Pirates versus Ninjas
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“Ninjas ARE better at killing people, but pirates are better at making it worth their while”
“'For centuries my people have fought over whether Pirates or Ninjas are better, hence the great Pirate vs Ninja war of 1337AD'”
“When was the last time ye be seeing ninjas with wenches?”
“When was the last time you saw a ninja? Right before I sliced your head off, that's when!”
“When was the last time a ninja be helpin his matey?”
“Can't we all just get along?”
The Pirate VS Ninja War, aka Ninjas VS Pirates, is on ongoing dispute as to who would win in a battle between Pirates or Ninjas. The Pirates have drunken wisdom that Pirates will eventually win, while the Ninjas have a mystical belief that Ninjas will eventually win. Despite the occasional alliance to counter the Interstellar Pirate/ninja hybrids (which ironicly were created when the pirates and ninjas first 'came together' in the first place), the Pirates and Ninjas are at almost constant war. Within the last decadon, the majority of fighting is done via the internet, specifically within the Cutting Edge of Animation; a place where few but Pirates and Ninjas and a Mockingbird have survived. This VS battle is still ongoing, with many countries refusing to take sides - bar Japan, which sides with Ninjas for obvious reasons, and China, which is currently the number one country for Piracy.
edit The Intro
In the year 20 AD, a clan of Ninjas went out to prove that they could beat a ship of Pirates. They wanted to try out their new sock weapons. They attacked what they thought was a pirate ship, but it turned out to be owned by Admiral Ackbar. It was full of Adam West clones, as was the possiblilty (though many historians believe it to have actually been full of very excentric cartoon voice actors). The ninjas started to flip out, and start killing people using their socks, only to meet with failure because the ninjas chose to use method 2 instead of method 1 in trying to kill off the Adam West clones. The clones bled on the Ninjas, bit them, and 30 of them healed up and used summoning powers to summon 30 more clones, and the rest extricated massive amounts of methane gas through their newly made wounds. After this miserable defeat, the Ninjas decided to regroup.
The Pirates then decided that would crush the Ninjas to death, and followed after them. By the time they had reached the Ninjas [Only a few seconds later], the Ninjas had totally rehealed and whooped every Adam West clone they laid eyes on. They even whooped the ones they couldn't see. Admiral Ackbar burst into tears at the sight of his clones dying and ran away to join the circus. After a few years he longed for the sea and started a new crew [Again with the Adam West clones].
A band of Pirates led by the Ghost of Maddox, who died in 1993, stormed the headquarters and elected leader of the Liberal Pirates of Russia. Deciding to take the new ship commanded by Admiral Ackbar and tried to take it over. Maddox had slightly different tactics, and ordered his Pirates to do ear twisting aka method 3 to fight the Adam West clones. Badly in need of ear transplants, the clones escaped the ship and headed for nearby Quahog, where the original Adam West lived and the headquarters for the ear transplant institute was located.
This angered the Ninjas, that Admiral Ackbar had regrouped his forces after he had been defeated. Then the Liberal Pirates had defeated them the first time. [It should be noted that these were retarded clones this time though This lead to a bitter war between all Pirates and Ninjas.
edit It is farging war!
Nobody knows who fired the first shot or threw the first shuriken or twirled the first moustache or flipped out first and started killing people, but it was a bloody and messy war. It lasted longer than you'd think. A lot of people died, but then they decided to have a do-over because a car was coming and the Pirates were not ready. Then a lot more people died, but then the Pirates accused the Ninjas of bribing the officials. The officials called a time-out, and the Pirates appealed to the Supreme Court. The Supreme Court found that the bribe was Unconstitutional and that some of the dead needed to be brought back to life. Then Judge Judy was called in, and found for the Ninjas that there was no bribe, and that the dead need to stay dead. Then Judge Reinhold found that both Judge Judy and the Supreme Court were both wrong, because they always are, and that all the dead needed to come back to life, and the war had to be started all over again.
edit War, again
This time, the Ninjas flipped a coin, called heads, and it came up tails. The Pirates got to choose the type of battle, and so they decided for a Break dancing contest. There was much dancing, and both sides scored a lot of points with the judges. Even the Adam West clones joined in, after their ear transplants, they looked different and nobody knew it was them anyway. The judges called the contest off, as the Adam West clones were party crashers. Had this not happened, the ninjas would have most-likely lost the contest.
