Plymouth

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Plymouth
Plymouth
240px-Uk outline map
Population 246,100 (Tramps Included)
What Janners (people from Plymouth) do Wander around the bottom of town (Frankfurt Way) eating their favorite food (Pasties).
Time zone Somewhere in 1931.
County Devon
Website http://www.plymouth.gov.uk/
Post town
Postcode
Dialling
Plymouth
PL1-9
01752

"Plymouth" (pronounced "Plimuff", sometimes suffixed with 'init') is Britain's gulag, a city invented in the year 1300 by the great, great, great, great grandmother of Sir Francis Drake, and has been used for many purposes, such as creating America, Nazi target practice, and in several areas is a portal into the 16th Century. The city is notably known for being shaped like a ship; the architecture reflects this, with notable features such as Drake Circus & the Western Morning News building being shaped like portholes. It is a little known fact that the logo for Plymouth Argyle is actually a map of Plymouth and the surrounding areas.

It's a common misconception that Plymouth was formed so that the Government of the United Kingdom could incarcerate all of the UK's Scum to one urban location. Although to the casual visitor this may appear to be the case, they are mistaken; its easy to confuse Plymouth and Rhyl, especially by the smell and by number of chavs.


History

Plymouth was first discovered in 1356 by American pilgrims on the Mayflower. They spotted it through a 2 inch temporal wormhole opened by the great Large Hadron Collider accident of 2024. Once found, it got lost again until 1588, when Sir Francis Drake took to playing marbles on Plymouth Hoe. Later that year, Drake, during a very harrowing game with Sir Francis Bacon, spotted the Spanish Armada in the English Channel. Commanding the Armada was Manuel, the avid porter for Fawlty Towers, returning from an errand. His ships laden with cheap Spanish souvenirs, stuffed donkeys, tacky sombreros| and lethal paella all destined for British shores. Drake, keeping his cool, sailed after them, sinking the majority of the fleet and chasing the rest away before returning to Plymouth for a slap-up meal at Cap'n Jaspers, personally opting for "Jasperizer" [1].

Since this time, the city has been used as a trading port, a way to escape England, and was used on several occasions by the Luftwaffe, where Hitler and Göring had a competition, similar to the modern game of Darts, only using bombs.


“Jawohl! ein Bullseye!”
on Plymouth in WWII


Plymouth, due to the large amount of French in the area, did indeed surrender to Nazi Germany in 1943. Heinrich Himmler, the first German to walk on Plymouthian soil after the surrender (Hitler was busy), immediately started the process of making Plymouth German, adding Bierhalls, Efficiency and a Civic Centre. The great cultural centre, Union street, was also renamed (the original name confused the German invaders) to the much more fitting Whoreburg.

Civic-1944

The modern Plymouth is however very different, holding several world landmarks, such as the village of Swilly, Port of Plymouth public toilets, and the headquarters of a Special Organisation, disguised as a civic centre. The area is also home of the Big Reposition, which is a massive project in which Drake Circus shopping centre will set sail from Plymouth to America, destroying Plymouth in the process, which also doubles as a plan for redeveloping the city centre.

In 2003, the city of Plymouth was purchased by Jennifer Saunders and Dawn French for a whopping £22.50, with Swilly thrown in for free. Dawn, a native of the city, is planning extensive redevelopment of Armada Way and Plymouth Hoe to include a long line of Fast Food outlets and more benches for the resident chavs. Jennifer thinks Plymouth is a hole and never visits her investment.

In 2005, the Mayor of Plymouth, Paul Skinback, issued a formal apology to the world for Plymouth's role in the formation of the United States of America. He stated that if his predecessor had realised what a bunch of pheasant pluckers the USA would become, he'd never have allowed the Mayflower to sail to the New World and would have had it sunk in Plymouth Sound while the crew and passengers were paraded on BBC Spotlight.

Citynuclear
Plymouth, used for nuclear testing in the 60s

Population & Habitat

“It's not a place for an Aesthete like me to be.”

Plymouth is populated by a variety of wildlife, from Homo Erectus Initus (English : The Common Chav), Homo Erectus Interes Bredus (English: The Common Janner) and the occasional Homo Sapien Imperialus (English: The Common Englishman). The variety of people produces the perfect conditions to interbreeding, even though this has been known to create dangerous hybrids; a condition which is commonplace in neighbouring Cornwall.

"Where do you live to?"; A cry often heard in the streets of Plymouth. Honicknowle, Whitleigh, Southway, No(rth) Prospect (Swilly) and Devonport are all desirable areas to live in the city offering exotic and luxury housing for those on a budget or state benefits. Southway Park has recently been voted number one place to be in the UK for cheap drugs and random shootings. The fondly known Southway 'rape bogs' came a close second. A new explosion of purpose-built slums have been constructed in the area and play home to chavs, scallies, absolute fools and prostitutes. Local residents are very proud of the area for this reason, and are often seen shouting their war-cry of "Southway Innit!". For the more aspirational Janner the only places to live are Woolwell or Manadon; Janner cities in their own right with their housing being decorated in various shades of Magnolia, guaranteed to be fitted throughout with cheap laminate ‘pseudo wood’ flooring, a variety of cars (all on HP, all with halogen headlamps, adorned with England flags and being driven around with their fog lights on "cuz it looks well cool innit") parked on the driveways and lovingly polished on a Sunday afternoon. The minority population of Englishmen in Plymouth can generally be found in the leafy suburbs of Derriford, Plympton and Exeter.


