Pizza
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Pizza is the best. It was originally the name of a square pie found throughout the ancient world. It was well known in those times that "pie are square". However, the Ancient Roman Dubious Flatulus, in trying to mathematically work out the area of a circle, and thus discover the value of pi, invented a round pizza. Thus began the "pie are round" vs. "pie are square" controversy which rages to this day. The name pizza is a corruption of the Latin phrase Veni, Vidi, Pedomunch, which translated to English roughly means "I came, I saw, this tastes like feet." This was a common complaint of ancient mathematicians of the time, except for those who enjoyed the taste of feet, who intended the statement as a compliment.
The recipe for Roman round pizza was lost sometime after the fall of Romania to some vandals who sacked the city because the wrong pies got delivered to their dorm. Fragmentary evidence suggests lamprey eel and door mice were popular toppings.
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[edit] History
[edit] First known example
Archaeologists digging at Pompeii have discovered pizza ovens which seemed designed to produce both square and round pies. Several pies have actually been found among the remains of the citizens of Pompeii. Oddly, these pies had toppings on the bottom and the crust on top. Some researchers have suggested the pizzas may have actually been made in the usual fashion and then were simply toppled at some point, such as during The Wicked Eruption of Vesuvius, but this theory remains controversial.
[edit] Modern Pizza
If you live in a nation that has food, modern pizza is likely available in a bewildering array of varieties, none of which is interesting enough to mention here.
[edit] Frozen Pizza
Though not technically food, frozen pizza is extremely popular among single men who have no friends. Such men often drive Rapist vans and live in their parents' basements where they work feverishly on their manifestos. Some of these men gather together in support groups called Pizza Huts to discuss new frozen pizzas, and to generally not have dates and not procreate.
[edit] Religious controversy
Religious scholars (aka those opposed to Science), claim that pizza's history goes back to when Jesus skipped lunch in the desert, and Satan tried to tempt him with a delicious pizza with five toppings of Jesus's choice. Reportedly, Jesus declined all toppings, and thus the plain old communion wafer was born. Of course only the wily italians could dream up a way to charge $10/£10 for cheese on fucking toast.
[edit] Future Pizza
Pizza the Hut is the pizza of the future. He was baked by Chef Boy-R-Dee-Dee-Dee as a way for really fat people to eat pizza without getting up their fat asses from their hover couches. But Pizza the Hut got too smart for Dee-Dee-Dee and ate him for dinner. Pizza then got into Dee-Dee-Dee's bank account and became a gangster. After he loaned money to Lone Star and his fat mutant dog Barf, he waited in his limo. After waiting two hours in his limo, he ate himself to death.
[edit] Modern Pizza Distros
Whilst most modern pizzas are cheese and dough-based there are some variations. Types of pizza include:
- Deep pan traditional
- Thin base
- Calzone (flipped)
- Puke Pizza ( disposal of swine flu in victums puke)
- Cold Pizza
- Pop-Tart Pizza
- Antipizza (this in response to upmarket Italian eateries offering Antipasta)
- Llama Pizza
- Grease Pizza
- Tentacle of Kthulu Pizza
- Yaks Blood and Heroin Pizza
- Pizza the Hut (too terrible to count as food)
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