Pirates of the Caribbean (film series)

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Pirates of the Caribbean (film series).

Pirates of the Caribbean is a series of fantasy adventure films directed by Gore Verbinski (1–3) and Rob Marshall (4), written by Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio, and produced by Jerry Bruckheimer.

Set in the late seventeenth century - well known as the golden age of pirates, sea battles, magical artifacts, giant ocean monsters, and cursed squid people - Pirates of the Caribbean is made up of four films, with two more still in the works. The films follow the adventures of Captain Jack Sparrow, Will Turner, Elizabeth Swann, and a large host of colorful and wacky characters, most of whom are there for comic relief and not much else.

While only achieving a mediocre response from critics, Pirates of the Caribbean remains the fifth highest-earning film series of all time; at last count, grossing a pile of cash marginally larger than America's debt crisis. Well, something close to that anyway.

Drink Up Me Hearties, Yo-Ho! The Films

First film

Originally based on a theme park ride, the first film's initial script (written in the 1990's) was rejected by Disney. Then, in 2002, it was heavily re-edited, splashed with beer, set alight and then flushed down a toilet. Once the script was pieced back together, it was rewritten into a romp about a bunch of drunkard, gun-toting pirate wannabes who were following a ship full of undead gangsters to find a chest full of cheap bottle caps painted to look like cursed dubloons. Disney loved the idea, and it was released the next year.

The film was a success.

Second and third films

After the 'success' of the first film, the cast and crew signed for another two adventures. Because as we know, everything nowadays has to have a sequel or two.

With a set cast, the writers knew they would not be able to create totally new characters and situations, so they settled on continuing on the story that the first movie left off. They wanted to explore some of the possible complications that would arise from the previous film's various sub-plots, as well introducing some new elements to the story. In the end, they settled on replacing the undead pirates with squid pirates, made the battles from the last movie even more outlandish, and left it at that.

The films were another success.

Fourth film

In a surprise move, Disney released a fourth film in the franchise, in late 2011. It deviated from the earlier movies in that it stood as its own movie, introduced a skew of new characters, and didn't have any originality at all.

Upcoming fifth and sixth films

They are really milking this to its limit, aren't they?

Why is the rum gone? It's Captain Jack Sparrow

The main star of the films is Jack Sparrow, or Captain Jack Sparrow to the purists and fangirls. A drunken, charming, cunning pirate with nice dreadlocks and a goatee to match, Sparrow (also known Mack Swallow) is capable of getting his way out of any given situation - which is surprising, since he spends more time acting silly and spouting funny lines than he does actually trying to escape. Sparrow was originally captain of the infamous pirate ship, Betty, better known as the Black Pearl. However, after he won the pirate lottery and did not win any of the winnings with his crew, he was thrown overboard and left on an island full of pygmies. He escaped by roping some sea turtles (one of the very few facts about him that are true!) and jetskiing his way into the first film. However, he has been accused of the following:

  1. Smuggling endless amounts of Disney merchandise into Hong Kong.j
  2. Somehow stealing a valuable crystal from a museum in London without even entering the building.
  3. Theft of too many things to say including Hitler's brain, the original draft of Macbeth by William Shakespeare, the rare Dark Charizard Pokemon trading card and the Holy Grail, which he later discovered was a counterfeit.
  4. Kidnapping various royals and people.
  5. Flirting with the only female agent of the East India Trading of Tampons Corporation.(EITTC)
  6. Failing to return an overdue library book.
  7. Apparently killing Gandalf the Grey in the first The Lord of the Rings book.
  8. Flagging random videos on YouTube.
  9. Accidentally firing an ice cannonball which left a gaping hole in the side of the Titanic.
  10. Impersonating Captain Hook, The Pope and Dorothy Gale.
  11. Burping in the face of the King of England.
  12. Cruelty to animals - particularly sea turtles, parrots and undead monkeys.
  13. Eating toes of dead people.
  14. Performing unbelievable stunts without a permit.
  15. Being a pirate.

Safe to say he has done a lot of bad things. Arriving in Port Royalpainindaass, Sparrow attempted commendeer a ship, but ended up saving the wretched life of Elizabeth Swann, had a fight with a eunuch blacksmith, thrown in prison, tormented by his former crewmates when they come bombing the port, convinced to save Elizabeth by the eunuch, picks up a crazy crew of homies in Tortuga, goes to Isla Don't Matter, and... just go watch the damn films.

