Would you like to learn more about abortions? (You would, wouldn't you?)
At Planned Parenthood, our goal is to provide you with quality free abortions, and a month's worth of condoms, at a reasonable price. We unconditionally guarantee every free abortion we give away for the full amount of purchase! If you're not satisfied, well, there's not too much we can do after the fact. It's sorta irreversible. Here, have some more condoms. These glow in the dark. And hey, no questions asked! And if anyone ever asks, you were never here!
How can we do it?
Our super-efficient Vac-A-Bort is located in the heart of our high-tech facilities, well within your city limits. Nobody franchises abortions like the 'Hood. Consisting of three unregistered nurses and a small Croatian doctor, each Planned Parenthood can ship up to five fetuses per day directly to a stem cell research facility! Many shipments even include pieces of other shipments! And if anyone ever asks, you were never here!
Our customers agree!
"This company performs abortions for the customer directly.... no need to mess around with a middleman... the government is more than happy to have this company give out free abortions, I received one myself - it worked a treat! I went back to stripping the very next day! No complaints from me!" - Velvet, US
"I picked up all the birth control I could carry, yet only spent $7 bucks and the humiliation of seeing my neighbor Cheryl going in as I was leaving. She already thought I was a slut, so seeing me emerge from the Planned Parenthood with five shopping bags overflowing with sponges, dental dams, flavored condoms and enough Plan B pills to wipe out the next generation of African elephants didn't exactly change her opinion. I also fucked her husband, so there's that." - Miss Bonnie Stunts, USA
"I got mine just before Christmas.....my friends love what it's done for my figure....I can't rate it high enough" - Mhaille, Liverpool
"FAST JIT?! THAT FUCKER IMPREGNATED ME IN LESS THAN TWELVE PARSECS! Boooooooooo!" - Leia, That's No Moon
"That Vac-A-Bort technology is amazing! So quick and easy, my housekeeper, Lupe, could have done it." - A Girl Named Stu, Iowa
"With super-saver snipping I was able to get my free abortion from Planned Parenthood within the first trimester, and it only cost two weeks of allowances! But still, I thought they were shaped more like, you know, tadpoles? Anyway, the nice lady there said I made the right decision. And my 8th grade teachers all agree." - name withheld
"When I received my free abortion, I entered the facility with excitement, mixed with fear. The fear, indeed, stemmed from the collection of screaming protestors trying to block the way in. But the terror, that was different. I imagined that deep within the depths of my previously-uninhabited womb there lurked an unspeakably ancient evil whose nightmarish malevolence spanned the boundaries of time and space, to reach into my mind, my very soul, and plunge my existence into irretrievable, hellish blackness! A piercing, mind-numbing cold gripped my heart as they extracted the horrid, malignant contents and laid them before me on the examination table... It was then that I realized that it was actually... that movie Rosemary's Baby I was thinking of. Shit." - H.P. Lovesauce, Bangor, Maine, USA
"The first thing I did after my new free abortion was a complete dance montage to my favorite playlist ever, "I Want A New Drug" by Huey Lewis and the News, "A Little Respect" by Erasure, "Don't Dream It's Over" by Crowded House, "Total Eclipse of the Heart" by Bonnie Tyler, "Never Tear Us Apart" by INXS, "Should I Stay or Should I Go" by The Clash and "Just the Two of Us" by Bill Withers. Yeah, I'm stuck in the eighties... what of it?" - Brianna Q. Bert, New York, NY, USA
"If Planned Parenthood didn't exist, it would be necessary to do that whole back-alley, coat hanger thing. And you wouldn't want that, would you?" - Gabby du Châtelet, Paris, France
"I would've asked about it, but I was never there!" - Rodriguez, Detroit, Michigan
"This new free (sort of) abortion reminds me of 2001: A Space Odyssey... remember that one part? The crazy computer shot that guy into space and then he went to dinner? I don't know — there were some lights and stuff before that, I think. But then that space baby was aborted from Jupiter. Or maybe it was the mission that was aborted. No, I'm pretty sure it was the space baby. I don't know, I wasn't really that into it. Point being, space is a vacuum. Vacuum. Think about that." ~ F.K. Curtain, Swindon, UK
"My God, this article totally sucks, too." - A Random User, Uncycloland, Earth
"Planned Parenthood is awesome! All I had to do was show them two forms of I.D. and a parental consent form, and I got an abortion for free! Thanks Planned Parenthood, you guys are the greatest! - Immy, Amakeshiftleantoonthesaltmarshes, NJ, USA