The typical Plymouth family unit is not unique just to the city and follows a general national pattern. It normally consists of a mother (called Shaz, Trace, Kelly, Chardonnay or Shell and generally under the age of 16). Each mother has between two to four children. Boys are typically named Wayne, Shane, Ashley, Ryan or Tyler and girls are typically named Ashleigh, Courtney, Chelsie, Keeley or Paige. Fathers are normally absent because they are either in a young offenders institute for stealing White Lightning from the local Co-op or each child has a different father and it’s a physical impossibility to get them all in the house at the same time. It is common practice in Plymouth to work out which child belongs to which father by consulting with Jeremy Kyle and then the Child Support Agency. In Honicknowle and Whitleigh, it is compulsory for secondary school children to attain more ASBOs than GCSEs. However, Children who live in Swilly are more likely to meet a fine gentleman by the name of Mugsey Grant, who is known as the super-Chav across Plymouth for filming his adventures and then posting them online so that the internet can have the privilege of viewing his scummy life and criminal ways.

Swilly
Luxury Honicknowle Housing

Industry

Plymouth is famous around the world for its Industry. The city is known for its triumphs in engineering, building many ships such as HMS Admiralty, HMS Ocean, the Mayflower and the Titanic. The area now also has a naval museum some of the famous ships it has built and repaired in the past (notably HMS Courageous and the rotting hull of the HMS Ark Royal) It is, of course, also famous for building the Plymouth automobile, which was sent to America in the hull of the Mayflower in 1267.

Unknown to most people; Plymouth is the main producer of the little red boxes used in Deal Or No Deal as well as being the sole producer of cotton gussets for Emma Bunton's panties (actually they are 80% cotton, 15% Polyester & 5% hair from orphaned Janner children) and around 90% of guests for both Maury and Jeremy Kyle. In more recent times, Plymouth has been at the centre of vaccine production for the Global Pandemic N1H1 virus after it was discovered how many nasty diseases were present in the crystal water of Plymouth Sound and crystal meth in Dance Academy. Although only rumoured, it is also believed that Plymouth produces the 'Duff-Duffs' at the beginning of Eastenders in a secret facility under North Hill known as "Rum Bar".

Plymouth is also proud of its Maritime Industry. 60% of the UK's Class A drugs are imported through Plymouth [2] and are regularly sold in the high-class institutions such as Jesters and C103. As well as this, there is also a roaring trade in illegal immigrants, which are imported into Millbay underneath lorries.

Plymouth is also home to some big companies. Fairway Furniture and Wrigley have their UK head offices based in Plymouth, while other companies such as Fortnum & Mason, Versace, Harrods and Cartier, don't.

Education

There are a couple of schools in Plymouth, but most of them are made of fish. Most Plymouthians teach themselves to read off the sides of buses while waiting at the bus stop as well as from the back of cigarette packets and graffiti. A select few of Plymouth's young people go to one of the fine grammar schools and are lucky to be able to choose between attending the University of Plymouth or getting the fuck out of the area forever. The University of Plymouth is mostly full of people getting the fuck out of Cornwall(mainly form Looe) although the University of Plymouth is generally considered to be a better option than the University of Exeter.

“Go to the University of Exeter...you having a fucking laugh? I'd sooner go to Marjon”
“The University of Exeter - At least it's not Exeter University”

Activities in Plymouth

Old drakes circus
Drake Circus, taken the day before it's grand opening in 2006

There are a variety of activities in the city of Plymouth, and the city rivals Las Vegas, Amsterdam, Bangkok and Legoland Windsor as the greatest "Sin City" of the world. Plymouth is unique in that it has no sex, drinking or drugs laws, and as such it is popular for the teenage mums of Plymouth to give their children absinthe to make sure that they grow up in the Plymouthian way while they are out doing real political work, like trying to reopen the Dance Academy nightclub and having the drug-dealing owners released from prison. Union Street is one of the most cultured areas in all of England; known worldwide for its high-end drinking institutions as well as a top attraction for any of the crews of foreign ships looking for Prostitutes.

There are other fun activities that can be enjoyed from Plymouth, such as "spot the invasion" from Plymouth Hoe, a common game where locals sit with binoculars trying to spot the fast approaching hostile battleship and then attempting to sink it with sailing boats, torpedoes, rocks, tombstoners, submarines, janners, nuclear missiles and bad weather.