It is little known fact that the Pirates then had their own break dancing competition on their ship, resulting in much Bloodshed
edit Sigh, war, yet again
Ok, it gets better from here. The Pirate Liberation Organization, a branch of the Pirates of the Caribbean decided to join the war as ringers for the Liberal Pirates. The Ninjas were upset, so they got out their cell phones and called in a favor for the Clinjas to help them out in this war. Both sides needed new weapons, so the only list they had was the List of weapons that don't exist, but should, since they weren't invented yet, they had to postpone the big war. They agreed to keep in touch and attack each other via debates in email and public forums.
edit Sigh, Sigh, War, War, Yet, Yet, Again, Again
The email debates eventually led to years of prosperity. The Ninja took advantage of this prosperity to attain advanced degrees in Mathematics. Pirates, constrained by having dropped out of High School, went back to what pirates did before the ninja wars - drink milk. With their vast knowledge and the power of Ninjutsu, the ninja derived the now famous Weekend proof, which they believed gave them an upper-hand over their bitter rivals. The ninjas struck first and combined with the devastation wrought by global warming, nearly destroyed Pirates as we know them. But before they could succeed, a core set of Weekend pirates emerged - pirates who too were versed in the magical proof. These pirates valiantly fought off the Ninja - the fighting was so brutal, intense, exquisite and complicated that an interdimensional portal opened to a mirror universe. Now there were two of everything, including mother-in-laws. Seeing the destruction their sword fighting had caused, the Ninja and Pirates forged an uneasy truce and succeeded in closing the portal.
Finally they reached a peace treaty. It lasted for 15 seconds, before George W. Bush decided to get involved as a uniter between the Ninjas and Pirates. He used his psychic powers on them, but it only made them mad. Then a Cylon invasion force lead by Tom Cruise came in and started killing people. The Pirates blamed the Ninjas for the Cylons and the Ninjas blamed the Pirates. It was all a plot by George W. Bush and Adam West to steal oil from Iraq and Canada and blame the Ninjas and Pirates. George W. Bush and Adam West paid off the Cylons to attack. Tom Cruise was just in it to impress Oprah.
edit The Aftermath
The bitter rivalry still exists between Pirates and Ninjas. It is now a matter of honor, revenge, and kitten huffing. They still fight, to this very day. Nobody knows when it will end, nobody knows exactly how it got started. Nobody takes responsibility for it at all. It was one big pay per view event, and ratings went through the roof. When they meet on the street, a Pirate and a Ninja will stare at each other for hours, waiting for the other one to make a move. Then one will say to the other, "Just you wait until the list of weapons that don't exist, but should get made, and then we can finish this war!" Then they make fun of your mom and Richard Simmons and throw cheese at each other, then they walk away angry, but determined to finish the war some day.
edit Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, and the Ninja-Pirate Assembly of God
After the first thousand years of the universe, which were ruled by Hominus Caveus Dinosaurus Dominus, the "cave-men-who-dominated-the-dinosaurs", and ended when these men hunted the dinosaurs to extinction, there came a time of great political unrest. It was then, now four thousand years ago, that the ninja-pirate rift began; however, it is stated in the book of Prong, that a small group of pirates, and a smaller group of ninjas, never forgot the covenant of the flying spaghetti monster. The FSM wanted all of his violent children to play for the same team, and get together for a cheesy Italian feast every Friday night. These disciples of the true god held true their pact and passed their knowledge down through their female offspring, so the teachings would never be lost, or get dirty. Now, one hundred and ten generations later, the Ninja-Pirate Assembly of God has become so strong, that its adherents can openly wear their black gi and tabi shoes with eye patch and tri-corn hat; above one shoulder rises the hilt of sword, and above the other a parrot. These holy men and women are a perfect blend of yin and yang, wind and water, patch and hood. Scorned by the majority of their brethren for years, they are now coming out of dojo closets, and Davey Jones's lockers, to confront the very nature of the pirate-ninja conflict.
