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| This article or section contains information about an unreleased video game.|
The content may change dramatically and theatrically as more misinformation becomes available. In the meantime, please add baseless speculation and nonsense to this article.
|Release date(s)||July 31, 2018|
|Genre(s)||Beat 'em up|
|Distributor||Your local paperboy|
Pizza is a video game scheduled to be released in 2018 for the Wheee! system. The game's developers have described the project as "pugnacious, pugnacious, and pugnacious, but nonetheless pugnacious", trying to keep the game as new as possible while maintaining veritas vos liberabit design.
The game centers around a main protagonist, an everyday pizza delivery boy. Unbeknownest to his employers, family, friends, and eHarmony profile, he secretly keeps a red-hot rage hidden just beneath his fragile surface. Finally, his murderous personality bursts through when he drops thirteen extra-cheese pizzas and he leaves his job behind to devote his life to terrorizing the masses.
Most of the play of the game revolves around the main character, known only as Pizza Guy. His weapons are mostly pizza-related, ranging from the typical pizza cutter to the cleverly developed extra-cheese gooey pizza bomb to the twirling dough of death. His ultimate move is the vending machine tip-over, which can decapitate any enemy unlucky enough to be underneath one.
Using a revolutionary new game input system, players will be able to kill using any of Pizza Guy's 4,633 moves. Thanks to teknowlogies™, the player can jab a knife into one man's heart while simultaneously ripping another foe's fingernails out and kicking a third in the nadgers.
The sheer amount of blood involved in Pizza required several months to develop a rendering system for. To accurately depict the sight of blood in all possible situations, game designers went out on what they called an "educational murdering spree".
They captured every trickle, gush, and drop on film, and were caught and sentenced to the death penalty soon afterwards. These martyrs for the realm of game design supplied priceless information for the designers that came after.
Much attention was paid to detail. "We wouldn't rest," said one graphics artist, "until every last piece of pepperoni was in place, every crumb of crust was rendered, and every slice was coated in sauce." According to rumor, in some screenshots of the game, a CGI camera can be seen reflected in Pizza Guy's eyes. According to some other people, everything in the game is animated realistically, down to hair lice.
Parents have been in an uproar for a good while now, some of which has been directed towards Pizza. Most criticisms focus on how unrealistic the game is and how it gives little tykes the wrong idea of the world.
"Our children are growing up in a world filled with terrorists, suicide bombers, rapists and murderers," says one concerned mother. "You'd think if anything should reflect that, it would be video games. The amount of blood and gore in this Pizza game is appalling. There's no need to sugar-coat life for the young. My kids are growing up, thinking the world is filled with purple singing dinosaurs and things with antennae on their heads. If you're going to make a video game, at least make it realistic. I demand more violence to prepare the next generation of world leaders!"
Protesters got their demand when thousands pro-violence activists rallied in front of a game studio. The entirety of the crowd was nuked in the single most efficient example of crowd control in history.
Effect on pizza industry
Advertising for Pizza, according to statistics, has caused an increase in pizza-related blogs. Some have attempted to link the game with an increase in the popularity of pizza, but discovered that pizza's popularity is always equal to one.
Goals of the game
A miracle of modern gaming, Pizza will revolutionize the gaming industry and disturb little children forever. Technology has never gone so far to produce such quality entertainment for the whole family.
"We took an ordinary, everyday object, and turned it into a massive, deadly weapon," said one developer. "We're quite proud of that. Our goal is, when you're finished with Pizza — that is, when you've collected all the weapons, finished all the levels, gotten all the skill points, hacked into the secret areas, and used all the codes, that's about two years of your life right there — you'll never look at a pie with pepperoni the same way again."
Pizza has made great leaps and bounds in gameplay, rendering, and even anti-piracy. When attempting to illegally download an alpha version of the game, a virus infects the computer and continually makes calls to pizza places around the globe, charging you for every order and phone call.
Nintendo could not be reached for comment, but they could be heard kicking the door in frustration.You know who else liked pizza... HITLER!!!