Captain Planet and the Planeteers

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Redirected from Planeteers
Jump to: navigation, search
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Captain Planet and the Planeteers.
“The Planeteers exhibit remarkable levels of security awareness when engaged in criminal activity, and are typically very knowledgeable of law enforcement techniques. They are to be considered armed at all times with elemental magic rings and are extremely dangerous. Do not attempt to apprehend these individuals until back up has arrived.”
~ FBI's most wanted poster.

Consisting of four illegal immigrants who join hands with a scraggly looking Brooklynite to summon "tree name" Captain Planet; recently the Planeteers have received paramilitary equipment and training in the middle east after joining the League of Shadows, where they acted as Ra's al Ghul's (رأس شيطان) assassins to bring about the violent end of the industrial age. Remember kids, eco-terrorism is for bad guys.

edit The Equipment

edit Inefficient Oil Powered Jet

Despite the fact that it only worked during the day, the solar powered jet was the Planeteers main method of globetrotting. The pollution free vehicle was invented by a young Al Gore in 1977, and is said to be part of his pre-work on the internet. It remained locked up in his parents garage to avoid drawing the ire of auto manufacturers, until the early eighties when it was swallowed by the earth (along with Mr. and Mrs. Gore). Whexzzvxzn Giah (AKA Mother Earth) was cleaning out her basement she found it and decided to give it to the Planeteers to screw with the FAA's tracking abilities.

The planeteers were renowned to be very protective of their jet. To the extent that when they were approached by leading[aerospace companies about being able to research the design for mass production they declared all aerospace research to be abandoning the earth to ecocide and that the human race must limit themselves to half a billion or face earth's wrath. Because they only traveled during the day (and thus had to do all planet saving by night) some have speculated that the Planeteers are, in fact, vampires.

edit Special Feature: Where Are They Now?

edit Wheeler

Following a major conflagration in Brooklyn, police discovered a disoriented naked Wheeler wandering the streets. Taken into custody, forensics experts discovered traces of gasoline and other chemical accelerates in his hair and underneath his fingernails. FBI child psychologists theorize that when he lost the ring of fire, Wheeler's pyromaniac tendencies and drive for animal rights had no socially acceptable outlet, leading him to laboratory arson. His criminal actions "rescued" over 150 experimental GMO species into the environment resulting in widespread extinctions, soil erosion and wild fires due to swarms of invasive Pikachus.

edit Linka

Returning to Russia, Linka became a journalist to expose corruption in the Putin government, coincidentally around the same time as her near fatal polonium poisoning. She maintains close ties to Iran, Iraq and Syria which supply her with military surplus chemical weapons to avoid nosy UN weapons inspectors like Robin. She is also a high ranking member of the Russian mafia, using a nuclear bomb for a negotiation table. Linka cleans up poisonous industrial smog and carbon emissions only to recycle and sequester them for use in executing businessmen aboard the airliners she hijacks.

edit Kwame

Kwame, "The mole", able to control the rocks that form the Earth itself; he recently went to work for the DeBeers diamond cartel. He has allegedly 'moved on' from his earlier environmental beliefs, now stating that "business, money, stock markets, the environment and the slave trade should be able to co-exist." He is believed to have an army of fanatically religious child soldiers used to secure conflict mineral mines in the Congo as bases of operation for GAEA. Kwame is the prison director for The Demons Head and his most trusted lieutenant, managing the organizations underground black site jails, Lazarus pits and rocket tunnel networks across the world.

edit Gi

Gi has been in the press lately, after allegedly attempting to seduce and asphyxiate Aquaman with a plastic bag; and inject his blood with acid. Her plot to drug the water supply of Gotham with Joker venom in retaliation for the rise of pharmaceutical mutated fish was thwarted by Batgirl. Interpol agents lost Gi in Hong Kong; though a string of unexplained shipping disasters in Singapore bear her signature. She is known to use sonar to deafen the crews of naval vessels like they were whales, and impresses them into service against their own countries.

edit Mai-ti

Mai-ti was originally depressed at having the worst power of the group, until he discovered it's true potential after watching Death Note. Utilizing this power he took over 80% of South America's drug making them LOVE him. He now spends his days getting his enemies to dig their own graves and bury themselves alive; they do his every bidding with just a wave of his ring. Mai-ti ensures the virus known as man never reach the heart of the rain forests, where the medicines that would allow him to forever spread like a cancer on his mother earth, grow and crawl in secret, known only to GAEA and the Parliament of Trees.

edit Daily life of a Planeteer

The duties of a planeteer includes:


Captain Planet gave humanity the ultimatum to pick up all it's trash, or he would make it rain down from the heavens as fire and brimstone.

  1. Attending boring meetings on pollution in hopes of convincing politicians of strengthening pollution laws. Organized by Al Gore.
  2. Mowing the lawn on Hope Island. Cleaning Gaia's house. Washing Gaia's clothing. Changing the channel on Gaia's TV when she asks. Hey, you weren't expecting the spirit of the earth to not enjoy her position just a bit?
  3. Breaking the fingers of greedy American CEOs who pollute the environment and telling them they better clean up their act before the next "visit". Beheading them live on the internet if they don't change.
  4. Planting thermite charges at oil rigs, genetics laboratories, Mako reactors, and land developments.
  5. Picking up trash.

edit See also

Personal tools