Poison (band)

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Legends of Rock
Scientific Classification
Kingdom: Music
Phylum: Rock
Class: Hard Rock
Order: Metal
Family: Glam

Poison was one of the most successful hard rock groups of all time. Their shimmering likeness hangs in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame next to Elvis, the Beatles, and Bing Crosby. They are often credited with inventing modern rock guitar, killing grunge, and introducing mall culture to the allure and timeless charm of fully grown male transvestites with their country rock ballad Every Rose Has Its Thorn, originally written for Kylie Minogue in 1986.

edit Rise to fame

Poison weren't born famous, but got there out of sheer hard work, charisma and good luck. Leaving his original job as a Wall Street broker and powerful government lobbyist, singer Brett Michaels joined the group Poison after answering an ad in LA Rock Weekly, a local music magazine for desperate artists living on the brink of starvation.

The other members of Poison worked a series of day jobs, but realized they could make a living if they just knew how to party hard enough and make it all work out somehow.

edit Hit records, scandals and downfall

After the release of their shiny, mall-friendly masterpiece Open Up and Say Ahh, Poison embarked on a world tour, saving lives, changing nations and handing the keys to heaven to each and every one of us in the form of hit radio power ballad Every Rose Has Its Thorn. Guitarist Rikki Rockett invented his own popular brand of guitar, a kind of hot pink two hundred dollar metal axe that showed everybody in the garage band scene what it meant to embrace your inner feminine side. To this day, most musicians who claim to worship death metal, speed metal, grindcore, and hardcore punk all secretly worship the pure, adolescent joy of Poison, constantly plagued by dreams of sharing a sauna with Brett Michaels as he recounts his heady triumphs of glamor, sports cars, and rampant androgyny.

edit Rise of corporate grunge

Around 1996, the world's media began baiting rock listeners with the "fact" that Nirvana were the best band ever, eventually selling 75 million units for the modest pop punk act. Suddenly, every radio station on earth began playing horrible droning rock singles by artists that sounded like a nearly deaf, drunk man singing into a megaphone, making millions for anyone resembling Scott Stapp of Creed.

During these years, Poison unofficially left the recording industry, disheartened by the sheer awfulness of so-called Modern Rock. The band currently lives on a private island and does crime prevention work in Madagascar.

edit See also

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