Captain Planet and the Planeteers

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Captain Planet and the Planeteers.
“I'm a planeteer, you can be one too!”
~ Oscar Wilde on The right thing to do
“God shoot me.”
~ The Nostalgia Critic on Captain Planet & the Planeteers

Several illegal immigrants who join powers with a scraggly looking Brooklynite to summon Captain Planet.

Ecoterrorism is bad, kids. Give a hoot, vote Ralph Nader.

edit The Equipment

edit Inefficient Oil Powered Jet

Despite the fact that it only worked during the day, the solar powered jet was the Planeteers main method of globetrotting. The pollution free vehicle was invented by a young Al Gore in 1977, and is said to be part of his pre-work on the internet. It remained locked up in his parents garage until the early eighties when it was swallowed by the earth (along with Mr. and Mrs. Gore). Whexzzvxzn Giah (AKA Mother Earth)was cleaning out her basement she found it and decided to give it to the planeteers along with some other crap, she wanted to get rid of.

The planeteers were renowned to be very protective of their jet. To the extent that when they were approached by leading aerospace companies about being able to research the design for mass production they declared all aerospace research to be ecoterrorism.

Because they only traveled during the day (and thus had to do all planet saving by night) some have speculated that the planeteers are, in fact, vampires.

edit Special Feature: Where Are They Now?

edit Wheeler

Following a major conflagaration in Brooklyn, police discovered a disoriented Wheeler wandering the streets. Taken into custody, forensics experts discovered gasoline and other chemical accelerants soaked into his clothes. Police psychologists theorise that when he lost the Power of Fire, Wheeler's pyromaniac tendencies had no socially acceptable outlet. He was subsequently sentenced to a prison for the criminally insane until such time as he is deemed cured.

edit Linka

Returning to Russia, Linka became a journalist. Her most recent scoop was a major expose on corruption in the Putin government. Her current whereabouts are unknown. A known Communist.

edit Kwame

CEOMorgan

"Arsenic dumping is good for the environment"

Able to control the rocks that form the Earth itself, Kwame went to work for the DeBeers diamond cartel. He recently purchased New Zealand.

He has, as he puts it, 'moved on' from his earlier environmental beliefs, now stating that 'business, money, stock markets, the environment and the slave trade should be able to co-exist'. He recently took on the role as mediator in a dispute between Captain Planet and the eco-supervillains as to whether the Grand Canyon should be turned into a toxic waste dump, saying that 'both sides make a good case'.

He has also launched a range of self-help books aimed at the management sector, including The Power is Mine! How to Planeteer yourself to the Top and You too can Achieve, Even if you Don't Have a Magical Ring.

Due to excessive wanking on Kwame's part during his entire life, not only was he blinded, but so were his children and grandchildren as a result. One of his descendants ends up working on the starship Enterprise as a blind engineer.

edit Gi

Has been in the press lately, after allegedly punching out Aquaman in a drunken brawl outside an LA nightclub. Gossip collumnists claim that this is part of a "pattern of abuse" against crapulent superheroes, and that there is some evidence that she has also attacked Rom, Space Knight, Roger Ramjet, Hoppy, the Marvel Bunny and the Ben Afleck version of Daredevil. When questioned by reporters as to why his former sidekick might harbour an obsessive hatred of minor superheroes, the Captain was unavailable for comment. His agent cited "solar whores" as the reason.

edit Mai-ti

Was originally depressed at having the worst power of the group, until he discovered it's true potential. He could communicate with any living creature. Utilizing this power he took over 80% of South America's drug cartels... BY making them LOVE him.

He now spends his days knee deep in coke and whores, that do his every bidding with just a wave of his ring..

His monkey is dead... Nobody cared about that little shit anyways.

edit Daily life of a Planeteer

The duties of a planeteer includes:

  1. Attending boring meetings on pollution in hopes of convincing politicians of strengthening pollution laws. Organized by Al Gore.
  2. Mowing the lawn on Hope Island. Cleaning Gaia's house. Washing Gaia's clothing. Changing the channel on Gaia's TV when she asks. Hey, you weren't expecting the spirit of the earth to do any of this lame stuff were you?
  3. Breaking the fingers of greedy American CEOs who pollute the environment and telling them they better clean up their act before the next "visit". Lynching them if they don't change.
  4. Recently Planeteers have been seen with Al Gore wearing red capes chasing a creature called Man-Bear-Pig. To date, no further information is available to the public except in Al Gore's own statements that he's "Super Serial"

edit See also

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