PlayStation Portable

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PSPlogoHR

PSP Logo

PSP DDR

The PSP playing Dance Dance Revolution Extreme Max Portable Remix

The PlayStation Portable (PSP, also known as PornStation Portable) is a Sony handheld system created by slaves working for the same jealous people who made the Virtual Boy. It is famously known for having one screen rather than two, which many people are thankful for as the Nintendo DS fucks with their mind.

UMD

PSP - soldiers

Soldiers attempting to hack into the enemy's Porn Network using Wifi.

The PlayStation Portable uses UMD (Utility of Mass Destruction) type discs rather than cartridges (no exciting acronym here). They hold up to 1 hour of good gameplay, therefore, longer games start to decline in quality until you don't want to play them anymore.

History

In 1976, an event known as the "Hacker Sacking" occurred. Twelve Japanese soldiers, busy breaking into an American network in hope of finding pornography, were ambushed and taken back to an American base hidden in sacks; the Japanese soldiers were unable to defend themselves whilst using their PSPs. The Japanese government decided that anyone busy operating a PSP would have to have some chance of defending themselves. A team of researchers came up with the idea for the UMD: when a small catch on the front of the PSP was released, a small but effective nuclear disk was launched out towards the target. The blast from the disk was strong enough to take down two tanks within close proximity or fifty soldiers.

Monkey psp

A Sony executive demonstrates the features of the PSP.

The effectiveness of the UMD was questioned in 1984, after a number of Japanese soldiers had been among the fatalities of their own UMD's. In recent years, UMD's have apparently been re-marketed in a number of Eastern European countries as an effective, low cost, drain unclogger.

"Universal" Media Disc

"Universal Media Disc" is another backronym for UMD. This term refers to the fact that the UMD will only run on the PSP and will universally be useless for any other machine, player, or console. Sony views this as a personal accomplishment, and laughs at those who do not see it their way.

Firmware Upgrades

A source of much annoyance among the home brew software development community is the regular firmware upgrades released by Sony which disables third-party code running on the PSP. Updates are forcibly administered by swarms of Sony branded nanites; failure to comply with the nanites intentions usually ends with them reassembling your entire molecular structure into a particularly pungent variety of French cheese.

However, the actual reason for these upgrades is to mask the fact that the PSP is actually built upon the obsolete hardware of a hyper-intelligent 5th generation Japanese toaster oven. To prove this claim, simply insert a urine drenched swab into the PSP's USB socket. The unit will, as any reputable Japanese home appliance does, issue a detailed report on your physical health including blood sugar, cholesterol, and lead-based paint consumption levels.

Important Upgrades

  • ∞.00 (Dec. 17, 2011): Turns your PSP into a PlayStation Vita.
  • ✌.00 (Aug. 13, 2009): Fixes a critical bug in the Matrix.
  • ✞.00 (May 21, 2007): The "Jesus Update" which enables your PSP to go to heaven.
  • 6.66 (June 6, 2006): Gives your PSP the ability to have wifi anywhere, even in hell. It may randomly shoot fireballs in any direction though.

Price

Play Station Portable White is coming

Sony is not afraid to use shock-tactics to secure itself a white supremacist customer base.

The PSP "Value Pack" was originally released in the United States with a price tag of an arm, a leg, and your left testicle. It is important to note that in Japan it was sold for the greatly reduced price of an arm, a leg, and half of your left testicle. Recently, Sony released a bundle package, the "Giga Pack". The main difference is that a Memory Stick™ with enough memory to actually be useful was added (due to high demand on more space for more porn), and the price was increased to your first-born child.

In Spring 2007, the PSP "Tera Pack" was released, giving the PSP a terabyte of memory. Although this memory was very useful, the cost of the package was your Mother's Ovary, plus one half of your father's testicle or, if you wanted to, you could give both, and half a pint of virgin's blood.

In late Spring 2007, the PSP's price was cut to your ENTIRE reproductive system. Women could keep half a boob.

To the relief of many, Sony acknowledged the existence of money in 2008. Since then, the price of the PSP has been $2500. Retailers usually lower that price though in order to actually sell PSP's.

Peripherals

LocationFree Booker T

The LocationFree Booker T was introduced to make use out of the terrible, expensive feature that was the LocationFree Player. It used USB-A to Mini-B cables and a standard toaster. It used a new Bread Format, UMB Universal Media Bread to much annoyance, as the DVB Dynamic Video Bread Bread Format was the leading bread format used in all toasters. The LocationFree Booker T also made very good Pop-Tarts and Eggos.

List of Games

Top Sellers

  • Monster Hunter Portable
  • Monster Hunter Portable 2
  • Monster Hunter Portable 2G
  • Monster Hunter Portable 3
  • Monster Hunter Portable 3G

Other Games

Rumors

Before Sony unveiled the PSP Go, rumors surfaced that the next PSP model was to be called PSP STOP! It was supposed to sport -6GB of external memory and the relatively unknown Yellowtooth technology for wireless data transfer. All of this turned out to be untrue but was still believed by everyone as the counter rumor said that it was not going to have an UMD drive, a much crazier prediction. The PSP Go turned out to be the latter and was thus an utter failure.


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