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The State of the Union address is a method of compressing partisan lies into an hour-or-two-long speech (or -three, in the case of Bill Clinton).
The annual speech tells Congress and the entire United States what The President thinks. It is received in a room full of crusty and aging legislators who long ago lost their souls and have no lodestar except the desire to:
- Bask in the reflected glory of the President's presence, and
- Have all their impressionable constituents watch them doing so and thereby get the impression they have a fraction of the President's charisma.
Federal law provides that, in addition to his annual salary of $400,000, the President gets one evening a year in a chamber where a crowd of fawning wannabes will deliriously applaud him for saying nothing of substance, and where everyone in the country can see that they did. This is not just a fringe benefit for the President, but reassures even the most incompetent American citizen that his poorest and most meaningless work might have someone welcome it, by virtue of the welcomer being even worse — or might lead to a lifetime sinecure, if he can simply find a boss who is eager to be surrounded by suck-ups.
Article II, Section 3 of the U.S. Constitution tasks the President to "from time to time give to the Congress information of the state of the Union, to recommend to their Consideration such Measures as he shall judge necessary and expedient, or failing that, to advise the same as to how far to bend over."
It is a perennial mystery
to Constitutional scholars
why the small document that set out three co-equal branches contains this loophole directing two of them to kiss the butt
of one of them every year.. (more...)
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September 20: Sexual Innuendo Day, Sophia's Birthday, International Talk Like A Landlubber Day
- 20,000,000 BC Formation of the Amazon Rainforest, a warm, wet, lush, dripping virgin jungle.
- 19,999,999 BC Amazon Rainforest loses its virginity.
- 30,000 BC Oonak of the Tribe of the Wolf tells Nooma of the People of the Lake that he's got a big, thick woody club back in his cave that he'd love to show her, inventing sexual innuendo.
- 1187 - Saladin begins a siege on Jerusalem, hoping he can create a crevice in the walls and then forcefully insert his troops.
- 1519 - Ferdinand Magellan sets sail from Sanlúcar de Barrameda on a long, hard, drawn out expedition to circumnavigate the globe, with about 270 seamen.
- 1815 - First railroad tunnel finishes construction.
- 1837 - Rugby is invented. It is a game played by burly men with odd-shaped balls.
- 1920 - Strawberry ice cream invented. Strong sales are seen for this soft, wet, pink dessert.
- 1930 - Workers struggle to erect the mighty tower of the Empire State Building.
- 1934 - Sophia Loren born.
- 1939 - Second World War declared. Churchill states in his first War-time speech: "We're going to be up against stiff opposition, and what we as a nation will experience in the coming months is going to be long and hard."
- 1940- First printing of "Biggles Goes Down".
- 1940 - Allies get access to Japanese military intelligence after the Japanese "Purple" code is decrypted by Genevieve Grotjan, a cunning linguist.
- 1941 - After two years of war, the British Royal Air Force choose between naming their planes "the spit-fire" or "the swallow-water."
- 1942 - Werner Von Braun continues work perfecting the V-2 rocket. The V-2 is designed to burn ethanol and liquid oxygen, causing exhaust to spurt out of the nozzle, generating prolonged, forceful thrust.
- 1957 - Popsicles, lollipops, bananas and cucumbers are invented.
- 1960 - Oil mining in Alberta, Canada goes wrong, causing the rig to get stuck pumping farther and farther into the hole while the rich liquid spewed out.
- 1965 - Wham-O's Superball is introduced and becomes a runaway hit, because people love to play with balls.
- 1993 - Foundations laid for the Three Gorges Dam.
- 2005 - Israel pulls out of Palestine.
- 2006 - Work continues on the Tautona gold mine in South Africa. Extending three miles underground, this mine holds the record for the world's longest shaft. Plans are being drawn up to plunge the shaft still deeper into the womb of the earth.
- 2006 - President Bush's attempts to quell the violence in Iraq prove impotent, making his presidency look increasingly limp and flaccid. He insists this is the "first time this has happened to me".
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- ...that cats only pretend not to like to swim?
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Exclusive PLUS member of the Month!!!
GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia!
Seriously, we love you.
Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor.
Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many
months years to come!
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