He was played by legendary fan of Marilyn Manson, and Tim Burton's husband, Johnny Depp. Cue screaming fangirls.

Port Royalpainintheass

Half of the first film, Hearse of the Black Curl, takes place on a dull and kind of boring harbour in the middle of the Caribbean. Founded in 0000BC, the port is under the very watchful eyes of Governor Weather-Forecaster Swann, who likes to wear a wig just to keep his head warm. The port is protected by a ridiculously weak fort (built from reinforced cardboard, by the looks of it), with an army of even more ridiculously useless and queer foot soldiers who just stand around wielding rubbish guns. They don't do much, besides look stoned, and dying. Head of the army is Commodore James Noddingofftodreamland, who has a sexy voice, no sense of humour and a cool sword made by the eunuch blacksmith.

Will Turner, The Eunuch Blacksmith

Willturner

Will Turner and his fantastic moustache

During the cross from England to the port, the crew of the HMS Interceptor of Sex Offenders came across a hot sexy boy adrift at sea. Of course, the sailors aboard the Interceptor of Sex Offenders were very enthusiastic to keep such a good looking very young boy. Since he had not name or birth certificate with him, they named him a cliche name, Will Turner. The daughter of Governor Swann, Elizabeth, took him down to the hull of the ship and seduced him into giving her his priceless bottle cap, despite their young ages. Will became a eunuch after that, although he refused to remove his you-know-what. He became a blacksmith, doing all the work for the drunk retard Mr. Brown.

It was later revealed he had been looking for his father when he was found. Jack Sparrow fought him in the blacksmith chamber, only for him to be knocked out by Mr. Brown for disrupting his yoga class. Will later made a bargain with Sparrow to help him save Elizabeth, in return he would release him from prison. After that, Will does little for the rest of the trilogy except be around conviniently to move the story along, kiss Elizabeth multiple times, slowly become a homosexual dreaming about shirtless pirates as time passed. He briefly was reunited with his father, Bootstrap "Jockstrap" Bill. In the final part of At Wikipedia's End, Will proposed to Elizabeth to get married, which they did with a little help from Barbossa. Will, however, got Pwned by Captain Squidward McTentaclybeard. Ironically a twist of events, Squidward died and Will became the new owner of the Frying Dutchman. Conviently, all the crewmates including his father were eunuchs. He renamed the ship, the Frying Eunuchmen.

Run for yours lives! The Kisser of Death has arrived! Elizabeth Swann!

Swan

Elisabeth Swann

No story is complete without an annoying female lead to annoy people. Meet Elizabeth Swann. Although she seems sweet, beneath the exterior, she is a spawn of Satan. Not to mention she dislikes wearing her father's corsets, has no clue about being a pirate and thinks she can get anything she wants through the use of Parley.

Anyway, back to her kiss of death. One touch from her lips and you are a gonner! Every man she has smooched had died including her own father, Sour Fang, James Noddingofftodreamland, Will and Jack. Using this technique, Elizabeth was able to become captain of Sour Fang's ships and later Pirate King of the Brethren Court. Elizabeth, after the whirpool battle in the third film, got married to Will and they somehow had sex, despite the fact Will is a eunuch. Ten years on, Will returned from escorting Chinese tourists across the ocean to Disneyland. He found Elizabeth and their son waiting for him. Will then killed Elizabeth a plank of wood with nail in it and took his son away to travels the seas as a eunuch.

James Noddingofftodreamland

The local law goody goody, James Norrington/Noddingofftodreamland is a strict by-the-book man with a deep voice. He became a Commondoor during the first film, but wasted his role walking around glaring at everybody. He then apparently quit his job after he drove his ship into a hurricane, although he was fired by Sir Alan Sugar for incompetence. Becoming a drunk and local DJ player in Tortuga, Norrington was hired by Jack as a rubbish man. Upon hearing that Jack was looking for the Dead Man's Chest, he started acting like a fanboy to Jack and followed him to Isla Penguin-Gostav to find the chest. Upon the finding of the chest, Norrington revealed his treachery and hid the chest's heart inside his underwear, before handing it over to Cutler Beckett. He had to wash his hands afterwards. He was promoted to Admiral Buttocks by Beckett, but he did not do anything in this role either. He freed Elizabeth and some Chinese tourists from the brig of the Frying Dutchman and helped them escape. However, Will's father, Jockstrap Bill, cornered Norrington and stabbed him with the remains of a mailbox.

