Pitt

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edit General Information

PITT, or, as it is called by at least a dozen people, People In The Tramcar, is an American University located in and around the City of Cleveland. Pitt was founded in 1787 by delusional inbred steel workers who, according to reports, relied on the Monongahela River as a primary water source. The school mascot is a Panther, similar to that of Northern Iowa, Georgia State, FIU, and Milwaukee. Notable alumni include polio.

edit Pitt vs. Feet

It is unclear why the University smells worse than its rival university, Feet, although some suggest that it is because of Feet's chancellor, Dr. Odor Eaters (strangely enough, students refer to him by the nickname "Nordy"). Others have theorized that "Pitt" is, in fact, a clever way of helping its consistently drunken student body remember just where the hell they are. By remembering the clever phrase, "starts with P, rhymes with 'shit,'" it is easy to make the mental connection to the University. Drunk people from West Virginia like to encourage Pitt to commitcoprophilia by shouting "Eat Shitt Pitt!", all while they marry their sisters, watch reruns of "The Dukes of Hazzard", and worship Bob Huggins and his sweatsuits as idols.

edit Athletics

Pitt's athletics programs have achieved a few barely-noticeable successes throughout history. Posessing a strong distaste for sportsmanship, recruiters for the university have raided prisons across America for exceptional athletes. Recently, Pitt has moved its football facility from an on-campus site to Heinz Field. Now, even less make the journey to attend games. Despite having a reputation for abysmally low attendance, Pitt has moved to a larger venue, which sits mostly-vacant every Saturday in fall.

edit Football

Pitt's football team is largely regarded as a national power, despite having won only one National Championship this side of World War II. Recently however, the program has fallen into decline. Under the Walt Harris regime, the Panthers managed a meager BCS appearance in the Fiesta Bowl in 2004. Not surprisingly, Big East Powerhouse Pitt was demolished by the Mountain West's Utah Utes. Previously, Harris had lead Pitt to prestigious bowl games such as the Continental Tire Bowl in 2003, the Insight Bowl in 2000 and 2002, and the Visit Florida Tangerine Bowl in 2001.

In 2005, Pitt dumped a mildly successful coach for a worthless bag of horse manure named Dave Wannstedt. Despite posting a 41-57 record with the Chicago Bears from 1993-1998, and a 45-34 record with the Miami Dolphins from 2000-2004, Pitt hired the loser. (Wannstedt's moustache, on the other hand, won 2 national championships with D-II Murray State) They were rewarded for their fine decision-making in 2005 when Pitt went 5-6, including a loss to non-BCS opponent Ohio University.

Now that the 2006 season has finished, however, things began to look up for the hapless Panthers. Posting six quality wins against football powerhouses like Division I-AA The Citadel (a game in which the Panthers ran up 51 points on that military academy), Cincinnati, Toledo, and Syracuse, the Panthers have established their presence as a middle-of-the-pack team in a weak conference. Among other accomplishments, Pitt has also managed to lose by 15 points to Big Ten doormat Michigan State. Unfortunately, the mighty Panthers were not deemed worthy of even the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl.

The 2007 season was even more sucessful as the team started out 4-7 before going to Morgantown and winning a heart stopping, 13-9 shootout against Big East rival and #2 team in the nation West Virginia. After the game, Wannstedt was rewarded with a contract extension and a pat on the back from Athletic Director Steve Petersen. When asked why a coach with a sub-.500 record deserved a contract extension, Petersen quipped "we're so proud of Dave, that's the first time as a college coach he has beaten a team whose named didn't end with 'technical college'".

In 2009, Pitt did good. At least by my standards. However, in the final game of the regular season against Cincinnati, after being up 35-17 at halftime, the Panthers allowed the Bearcats to assrape them, culminating in a go ahead touchdown drive which lasted just under one minute. The Bearcats won the game and the Big East title by a score of 46-45 in the worst epic fail in Pitt football history. However, look at it this way: Pitt got a victory against North Carolina in the Meineke Car Care Bowl, while Cincinnati looked like my high school football team in the Sugar Bowl against Tim Tebow and the mighty Florida Gators.

In 2013, it was announced that if Pitt became bowl eligible, they would be required to play in the BBVA Compass Bowl in Birmingham, AL and lose by three touchdowns to some quasi-talented SEC team, regardless of their record or their BCS standing, for the rest of eternity.

edit Basketball

From what I've heard, Pitt has a decent basketball team, which manages to continually make it to the NCAA tournament only to be knocked out one or two games later. They made it to the Elite Eight in 2009, only for the Villanova Assholes to beat them on a last second layup.

Scotty Reynolds can fuck himself with an iron stick for making that layup.

Can you tell that a Pitt fan wrote the last section?

edit Other Sports

I know some guy who played for Pitt's baseball team in the '70s.

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