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“Better pissed off than pissed on.”
“Today has been a load of shit.”
Pissed is one of numerous identified emotions of human beings. The emotion, which was first recognized and recorded in 1883 by sociologist Lester Frank Ward, a man who often struggled with his own bouts of being pissed, is considered to be one of the sole causes of history's greatest struggles such as war, famine, oppression, fascism, anime, and public television.
Ward identified "pissed" as a "really advanced form of angry." Like all breakthrough scientists, he felt it necessary to create a chart which better defined the levels of rage (to the right). This emotion can be dicribed as the compultion to punch kittens instead of huffing them. Unfortunately, all of Ward's attempts to get his works published, such as "What The Fuck Is Anger?" or "I'm So Pissed, But What Does It Mean To Be Pissed?" were in vain. The latter was actually published, but was a commercial failure. In fact, all of Ward's attempted publications had questions for titles. On a side note, Ward was sued for intellectual property theft by Jeopardy!™ ©. He wagered $12,000, and lost.
Being the empiricist that he was, Ward kept a very detailed yet private journal of his experiences throughout his life in an attempt to better understand the human response to social stimuli around him or her. Ward's primary stimuli were his nagging wife (Elizabeth "Lizzie" Caroline) and the rocks and plants he encountered during his career as both a botanist and a geologist. Oddly, Ward talks more about rocks and plants than his own wife. When, on rare occasions, he does mention his wife, it's usually in a negative tone, calling her such words as "ribald", "tail-peddler", and "dant" (these were all very, very bad words back then). He claims her to be an intolerable nagging hag who failed to cook anything that didn't resemble horse feces.
In retrospect, some have speculated that Ward's own animosity and anger is a result of his own troubled home-life. Historical evidence has proven that Liz Caroline was both a real bitch and a real hoe; putting up with her proved impossible, even for an acclaimed genius like Ward.
So where does his theory of "pissed" come from? It's highly believed that Ward based his theory of "pissed" on his own personal experiences. Being one of his later works, "pissed" actually comes from an interjection Ward exclaimed on what he called was "the worst day of my entire life since I was robbed by those midgets." On this day, Ward was reportedly fired from his job, mugged (not by midgets), and lost his car keys. At the end of the day, Ward returned home, only to have his wife questioned what the matter was. Upon hearing her voice, Ward urinated in his pants from anxiety, and replied, "PISSED!"
After the event, Ward adopted the word as his own little inside joke before submitting it to the scientific community.
Ward has also described pissed as "mad enough to kill a man and not feel remorse about it sometime later in life." While this is a broad and often misleading analogy, it hasn't been rejected by the scientific community.
In an 1884 dictionary, pissed is defined as "a form of rage which is absent of concern, regret, or confliction with other emotions; similar to hate, without the plausibility of epiphany." Ward made the following comment on the definition:
|Yeah, that too.|
Throughout history, there have been many historical events which were influenced or directly caused by being pissed, some good, some bad. Below are a few:
- 4000 BC - God creates the Earth. makes a guy and girl. the girl ate the forbidden fruit. God is pissed.
- 3900 BC - Cain is pissed at Abel. Cain kills him and God and Adam are seriously pissed
- 3800 BC - God is pissed at everyone but Noah. Everybody and dinosaurs are pissed when they got drowned.
- 3200 BC - Egyptians treats Jews as slaves. God is pissed and sends Moses. AT the same year, Pharaoh's son dies, and is pissed. Pharaoh goes after Moses in Red Sea, but dies. He is pissed.
- 480 BC - Xerxes attempts to take over Greece. SPARTAAAAAAAAAANs and other Greeks are pissed. Leonidas of Sparta gets last laugh. Xerxes is pissed.
- 58 BC - Julius Caesar gets pissed and decides to invade Gaul.
- 44 BC - Several Roman Senators get pissed and conspire to kill Julius Caesar. They are successful, but end up making a lot of other people pissed.
- 37 BC - Augustus becomes pissed and sick of Marc Antony's shit, and decides to reconquer the Roman Empire.
- 36 AD - Pontius Pilate has a bad day, and becomes pissed. Some important guy dies.
- 476 AD - Rome falls. Roman citizens are pissed.
- 769 AD - Arabs are tired and pissed at having to chisel everything into rock and force the Chinese to introduce paper to the region.
- 1000 AD - Earth has officially lasted 1000 years since the birth of that one guy who died in 36 AD. Everybody is absolutely pissed.
- 1111 AD - The year 1111 is a year that can be read backwards and forwards, as well as upside down. This scares people. Some are pissed.
- 1492 AD - Christopher Columbus "discovered" America. Native Americans are fucking pissed.
- 1666 AD - Great Fire of London occurred. Everyone is pissed.
- 1775 AD - The United States starts a revolution against Britain. Needless to say, King George III is pissed.
- 1789 AD - The French start their own revolution, but are accused of being copy-cats. The French become pissed, but nothing happens.
- 1812 AD - War of 1812 happens. Nobody is pissed, except for France who is still pissed about being called copy-cats.
- 1830 AD - Everybody is pissed at their primitive tools and unfulfilling lives, so the Industrial Revolution starts in Britain.
- 1861 AD - The South gets pissed and secedes. The American Civil War starts.
- 1865 AD - Linclon is pwned in a theatre, people in the North is superpissed-off.
- 1912 AD - A particular iceberg in the Northern Atlantic gets pissed, and the RMS Titanic sinks as a result.
- 1914 AD - Archduke Franz Ferdinand gets his shit ruined. Apparently, this pissed some people off, and World War I starts.
- 1929 AD - Great Depression strikes, Amercia and everywhere is pissed off.
- 1939 AD - Germany is pissed. World War II starts.
- 1945 AD - Atoms get pissed and decide to split. Two Japanese cities are wiped off the map as a result. No biggy.
- 1969 AD - Earth sucks, America goes to the moon, Russia is pissed.
- 1980 AD - Mark David Chapman is pissed at John Lennon and kills him. Many Beatles Fans are pissed. Some are not.
- 1997 AD - Princess Diana dies. Everybody is permanently pissed at the paparazzi.
- 1998 AD - Windows 98 is released. Consumers are pissed at the memory leaks.
- 2000 AD - Earth survives another 1000 years. God is impressed, but "End of the World" theorists are pissed. So is Prince, because it's not 1999 anymore.
- 2001 AD - The World Trade Center is Attacked and Destroyed by Retarded Middle-Eastern Terrorists on September 11, 2001; Americans are Uber-Pissed.
- 2004 AD - George Dubya Bush wins reelection in America, Americans are pissed.
- 2006 AD - Windows Vista is released. Microsoft succeeds in making everyone on Earth pissed, even Bill Gates.
- 2011 AD - My Little Pony gets trolled by Fox News. Everypony is pissed. At the same year, Lamar Smith proposed the SOPA bill. Pirates are pissed, and started a riot.
- 2014 AD - You are reading this, and you are pissed.
- 2101 AD - War was beginning, Japanese to English translators are pissed.
|This article may be Overly American. Brits may not understand humor, only humour. Canadians and Australians may not understand anything at all. Don't not attempt to remedy this.|