edit Advantages Of Each Side
Pirates have cutlasses, while ninjas can use the darkness to their advantage. After the advent of the gene that makes a Pirate's left arm a railgun, the ninjas fought back by making their left earlobes into coilguns. Unfortunately, both technologies weren't perfected, and instead of having extra tehnology with them at all times, they simply had to schlep around a big piece of metal.
Additionally, Ninjas have Real Ultimate Power whereas Pirates have the awesome ability of ownage. It is common knowledge that after the great Converse-Nike massacre of 3049, Ninjas also gained the magical Ocarina of Time. This gave them a strategic advantage over the pirates who still only had the magical Jew's Harp of Time. Although both of these instruments are useful for distraction, the calling of animal companions and the changing of the weather, only the Ocarina can cause the day to turn into night. This power is a distinct and powerful advantage for ninjas who can more easily and stealthily move during the night than during the day. It is a proven fact that a ninjas is 9999% more likely to beat a pirate in hand-to-hand combat during the night than during the day and 150% more likely when they both have the melee weapons of their choice.
Pirates for some time had a slight advantage in battle due to their age old alliance with parrots who are known for warping the universe with their intelligence as well as their ability to watch over the matrix. The ninjas countered this turn of events by forming an alliance with the monkeys, this being the reason that most pirates today are no longer seen with monkeys on their shoulders and why many monkeys have been seen around large cities wearing all-black ninja tunics. this alliance almost fully counters the alliance between the pirates and parrots because of the monkeys' abilities to fight with advanced weaponry and their ability to fly.
An often over looked advantage for the pirates is Rum. This magical beverage, crafted from the fermented blood of slain enemies endows pirates with a super-human tolerance to pain (much like the effects of some narcotics). Also, when coupled with peg-leg, hook, patch and cutlass, rum allows the pirates to undertake advanced medical marvels. Dr. Ludwig Rehn, the surgeon who first performed successful surgery on the heart itself, was actually wearing traditional pirate garb and had just drank 3 quarts of pirate rum while doing the complex procedure. The ninjas' sake is no match for this drink.
The weaponry used by pirates and ninjas have their own advantages and disadvantages. Ninjas are generally known for using the katana in melee combat and the shuriken in ranged combat, whereas pirates are known for the cutlass and the musket. In melee combat, the ninjas have an obvious advantage because of the strength and durability of such a light-weight weapon as compared to the heaviness and lack of workmanship of the cutlass. A katana in the right hands will ALWAYS beat a cutlass.(But no pirate is stupid enough to only use one weapon) comparatively, the pirate will always beat the ninja in ranged combat due to the power of the musket. Shurikens (although fast) rarely do critical amounts of damage while muskets have the ability to kill quickly.(Some believe shurikens are the reason pirates wear eye-patches) If it wasn't for the ninjas' ability to move at fast speeds and the muskets' handicap when it comes to accuracy, the ninjas would always lose in ranged combat, but, because of these circumstances, pirates win only 2 out of every 3 times. Compared to the ninjas 5 out of 6 average in melee combat, the pirate's average in ranged combat is much lower than expected. however when a pirates manabar has been filled they can use their greatest weopen the almighty ARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH which instantily kills all ninjas in a five mile radius giving them the win in most encounters
With all of these advantages and disadvantages taken into account, it has been statistically shown that,under normal circumstances, 100 ninjas will always beat 100 pirates in battle. In fact, 100 ninjas will always beat 200 pirates, but will never beat 300 pirates. The reason that there are some circumstances where this is not true is an anomale.(The author of this article went out for sake with 100 ninjas, and was proptly killed by three pirates and a parrot)(The author of the last comment was immediately decapitated by one ninja after successfully masturbating for the last time)(The author of the last comment was immediately raped my the ghost of Bruce Willis in midair in Antartica while the author of this comment had the girl of his dreams, Kalli, have sex with him and she fell in love with him and then they lived happily ever after.)
