Plastic spoons

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search

edit Genesis

PlasticSpoons
Plastic spoons
The plastic spoon, a type of spoon made for ramming violently down your asspipe and then scooping out your magma shit, was invented by Leonardo Da Vinci. Posts in Da Vinci's LiveJournal indicate that he first conceived of the idea when he was 23, but this was before LiveJournal had dates attached to posts, so the exact date is difficult to determine. While brilliant in design, the idea never really caught on due to the fact that most of society in those days thought that Da Vinci was a nutter. After his death, the Catholic church, which had tried him for heresy and fishmongering, made attempts to conceal or destroy all documents associated with the plastic spoon concept, and nearly succeeded in erasing the concept from history.

edit Exodus

In 1863, however, Mexican explorers Alejandro Garcia & Miguel Cortez were visiting relatives in Spain, and happened to befriend a local minstrel, who shared with them a traditional Latin folk song called "Scaphium Quod Tracto". They couldn't understand a word of it, but implored the minstrel to write down the lyrics so he could share it with his friends back home, which he did. 2 years later, Ortega was discussing culture and beet recipes with a university professor, Pablo Marin, when the subject of dead tongues and folk songs came up. Ortega asked Marin to translate the folk song, and the translation reads, roughly:

Plastic spoons are, like, the best
To use when one is smoking God's leaves
For they need not be cleaned, simply discarded
And they make little noise when dropped on the ground

Since neither had heard of plastic spoons before, yet this song was allegedly very popular in Spain, they knew they had discovered something of historical significance. Marin obtained a research grant from the Mexican government, and the pair began their quest. Over the next 6 years, the two travelled to 17 different countries following clues and leads. In 1871, they followed a lead to a cave in Botswana, where they found a map engraved on a stone tablet. The local guide told them that 3 men had died attempting to follow the map, and each time it was returned to the cave. Marin realized instantly that the previous adventurers had been looking at the map upside down, and later that day they dug up a jar with 4 pieces of parchment inside. They turned out to be Da Vinci's original hand-written notes and diagrams for the plastic spoon design. No information could be found to explain how the papers escaped the actions of the church, or how the jar ended up in Botswana.

They carefully returned the notes to the jar, resealed it, and sent it ahead of them to Ortega's home in Mexico. The pair, however, died in an elephant stampede before they could return, and Ortega's family left the jar unopened and put it in a safe.

edit Deuteronomy

There are a number of rules which must be followed when using plastic spoons, lest you find yourself smote by his noodly appendage.

  • Never use two spoons for the same pudding, as this is an abomination. Use instead a spoon and a chainsaw.
  • Do not drop the spoon on the floor before eating your pudding, or you and your pudding will be eaten by a grue.
  • Do not feed a horse with the use of a plastic spoon. Many experts now believe this was a major factor in the Chernobyl incident.

edit Revelation

It remained untouched until 1943, when Ortega's great-great-grandson Marcus Valdez discovered the jar, and decided to revive the legacy begun by Da Vinci and continued by Ortega. He therefore sold the jar and its contents to duPont for an undisclosed sum, and died penniless in 1956, having spent his fortune betting on cock fights.

duPont's patent on the design was not iron-clad, and now countless companies all over the globe legally and cheaply produce plastic spoons, much to the delight of stoners and school teachers everywhere.

edit Apocrypha

Some history textbooks offer the following modernized translation of "Scaphium Quod Tracto", which is considered very inaccurate, but more easily understood by younger students:

Plastic spoons are the best way to eat pudding when you're stoned
Because if you drop one it doesn't make much noise
And also because you can throw it out when you're done
Instead of having to worry about washing it later

edit See also

Personal tools
projects