Governor Weatherman Swann

The governor of the port, Swann is the father of Elizabeth, although he regretted having her at first when her mother died at childbirth. He likes wearing a judge's wig to keep his head warm and also likes torturing his daughter by making her wear suffocating corsets and locking her in ship cabins. He becomes the slave of Cutler Beckett and later is killed by Mercer by pushing him off a longboat.

Lord Cutler Beckett

The great, great, great, great (and a lot more greats) of George W. Bush, Lord Cutler Beckett is the main antagonist of the series and head of the evil organisation known as the East India Trading Company, also known as SPECTRE. He is a psychopathic, bisexual, tyrant with sadistic and narcissistic tendencies. His goal over the course of the films is to gain control of the Flying Dutchmen and rid the seas of pirates so that he can conquer the Earth and prove his superiority over his arch-rival Emperor Palpatine. He also wants to kill his ex-lover Jack Sparrow for leaving him and becoming straight, thus wounding his megalomaniacal ego. He also intends to seduce Elizabeth Swann to make Jack jealous and prove that he's better at pulling girls than Palpatine. Unfortunately when Beckett kills Elizabeth's father it puts a bit of a strain on their relationship. Among Beckett's many evil deeds are giving up rum in favour of sherry, crashing Will and Elizabeth's wedding, mentally and physically scarring Jack Sparrow and allegedly siring Tony Blair and Bill Gates. Adolf Hitler reportedly once said that Beckett "taught me everyzink I know about being evil." Beckett is also allegedly a friend and confidante of Napoleon, Pinky and the Brain and Lord Voldemort. Beckett claims responsibility for giving Voldemort the idea for his title. Before Beckett suggested "Lord", the Dark Wizard was going for "Captain Voldemort".

The Black Pearl

The ship of the Devil, Marilyn Manson and a large number of captains, the Black Pearl was built in the year 3536 by Christopher Columbus the XXX. It travelled back in time with a little help from Doctor Who and ended up in the Caribbean. However, it was found by the dark forces of Wikipedia and renamed as the Wiki Wench! Jack Sparrow became its captain when he worked for Wikipedia but betrayed them for Uncyclopedia. The ship was sunk by an iceberg but revived by Captain Squidward. Jack was captain for thirteen years, although for only three actually, since the crew tossed him overboard for drinking all the rum.

Captain Hector Barbossa

“Ah, Hector!”
~ Jack Sparrow on Barbossa

Captain Hector Barbossa is the captain of the Black Pearl, well at least one of the thirty captains anyway. He has a scraggily beard, likes prounce "are" as "aarggghhh" and has a cool hat. Some pirates wish to shoot him, cut out his tongue and then shoot the tongue. He has a pet monkey named Jack, who is dead. Barbossa was captain of the Black Pearl after he left Jack (not the monkey) on a desert island for drinking all the rum. He and his crew stole the treasure of Cortez and became skeletons. The crew regained all the coins from the treasure by attacking the Mushroom Kingdom, but one was missing. They attacked Port Royalpainintheass and kidnapped Elizabeth Hellspawn, who had the last coin. Barbossa did a lot of laughing after that but was then shot dead by Jack (not the monkey). Jack (the monkey) survived and remained a skeleton. However, Barbossa was reborn by Tia Dalma and hid in her shack for the whole second film before showing up to do some more laughing. Now a good guy, Barbossa teamed up with Will the Eunuch and Hellspawn to save Jack (not the monkey) from Davy Jones' locker. He did a lot more laughing and argued a lot with Jack (not the monkey). He is one of the Pirate Lords, being the Lord of the Caspian Sea, which is actually a lake. But, of course, nobody cares. He survived the final battle in a sea made of Marmite and stole the Black Pearl again to do some more laughing. Barbossa prides himself on his looks, and is a fashion model to many young aspiring pirates, especially those who read Pirates weekly magazine, which Barbossa has won many fashion awards from, and who also submits many lovely homemade recipes which usually consist of apples.