An alternative theory is that Ninjas are too honorable to team up with another Ninja, while most pirates travel in large groups. A pirate will also use multiple muskets, negating the negative effects of the pistols accuracy and reload time, giving pirates a 19/20 advantage over ninjas. In melee combat and pirate is likely to use two weapons, while a ninja is taught to fight with one Katana. Pirates also fight unorthodoxly, using any thing at their disposal including, rope, rum bottles, dead pirates, live pirates, parrots, bar stools and commonly the jibe of a sail. Making the advantage of physical combat a 9/20 odds for the pirate, or roughly 45%.(note this is a one on one duel, not likely to happen). Another huge advantage for pirates would be lack of honor. While a ninja would follow rules of honor (as small as they may be) a pirate has none. If he asked for last words the ninja might give him time to speak his last mortal words, and the pirate would pull out a gun and kill the Ninja.
(Note these are both theories, well thought out. Each author has a right to their own opinion. This is just to help you make a educated decision.)
edit Cyborg Ninjas Vs. Robot Pirates
In a battle between cyborg ninjas and robot pirates, the ninjas would always win. As stated before, under normal circumstances, 100 ninjas will always beat 200 pirates, but will never beat 300 pirates. By making something into a robot, you tend to triple their ability to fight, while making something into a cyborg would double its ability to fight. So, 100 ninjas will always beat a 100 cyborg pirates, never beat 200 cyborg pirates, and never beat 100 robot pirates. This means that it would take 200 ninjas to beat 100 robot pirates, meaning that 100 cyborg ninjas would always beat 100 robot pirates. So, in a battle where all circumstances are completely even, an army of cyborg ninjas would always beat an army of the same amount of robot pirates.
Unless! the cyborg enhancements weight the ninja down, there for actually giving them a disadvantage, while pirates don't need to worry about weight. Also Robot Pirates would have space ships, and no one can sneak up on a space ship, shifting odds in favor of pirates. As we have seen at the battle of McBeth(3992 YT) Cyborg Ninjas, even when greatly outnumbering Robot pirates, have no hope of wining a space battle. Pirates are also extremely experienced in the art of ships, be it in the sea, space or my trousers.
Also note that the upgrade into robot form give one (ONLY ninja or pirate) access into the almighty subspace mainframe with access to the TASK MANAGER with which one robot pirate could destroy 100 ninjas with the click of a unseen button.
OBJECTION!!! Unless the Cyborg Ninja has a DIACONEX MKII (or above), a Quantum Shift EXE, or a C.D.T.B.S. unit (Cronus Dimensional Time Breaker System unit) installed! This will easily give them the advantage to overthrow any space ship, space fortress, planet, fortified planet, heck even the gods and existence itself!!! This program will give them the power to bend the very essence of time and space at their will as well as also granting them the ability to use dimensional travel. The problem is that only an elite group of Cyborg Ninja have been able to survive and master this dangerous system (5 up to now). But with just these 5 they can easily destroy in mere seconds over 10,000,000,000,000 Robot Pirates fleets. These elite 5 like to call themselves Neo Cyber Ninjas. Yet some consider them just legends. Till those people die horrible inexplicable deaths that are to superior for the human mind to handle and once faced with this reality man falls to the grip of madness in the end the out come is simple their heads blow up!!!
