Platypus attack

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“It'll never fucking work!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Platypus Attack
“Curse you, Perry the Platypus!”
~ Doofenshmirtz upon being attacked by a platypus.
Platypus1

It looks so innocent doesn't it? In the hands of an expert its deadly (pictured in its correct orientation when viewed from the northern hemisphere)[1]

Undoubtedly one of the most dreaded offensive weapons developed in Australia prior to the arrival of Europeans.

edit Method of Attack

Warriors would fling platypi, held by the beak, at the opposing army. As the Platypi would fly towards the enemy, it was hoped that the poison barb on their back feet would find a target in the melee of opposing warriors.

Prior to battle, the platypi would be readied for the fight by storing them in cages and trying to make backpacks out of them. This would often put them in quite an irritable mindset. It also resulted, in more peaceful times, in the creation of a backpack industry among indigenous Australians, it's believed the hordes of backpackers that visit Australia are pilgrims paying homage to this ancestral tradition.

edit Other Uses

If pressed, warriors could also use the beak as a tiny little shield.

edit Etymology

Platitude (noun)

Definition: "An empty, unoriginal or redundant comment, especially one made as though it were important."

Origin: Derived from the corruption of "platypus" and "attitude". Historically, the threat of a platipus attack was not deemed a serious concern, since such an animal (let alone weapon) seemed somewhat unlikely in the eyes of Northern Hemisphereans. As a result, reports of 'platypus attitude' were derided and treated with misguided condescension. 'Platitude' was swiftly accepted in general parlance to typify such a pointless and tiresome distraction. Naturally, visitors to Australia soon learned how wrong this naive dismissal was - the searing pain of a poisoned barb entering the elbow soon corrected this erroneous nonchalance.

edit Training Weapons

Only the male version has pointy leg barbs, therefore the female platypus is perfect for 'dress rehearsals' and weapons training without those dreaded 'friendly fire/barbing" incidents. Children may play with female platypi quite safely, the broad beak only administers a soft nip - enough to teach youngsters due respect but without causing loss of fingers or knees.

Alternatively, if no females are available (for example they may be shopping, having a headache or being made into a backpack) the barbs can be carefully removed from the males. This delicate operation is performed by a specialist 'barber'.

edit See Also

edit References

  1. Flee! Flee!
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