Rumours abound that Hector Barbossa was having a short affair with Davy Jones, though this is mainly conjecture which has put quite a bit of strain on the already secretive rocky relationship of both Barbossa and Calypso( not much is said on this subject which may also be conjecture). However, both Barbossa and Davy Jones at one point spent a lot of time together on the black pearl, and the paparazzi have reportedly taken certain snapshots of the two pirates, but Barbossa apparently opened up a lawsuit to stop the snapshots going public.

Pintel and Ragetti

Two bumbling pirates who used to star in The Office alongside Ricky Gervais. Also known as Pinhead and Raegae, these two worked with Barbossa, then Jack Sparrow, then Barbossa again. The two are Blingmeisters and rule the world. Pintel likes snarling a lot and displays his teeth. The chap could use a good dentist. Ragetti has a wooden eye which is later replaced by an eyepatch to at least reference to some pirate cliche things. The two are comic relief. After the end of the films, the two became members of Team Rocket.

The Flying Dutchman

The kickass ship that belongs to Davy Jones and his crew of freaky fish guys. It does not fly and was actually not made by the Dutch; it was made by Toys R Us. Thanks to Calypso ditching Davy Jones, he got angry and cursed his ship, turning it into a nightclub for the brainless and psychotic inhabitants of Bikini Bottom. He also brought sailors onboard and forced them to join his crew, although some wanted to join so they could look cool.

Davy Jones

“ If I be wantin' an affair, I'd be 'avin' one in style, not wi' some mutated freak like 'im! Arrrgh”
~ Barbossa, when asked about the rumoured affair between himself and Davy
Davy-Jones-After

Captain Squidward McTentacleybeard in all his full glory!

The secret love child of Darth Vader and Cthulhu, Davy Jones is an evil, sadistic control freak with a beard of tentacles, no redeeming social graces and worst of all, a Scottish accent. He denies all claims of being related to Billy Connolly however. He is the main antagonist of the second film but the third he is demoted to the role of Beckett's bitch. Jones is the captain of the hellish mythical ship known as the Flying Dutchman, the design of which he supposedly got from his father's blueprint for the Death Star. Jones descended into emoism after Calypso, the Goddess of the Sea stood him up on their first date. He took it quite hard, cutting out his heart and dedicating the rest of his immortal life to wreaking pain and suffering. Jones has a habit of tempting mortals into making Faustian deals with him and promising eternal life in exchange for their souls. Satan reportedly complained that Jones was threatening to put him out of business and was allegedly delighted when Jones met his death after being stabbed through the heart and falling into a swirling abyss. The Prince of Darkness did appear at the funeral however to pay his last respects but is said to have burst into a fit of giggles half way through. Jones subsequently came back from the dead and twatted the hell (if you'll pardon the pun) out of Satan for coming onto Calypso. Calypso claims to have thought that a relationship with Jones wouldn't go well because she, being a giant might squash him if they decided to sleep together. He also goes by the name Captain Squidward McTentacleybeard or Captain Limpdicks. He quashes the rumours that he and Barbossa had an affair as "tawtal'ah rawbesh!", and he also denies that Barbossa and Calypso have a thing going on, but then Davy is known to be extremely posessive and obsessive and only selectively hears; he goes deaf when you tell him such things, and blind when even vulgar things are happening in front of his eyes.

Crew Members

  • Spongebob Squarepants - A retarded gurgling seasponge who was the ship's cook for two weeks. Currently deceased after being thrown into the ocean, but is known to return.
  • Patrick Star - A braindead starfish who wears pants. Last seen stranded on an island trying to take his pants back from some turtles.
  • Squidward - Another fish person named Squidward, who has a big nose and no personality. He's still onboard but nobody sees him.
  • Maccus - The shark-like first mate. He has problems trying to figure when to smirk or not. He is the distant cousin of Jaws.
  • Clanker - A puppet-faced crewmate who likes seeing people down on their marrowbones and praying. He carries two chainshot pieces with him and likes cackling.
  • Jimmy Legs - One badass ugly guy who acts as bosun. He likes whipping people's butts.
  • Koleniko - A pufferfish-faced crewmate who shoots out spines when his face inflates.
  • Greenbeard - The ship's helmsman who often throws hissyfits when someone takes over his duty. He has a cabbage for a head.
  • Angler - A mutated Lanturn Pokemon who has turned into a fat, wrinkled thing.


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