Unless the pirates shouted "AAARGH!!!" causing the Neo Cyber Ninjas' heads to asplode, spraying my wife with brain faeces and train wrecks.
edit Pirate/Ninja Paradox
Though it is well known that there have been many deaths on both sides (mainly on the Pirates sides though), there are rare occurrences where pirates and ninjas become locked in stale-mate.
Pirates are known for enjoying pain. Powerful Pirates, such as Maddox, Pontius Pirate, the rumoured Tim, and Blackbeard, have gained the ability to take pain and make themselves stronger by the more pain they receive (this skill is generally gained through intoxication). That's why it is important to kill a pirate instantly, if you are unaware of his level of strength. Ninjas, masters of the one hit kill, are also experts of dealing pain. When a skilled ninja meets a powerful pirate in battle, and fails to kill it instantly, the pirate becomes stronger. Ninjas who, once upon deciding to kill someone continue until either their target or themselves die, persist in attacking the pirate, who continues to gain in strength. The pirate cannot kill the ninja because he is far too intoxicated. This causes a rapid reaction. The two beings are locked in combat forming a huge surge of energy known as the pirate/ninja paradox.
Depending on the strength, if pirate/ninja paradox is left to grow it will eventually form either a S.O.A.D. performance, an orange huffable kitten, supernova and/or black hole.
Only a huge third counter energy can stop a pirate/ninja paradox. Recent research in the department of "Chuck Norris and the Big Bang" have found evidence that Chuck Norris, in his travels across time and space, upon finding a pirate/ninja paradox, roundhouse kicked it, forming the big bang of our current universe.
Studies have also been creating new theories to show how a pirate/ninja paradox may be a new way of creating Pirja, though much research has been unsuccessful, and caused many deaths.
The most famous example of the Ninja/Pirate paradox is the fight between David Hasselhoff (a known pirate) and Tom Hanks (a known ninja). This battle finally ended when Chuck Norris had a cameo appearance in the movie Dodgeball. With this occurrence, both parties agreed on a truce and stopped fighting. It is thought that this same fight may happen again because of David Hasselhoff's appearance on The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie. This seems trivial, but Tom Hanks wanted this part badly, mainly because SpongeBob is his favorite cartoon character. If this does occur, a pirja will definitely be created and Tomvid Hankselhoff will go to the center of the Earth to fight, not only clay people, but mole people as well. However, in an act of amazing prescience to save the known universe, the situation was eased - if tenuously - when Tom Hanks was given a cameo appearance in The Simpsons Movie. It is for the safety of our species - indeed, all life and non-life that we presently take for granted - that David "The Hoff" Hasselhoff should never be offered a single cameo ever again.
WARNING: If you are to ever encounter a pirate/ninja Paradox follow these guidelines and keep safe-
*Do not look at it directly. *Avoid all physical contact. *Do not add Gold, it will only increase the reaction rate. *Call your local Total Gym and ask for Chuck Norris
edit The Epic Battle
The story of the epic battle is a long-debated one. For the entertainment of those who would like to know all that there is to know about it, here is a recollection straight from the mouth of a Believer.
"Not many people are familiar with the epic battle, as it has been called, but it is the original source of the legend of Pirates vs. Ninjas and Ninjas vs. Pirates. not many people believe me when I tell them this story but let me assure you that this is a first hand account of what is probably the most important event in the history of the S.H.I.T. continuum. it is a tale of courage and sacrifice, of betrayal and also of hot sex. Here is basically what happened:
"Many thousands of years ago a ship of Japanese people were sailing around in space. After many days of sailing they landed on the planet Columbia, homeland of Columbo. The planets' singular native, Columbo, greeted them. For the following weeks Columbo treated them adequately, giving them lots of Scooby Snacks. One day the Japanese were really high from the snacks and started killing the rapper P-Digimon. In an unexpected turn of events the Vikings, led by Leiff Ericsson (Hinger Dinger Schinger), showed up and stole the precious Scooby Snacks of the Japanese. The poor Japanese needed their snacks back so they went en masse to the remote mountain temple of Ki Di Fidla, whereupon they received many magical powers after participation in the ancient ritual of Le-Mon-Par-Tee. Shortly afterwards they dressed up like Gothic homosexuals and called themselves "Ninas", which is Spanish for 'bitch'. Unfortunately their collective Japanese-trained mouths couldn't pronounce the word correctly so they called themselves Ninjas, meaning 'to sift', instead. They went back home to Japan to find some drugs like a Lamborghini, or sake, but it couldn't replace the snack that they desired. So they built a great big ol' Spaceship o' Dooms which they called Takeshi's Castle and set out to pursue the Vikings.
