too many 'bad beats' and, on seeing at the showdown that his opponent's 4 kings could not be beaten, simply took four blank pieces of paper and placed a letter 'A' on each one. 'This is a higher card', he said, producing his six-shooter to quell all arguments. The 'ace' quickly became popular, and was incorporated into the deck. The practice of inventing new ranks of card mid-game died out in the 1890's, during the Great Paper Famine.

### VariationsEdit

Often inferior players would, when faced with a tough raise, ask their opponent to give them 'a clue' as to the cards they held. If the other player agreed, the requesting player (the 'divot') would turn one of their own cards face-up on the table. This, combined with an overenthusiastic dealer, led to the invention of 7-Stud in 1884. Further variations like Texas hold' em, Freddie Mercury's Mustache, Alabama chew 'em and electric boogaloo high-low split (now, alas, played almost nowhere) soon followed.

The most popular form of Poker in the world today is Mississippi Sip'em (or 'Mahjong'), which has only one rule which can be expressed linguistically (and this is it).

Furthermore, the variation of gimpetus verticalis where players will be forced to sit on the ceiling and attempt to throw their best cards into each others eyes before the blood rushes to their brain ultimately ending in their inevitable death, mostly played by suicidal gimps!

### BettingEdit

Most Humans will bet small children, unborn fetuses, mother-in-laws, vital organs, another human's vital organs, and animal remains. Often the bets are decided before the game is started. Bets can include anything of value from toilet paper to solid gold breasts. Many young women decided to put their dignity as well as their virginity on the poker court. This is popular amongst Las Vegas whores and extremely drunk women. Sometimes men try to place their dignity on the table but that usually ends in their death.

### ProhibitionEdit

By the mid 1800s, poker was very popular and, for a brief period, Friday was renamed Pokernight and men were relieved of all prior family commitments in order to participate in the game. However, as more and more people began to realize the truly evil nature of the game, a public outcry from concerned citizens resulted in the United States government passing the Devil's Card Game Act of 1844.

The act prevented the game from being played anywhere within the country, and also disallowed poker chips from being manufactured or sold. While the act was backed by many citizens, it was despised by others -- poker players mainly. Desperate players turned to bootlegging; that is, the manufacture of illegal poker paraphernalia for unlawful poker games. The illegal games were often set up in the backrooms of bars and pet stores, where men would congregate for hours at a time. The government stopped paying attention after awhile and the prohibition law was de facto repealed, although technically it is still punishable by up to 14 years in prison.

### Present dayEdit

Today, poker remains illegal, though like murder, people do it anyway. It is most commonly played in the home or outside of the home. While early generations were well aware of the true nature of poker, the last few generations seem to remain oblivious to the evil intentions of the game. It continues to destroy lives on a daily basis.

### Famous PlayersEdit

The most famous unconfirmed player in poker history was Inflatable Bill [Explanation unavailable due to uncontrollable circumstances involving Interpol].

Jesus Christ played the game and made history in the process: it was during The Last Poker (i.e., the final weekly Poker night that Jesus held with his twelve foremost Disciples just before His crucifixion) that Judas Iscariot dealt Jesus the first-ever "Dead Man's Hand" from the bottom of the deck and won a pot worth 30 pieces of silver in the bargain.

Mr. T was a famous poker player. He play to get mo' gold on neck.

Optimus Prime won his role in Transformers by betting against the Honda Robot back in 1976. He later bet the role in a game against Satan on the Spanish Train. Satan was later caught cheating by the almighty God. He promptly returned the role to Optimus.

Michael Jackson once won a small human boy in a game of poker against Bill Gates and Edgar Allen Poe.

Oz Pearlman is also known for inventing the infamous poker strategy of wearing black sunglasses. The general idea behind it was that other players would not notice when he fell asleep and would themselves become tired waiting for him to end his turn. This would however, often backfire once someone realized that he had actually fallen asleep, and then proceed to draw on his face with permanent markers. Today, this strategy is still used to make it harder for others to read one's facial expressions. Considering that sunglasses only cover a small portion of the face, it is easy to understand why this strategy is amazingly uneffective. Additionally, the sunglasses make you look like a jackass (perhaps the only positive aspect).

Zhuge Liang was undoubtedly an enormously famous and successful poker player due to his extraordinary intelligence. He was able to predict absolutely everything and hence always wins, especially when he's playing against Cao Cao and Sima Yi. It's very unfortunate that he died on the Wuzhang Table during one of his matches because he refused to take breaks and kept on working on his plans for his hand.

Psychics are all excellent at poker, but many did not play because their predictions has told them that they were going to lose.

Doyle Brunson and Chris Ferguson also merit a shared line between them.

Chipolucho/Chipolino - some Mexican. Loves donkeys.

CATS was very good at poker, but in a historical game he said "all your base are belong to us" and offended the captain thus ending his days of poker.

A pack of dogs were very good at poker, until a squirrel ran by.