DisPlym
Tribute to the Local Council

Those spending an evening in Plymouth are often recommended the quaint Jesters club for an evening’s cultured entertainment comparable with the most fashionable parts of London and Paris. [3]

If you're really at a loose end, you can try visiting Devil's Point after dark for a spot of dogging; Emma Place is popular for those wishing to try Smack; Stonehouse Street or Oxford Avenue for those who are lonely and are looking for the personal touch (£25 without gloves).

In 1999, Disney applied for planning permission to build Disneyland Plymouth on the Drake Circus site. Unfortunately, due to many objections from locals who didn't want anything to brighten up their gloomy city and felt that Mickey Mouse's image wasn't in keeping with the city's image, several lawsuits ensued. The outcome was that the planning application was rejected, although Disney did argue that a precedent had already been set, allowing other Mickey Mouse outfits to operate in the city; including (but not exclusively) the local council. Following this appeal, Disney changed the plans to what is now known as the Drake Circus Shopping Extravaganza with its world famous 'Double Escalator to the second floor' ride, along with the "3D Chav-Spotter".

Shopping in Plymouth has greatly improved since the redevelopment of Drake Circus. Arcadia, C&A and Lidl have gone and have been replaced by Primark, Poundland & Iceland. For all its sloping shiny floors, glass roof & very bizarre exterior, Drake Circus proves that you cannot polish a turd. Unfortunately, the rest of the commercial centre of Plymouth is suffering with empty units, dilapidated shop fronts, litter, tramps, crime and drugs becoming common place, which is just how the Janners like it.

Language

Please see the Janner Textbook or this site about the intricacies of the language


“Om goin' down 'Eroes lehter on, then om goin' Destinys innat.”

Visiting Plymouth

If you really have to travel to Plymouth, there are several ways to get away from the city:

Plymouth is linked to the National Rail Network and offers high speed links to London (in about 3-49 hours, depending on the frequency of replacement buses), Birmingham (when Virgin are running) and exotic cities such as Exeter and Saltash in the neighbouring country of Cornwall.
Btf
Brittany Ferries
By Sea
If you're foreign, you can sail to Plymouth on Brittany Ferries from the beautiful French metropolis of Roscoff, or the Spanish Jewel known as Santander. NB This is often mistaken by less educated Janners (approximately 99% of the population) as being the capital of Spain, a misconception that spans back to Santander's attempt to take over the local RBS branch. Many Janners will be found travelling in their fine automobiles such as the Rover 75 or 1990s BMW to Santander, in order to try and make it to Benidorm to watch the popular British Comedy show on ITV being filmed live. This mass exodus is popular with the rest of the UK, and many people will visit Devon in the 2 weeks allotted by the government whilst there are no Janners about, giving many the misconception that Plymouth is in fact a nice place.

State of the art cruise liners transport you in complete comfort on the calm seas. If the seas are not calm, it is one of the most unpleasant voyages known to man. One of Plymouth's proudest moments was when Brittany ferries introduced a new ferry, the Pont Aven, to its fleet. Many people consider this to be the Plymouth equivalent of the QE2, providing the luxury that only a ferry can offer.

Airport1
Plymouth Airport
By Air
Plymouth International Airport flies to any country you want as long as it's Cornwall or Ireland. Cosmopolitan Leeds/Bradford, Gatwick & Manchester are no longer catered for due to cutbacks. Air Southwest is considered by many to be a once-in-a-lifetime experience, with glamorous stewardesses, first-class catering and state-of-the-art aircraft, their motto is "Your journey to Plymouth is sure to be something you'll remember for a very long time."
Tjam
The A38
By Car
The M5 is considered to be one of the the most glamorous ways to travel to the city, along with the A38. Upon arriving in Plymouth, guests are often pleasantly surprised to be surrounded by boy-racers wearing white baseball caps in Vauxhall Corsas with big "'zausts", Kenwood stereos and clear plastic rear light assemblies, who enjoy treating the area to their fine taste in music. In Plymouth, penis and brain size are inversely proportional to car size. Most drivers IQ levels are less than the number of wheels on their car, in particular Citroen Saxo and Ford Escort owners.


When deciding whether or not to come to Plymouth, a simple chemical formula can be used. (Those from swilly should see ASBO version)

HAT SIZE(AGE+1931)/IQ.

As you can see, the aforementioned calculus can be simplified to: DONT.

Famous Plymothians

Ghb2
  • Dawn French
  • Sharron Davies
  • Sting's Brother
  • Charles Dance
  • Fern Britton (Fat bird from 'This Morning')
  • Gus Honeybun
  • Ian Sterling (Deceased)
  • David Owen (Molly's Brother)
  • Barack Obama
  • Peter Helm
  • Michael Foot
  • Cherie Blair
  • Joss Stone
  • Francis Drake
  • Enrique Inglesias
  • This Guy
  • Codfangler
  • Grace Short (That bitch from Big Brother, ye you know the one, the complete bitch)
  • Rachael Smith
  • Mugsey Grant
  • Man off Aviva advert
  • The girl off of the BBC test card

References

Sophie Sloman

External Links

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