Pixie Science

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“Only true scientific reasoning would miss out pixies.”
~ Oscar Wilde on on Pixie Science
“It must be science, it has lots of pixies.”
~ George Bush on on Pixie Science

The subject of pixies has been covered loosly on uncyclopedia (the true source of all knowledge) already however that article failed to explore the true importance of pixies in science. Despite common misteachings in science classrooms in schools across the world, the answer to most if not all questions in science (I say most as pixie science is very exact unlike the lies and inaccuracies told in science classrooms.) The true beauty of the discipline of pixie science is that as yet no question has gone unanswered through the use of pixies and by the vast diversity of pixies in and part of all things.

Before exploring obvious examples of pixies at work in the world and proofs of there existence it seems suitable to discuss what pixies really are. As yet it is fair to say that pixies have only been observed physically in a few situations. The main pixie detection method is the use of the Large Hadron Collider(LHC) in CERN, Switzerland. This particle accelerator can speed the very particles of the universe to fast enough speeds that the pixies become separate from their particles. At CERN large detectors have been built so as to detect the absolutely minuscule quantities of pixie dust given off as the pixies come to a stop having been thrown of the matter. Interestingly the number of pixies given off can be represented using the simple formula below:

E=mc^2

This formula describes the number of pixies given off (Named E due to Einsteins wrong interpretation of the number of pixies as the amount of energy), relative to the mass being collided times the pixie-speed (known as c) squared. It is also worth noting that this formula can be derived to show that the pixie-speed (c) is actually the fastest anything in the known universe can travel, although there are rumours in Pixie Science that pixie dust fired while moving at the pixie-speed may be able to go faster than the pixie speed however the research is still under question as CERN is busy building a bigger particle accelerator to test the theory.


edit Proof of Pixies Role in Science

As you will have already picked up from the above piece pixies can be detected in the particle accelerator at CERN, Switzerland, however for the average layman that is not very real and to them it is not proof at all, so despite my sincere wish to present the full proof of pixies here I feel the necessary understanding of science and particle accelerators is too great and so I am going to revert to some more managable pieces of evidence. Note due to avoiding the topic of particle accelerators I am going to have to bypass the rigour of pixie proof and rely on the incomplete, poorly backed up and generally wonky methods of standard science as was taught at school. (I am sure you understand my reasoning for avoiding the conclusive proof here)

The cling film phenomonon: This evidence is of the powerful action of pixies that can be seen at work in everyday cling film. The pixies live in the thin film that is used to wrap food. The pixies used in cling film are particularly friendly and so when put near each other (i.e when using clingfilm) these pixies actually hold onto each other. The construction of cling film is such that at any one moment in time the critical density of pixies holding onto each other is significant enough to hold two sheets of cling film together or onto an adjoining object. This adheres to the formula Critical density = (Number of pixies)/((pixie adhesion)^4).

Now comes the evidence for the role of pixies in this process; basically take a sheet of normal cling film and scrunch it into as tight a ball as you can manage, after doing this look at the ball created and you will find that from transparent cling film you get a coloured ball emerging. This colour is caused directly due to the pushing together of pixies very very tightly making them give off a faint glow in a particular colour depending upon the particular gender and type of pixie.

Note: If this trick fails to work then you have bought cling film from a company adhering to SPCA (The Society for Pixie Cling-film Abolishment) standards in cling film production.


The truth behind those Gel pens with clear ink Yep, you guessed it, those gel pens with apparently clear ink inside that write in black are actually a subtle use of pixies by the commercial world. Although it gives an explanation of how these pens work in laymans school science on the back that is merely to satisfy the uneducated majority of the population who have been misinformed. (Also they wanted to refrain from sharing the secret behind the production howeer it is out now.)

The pens in question work by holding pixies in a liquid suspension which when pressed against the paper forces the pixies at the tip of the pen to release small amounts of pixie dust into the liquid turning it black before it touches the page. The ingenious part of it is that if you own such a pen and after use fill it will sugary water the pixies will continue to work on that suspension also. (Although the companies producing such pens would not like the fact I am sharing this fact as that way they only need to sell you one pen so keep it down that the secret is out on uncyclopedia.)

edit Household objects that make use of pixies

The truth behind the lightbulb Despite many earlier inventions using pixies, including electricity, the lightbulb is probably one of the widest used pixie products. It works by the use of pixies run up and down a thin piece of wire very fast while bouncing tiny, poorly understood particles known as electrons, off the wire. This mindless task is induced by the presence of a vacuum inside the glass bulb creating lack of air for pixies causing them to loose their superior intelect and act like maniacs. This furious running and bouncing, as with cling film, causes the pixies to glow. (Alternative common science theories are similar but as I am sure you will appreciate; highly flawed.) It is worth noting that the symbol 60W on your lightbulb refers solely to how many pixies there are, W standing for a Wayne, the standard unit of Pixies (a Wayne being 4,000,230 pixies).

Batteries Even within the common battery pixies can be discovered. Within those batteries there are many pixies undertaking the old boy scout trick of rubbing things together to form sparks. Notably batteries run flat when the pixies inside get bored and sneak out at night to go on holiday.

Calculators Inside your calculator if you were to investigate you would find pixies, they actually manually do the calculations with vast quantities of pixies. Note that a good calculator will have 10^100 pixies inside so it can perform all the necessary actions.(On calculators with capacity for even larger numbers there will be even more pixies than that!) Due to the lack of human understanding of the ways pixies perform maths means that your calculator will occasionally come up with an error message as the lack of human knowledge has led to confusion of the pixies and their superior intellects.

edit History of pixies

The first recorded knowledge of pixies was in ancient China where they were used in fireworks. This use was fairly wasteful however like the human population in China the pixie population is also very high and so losing a few was no great loss to the early chinese civilisations. As a chinese proverb says "Nothing shines like a pixie shines." (There are a lot of people in China so I am sure someone has said it). This early use died away on the discovery of more complex explosives that did not waste so many pixies lives. This led to a forgetting of pixies for nearly 3759.732years.

The next recorded mention of pixies being used by the human race appears in 1724 in Guatamala although many suspect thzat they were knowingly used between the chinese and the guatamalans. The Guatamalans went on to develop many pixie products which were sold all around the world and continued to be sold worldwide until 1798 when the factory where all the pixie products burned down creating firstly a great drop in stock market prices and secondly a collapse in the Guatemalan economy.

Moving onto the modern era it is not entirely clear when western civilisation caught onto the idea (although as already discussed they like to keep it quite quiet). However as shown above pixies are not used in an absolutely colossal range of products and very recently have become the basis for every electronic product on the market. Currently they are such a fundamental part of all products that a secret international treaty has been signed to abolish the unnecessary killing of pixies. This goes under the guise of the nuclear arms treaty and was claimed to be to save human civilisation however actually was signed to save pixie numbers worldwide.

edit Bibliography

Pixies and their applications, 1922, Donaldson S. Pix Publishing

A Pixie Proof, 1931, Chalmer J. The 'Real' Scientific American

Fundamentals of University Pixie Science (3rd Edition), 1987, Pix i.e. 'True Science' publishing

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