"Now what I hadn't yet told you is before the Vikings went back to America the soon-to-be Ninjas stole their Dilithium Crystals that they needed to power their toasters. They went to Japan in search of the Ninja at the same time Takeshi's Castle went out to pursue them. There they found masters of Chinese martial arts such as Bruce Lee and William Hung for some reason. The Vikings were told the answers they were searching for could only be found in Jet Li, the Wicked 'Wich of the West. The Vikings went all over Hong Kong pillaging evil people like Lan Di and Vin Diesel and eventually came to the old and wise dwellings of an old and wise software pirate, name of Bob. He taught them many things, including how to steal and deceive others and how to make bootleg DVDs. He told them that he would download the map to where the Ninjas were to their personal digital assistants. They didn't have PDAs so naturally they killed the bastard and took his geeky Asian glasses. A quick PR meeting later told them they needed to re-brand to bring in new customers, so they became Pirates incorporated limited. Brian Peppers and Captain Jean Luc Picard were spited because they were second in line at the patent office.
"They also made a big ol' spaceship o' dooms, this one in the shape of a cherry so as to differentiate from the Ninjas'. Theirs was in the shape of a vicious rabbit, you see. The leader of the big ol' spaceship o' dooms was actually a former samurai named Connor, accompanied by his trusty minion Finn.
"As the forces of these two enemies drew near both sides trained hard and fast, pumping iron, thrusting pelvises and sending letters to the editor. Many died in this pretend war, but in the end there were 100 pirates and 100 ninja. No one knows what came of the former samurai, though rumors have circulated over recent years that he is socked away in an evil lair and that he now goes by the name 'Mini-Mind'."
edit The Pirate Ninja
Many sceptics believe that there is no way for a pirate and a ninja to mate and create children. They are right, the sperm of ninja would slice the head off of a pirate, and a pirate's sperm would shoot the ninja's head straight off. They cannot be genetically made either, for their genes are totally different. Ninjas choose Lee Genes and pirates choose Levi's Genes. These two cannot be put together, because if they were, then the American gene business would be completely annihilated. The only way a combo of a Pirate and a ninja could be created is if there were some hot female ninjas on the same boat as maddox or a group of 500 horny pirates. Only a few people were able to accomplish this task. Many are in the earth's core, fighting the clay people, in order to gain the level 5 Wizard Staff, which can now be bought on McDonalds Dollar Menu. The known Pirja on the surface are
- Stephen Colbert (No normal being can know that much truth)
- Tina Fey
- Mr. T
- Oprah Winfrey
- Chocobo Lad
- The Green Power Ranger
- OJ Simpson
- The 1962 Green Bay Packers
- Mexican Man
- The man who invented the Scooby-Doo Fruit Flavored Snacks
- Vin Diesel
- Peanut Butter The Third
- Chuck Norris
- Oscar Wilde
- Bruce Willis
- Master Chief
- Jack Bauer
- Daniel Colella
- Joe Rossi
- Peter Yip
- Stephen Fry
- Sir Francis Henry The 4th...for some reason
edit See also
- Pirates Vs. Ninjas Videos
- The TRUE history of the Pirate/Ninja war (now with vampires!
- Pirates Vs. Ninjas Vote / Debate / Archive