*Testimonials are not sporked. Who am I kidding..? This whole article is!**
***Well, I did photoshop a picture.****
****Yeah, but was it good?
*****If by good you mean that I have doomed my immortal spirit to the depths of Hell by 'chopping it, then "Shit, yeah!" it's good.
******I'd say that, disregarding the status of your eternal accommodations, it is mildly pedestrian at best.
Please note that this offer does not apply in most of Africa, all of South America, the upper west side of Malaysia, Pangea, BP-land, Uranus, Middle Earth, or Texas. (Texas has stringent stipulations that prevent abortions, except in the rarest and most severe of situations. However, once you are popped out of the womb, they won't think twice to put your ass down. That's the sanctity of life.)
Pleased to note you that the government is not actually giving away abortions or condoms. It is you, the taxpayer, who does that. Does that boil your poodle? To think, you just paid for that escort's ninth abortion this year and supplied enough prophylactics for a million couples to perform the latex lambada. And the gays! They're having protected sex, now! Leave it to them to circumvent AIDS. You know, this country has really gone to the dogs. Why can't my taxes just cover the stuff that matters? How will we ever keep stockpiling nuclear armaments and spreading democracy to all the unfortunate and ugly people of the world if we've gotta keep throwing money at abortions and public school textbooks? It really is ridiculous.
Please can't stop noting now that Planned Parenthood does not provide any warranties or other asssurances whatsoever that your once-happy community will not be severely and perhaps irrevocably affected by pointless, petty, nasty, mean-spirited, ugly, emotionally disturbing, vulgar, hateful, divisive, insane, (did we mention "petty" yet?) stupid, incoherent, malicious, cheap, narrow-minded, pusillanimous, despicable, incomprehensible, and seriously gay ad hominem personal attacks regarding the dissemination of information about Planned Parenthood.
Please remember to not note that if you read this article, or even so much as glance at it, you will be blocked from being openly received into the folds of Heaven for indefinitely. During that time, you may go to Hell, or West Heck even, which is surprisingly much more pleasant than imagined. Play with your pet Hitler, have wild sex with your spouse or "someone else's," bake a pie without need of a convection oven, ride the backs of winged demons to that damned hipster hangout, Pandemonium, a nightclub renowned for their "spicy empanadas" and "hatefuck-fueled fantasies of unholy mass copulations around every corner", dive into a pool of molten lava (well, duh), watch yet another tedious episode of Soap beside Robert Guillaume, or even edit Purgatopedia. The purpose of this eternal damnation is to allow Jehovah to teabag your soul, in order to demonstrate His superiority over you at the task of maintaining the appropriate level of sycophancy. If you should be stupid enough to question His almighty judgement, you will probably just be huffed from existence, which would be a shame, really, because Nixon's orgy is tonight and there's a buzz that Satan is bringing the poppers. So just chill the fuck out and enjoy your eternity, lest your energy just return to the void from whence it came and your consciousness fades into the ether. And what fun is being dead if you can't even bitch about it? Should you remain stupid enough to complain after being so thoroughly warned against being stupid enough to complain, you will, in all likelihood, grow to realize that the whole thing was just a sort of long-running, international pyramid scheme preying upon basic mammalian physiological imperatives in the quest for fat cash stacks and thought control. At that point, you might as well just embrace nothingness and be done with the whole thing.