Poet Laureate

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OscarWilde

Oscar Wilde, the inventor of low rate poetry.

A Poet Laureate, or Low Rate Poet, is a person who has convinced themselves, usually through the use of drugs and/or alcohol, that people want to hear or read their psychobabble. Low Rate Poets have paraded around for centuries attempting to convince others of their greatness, never realizing that all they had to do to be recognized was die. [1]

edit Origin of the Term

Because there have been so many Artist Laureates, or Low Rate Artists throughout history, the people that actually do something for society were required to divide them up into groups. The Low Rate Painters were hired to paint churches, and Low Rate Poets were hired to write history books in a way no one can understand. It is believed that the Bible and the Koran were written by the same Low Rate Poet. [2]

edit Low Rate Poets in History

edit William Blake

William Blake, commonly known as that creepy guy at church, would ingest copious amounts of hallucinogenic substances and write poems about the Bible. On the final of his many "trips" William traveled cross-country by train to take an imaginary job in a town called Machine located just south west of the American Frontier. After being shot for laying with his would be boss's son's wife, William wandered off into the woods to die with the Indians. To this day nobody cares. [3]

edit Charles Bukowski

Probably the only poet that never had a drink in his life Chuck is only remembered for his brief cameo in a Modest Mouse song. Had he chosen to drink and lust for women, he may have had a chance at writing something meaningful. His largest drawback was waiting till the age of 72 to die.

edit Edgar Allan Poe

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For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Poet Laureate.

Poe spent the majority of his years as a wine-guzzling bricklayer named Montresor. He wrote several self help books and over one hundred inspirational poems. The public was first alerted to his existence when it was discovered that he had murdered his uncle and buried him under the floorboards of their home. The police were alerted to the corpse when neighbors complained of a loud heart beat sound originating from under the home.

Poe was tried by a court of his peers and was sentenced to death by pendulum. His works were discovered and published by family members shortly following his death.

edit William Shakespeare

Neither literate nor articulate, William Shakespeare relied heavily on his 100 pet monkeys and their typewriters. It is widely reported that Yoda learned English by reading his novels. Nobody would give a shit about ol' Bill if he didn't die in a fire, started by his monkeys, during an orgiastic writing ceremony.

edit Homer

Homer, author of long and boring books such as the Odyssey, lives today with his wife and 3 children in Springfield. Most people have never heard of him, as he has yet to die.

edit Vincent van Gogh

Van Gogh may be a Low Rate Artist, but he deserves mention here because he did drink so much absinthe that he cut his own ear off. How fucking poetic. Oh yea, he is also dead.

edit Low Rate Poets on Uncylopedia

edit References

  1. Death: Life takes it's toll.
  2. Jack Black: I know EVERYTHING!
  3. Dead Man: You must become one to be a true poet.
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