Those plastic things at the end of your shoelace

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Those plastic things at the end of your shoelace are staring at me again.

I know, I know! that you say they can't stare, but the little round parts at the very tip are their eyes.

Eyes I Tell You!

They make that clickity sound when you don't have them restrained properly. They flop about and plot our deaths. I taught you both ways to tie them up but you steadfastly refuse to do the "bunny around the tree" method, and suck at the other one... you've doomed us. Doomed us all. All to hell.

Why can't you keep them secured? Security! Security in our hearts knowing that   WE   WOULD   BE   SAFE!

You're so retarded about this you should wear Velcro. Or loafers. Or aqua socks. Or Vibram five fingers. Or flip flops. Or slippers. Or socks only. Or go barefoot.

Those plastic shoelace things are looking again!

Oh, you bastard! How dare you patronize me with your uppity, book-learned, snobbery, telling me those things are called "aglets" and serve "to prevent the lace ends from fraying." Fraying?!? I'm afraid that you're an ass-clown for even bringing that up, captain college.

I know that the ends of your laces were called aglets before those things replaced them; with their mind-controlling ways and slovenly morals.

Oh-ho ho! not "mind-controlling" you say? Then how do you explain last week when you walked   all   the   way   to   the   supermarket? Nobody walks to the store in America anymore!   No one!   No one even walks unless they're "exercising"   Exercising because they haven't walked in ....

Oh my Gosh!

That's it isn't it?!? they've come to stop us from just "walking around" which lowers our health and immunity to disease; diseases which they'll induce to weaken and subsume humanity!   Weaken us so that they may

Blood Spatter
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Aglet.
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This article was chosen as the Best Miscellaneous-related Article in the 2010 The Article Whisperer writing competition.
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