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“There's only room for one carnivorous fish in this world!”
“I'm a piranha! They live in the Amazon!”
The piranha is a species of aquatic carnivore native to the blood-red rivers in South America. It may look like something you put in your fish tank, but it is not. Piranhas are fish-like monsters with really big teeth. They are extremely vicious creatures and evil masterminds that are plotting revenge against the world right now. Trust me, they WILL kill you!
Nobody is really sure where the piranha originated, though scientists have come up with many theories.
One theory is that some idiot kept flushing goldfish down his toilet. The sewer pipes led to hell, where the goldfish were possessed by demons. They then swam back up the pipes just when a guy was about to take a dump, eating him alive ass first! It was then the piranhas acquired their taste for flesh.
Another theory is that piranhas are descendants of the grues. As if the grues weren't evil enough, they wanted to evolve into aquatic creatures to bring their terrestrial terror to a new terrain. So they started jumping into the ocean and mating with fish. As a result, piranhas were born.
A third theory is that piranhas are yet another abomination spawned upon our world by mad science.
The piranha is one of the most ridiculous yet evil animals in our world today. It looks like a tiny little fish with jaws that take up its whole body. The piranha may seem to be a mutation of some sort, because it is. But despite its size, it can eat an entire cow within seconds.
There are several subspecies of piranhas. All are out to get you.
Amazon River piranhas: The most common and the most likely type of piranha to kill you.
Ocean piranhas: The most likely type of piranha to kill sharks (But will still Most Likely kill you).
Piranhacondas: These creatures are a combination of the nightmarish anacondas and even more nightmarish piranhas. They have the body of anacondas with the heads of piranhas, because it's scarier than a snake on a fish's body.
Flying piranhas: Like regular piranhas, but with wings. Every year, they are responsible for 1000 bird deaths. They can also break into the windows of planes and eat the pilots, causing plane crashes. They will then eat corpses of passengers and any survivors of the crash.
Legranhas: They call this the Legranha because It's a piranha with legs. Coincidence?
Cloning Piranhas: These are like your regular piranhas... only they have the ability to clone themselves. They do this by storing excess DNA in their bodies and then in time, releasing the DNA via feces which forms into the body of the piranha clone. most of them can breed just 2 or 3 clones while the rest can breed at least a hundred clones.
Piranhasaurus Rex: These creatures are called the Piranhasaurus Rex Because they are the biggest Piranhas that ever lived. They can grow up to Be 25 FRIGGIN FEET BIG! They were frozen in the Ice age 2 million years ago. Unfortunately, the melting arctic released them oonce again. About 7000 live in Florida, Mexico, Cuba, Jamaica, Central America and a few countries at the top of South America.
Piranha Spiders: These creatures are not piranhas but spiders, except they bite until you bleed to death. They grow up to be 6 feet big and have the ability to grow in the dark. They're arms are covered with thousands of tiny hairs that are covered with a glue that they use to stick to humans. They die when they are at least 20 years old, unless they live.
Cranius Piranhas: -These creatures have a very large cranium, so their veins bulge out of their head. They are able to float, throw balls of energy and have telekinetic powers. Their huge brains cause bullies to mistake them for nerds, and underestimating their fearsome nature, they are often the first to be killed.
Piranhas vs Sharks
Contrary to popular belief, piranhas are NOT related to sharks. In fact, piranhas and sharks hate each other.
Piranhas and sharks are savage enemies and will try to kill each other if they so much as appear in the same bar together. The two have been at war since 1982. It began one day, when a shark happened to meet a piranha walking into McDonalds. When the piranha ordered a Triple Big Mac, the shark laughed and questioned how such a tiny fish could eat a meal five times its own size. Angered, the piranha started devouring the shark, reducing him to a cartilage skeleton within a few seconds. For some reason, nobody seemed to notice or care what just happened. The piranha said "The Triple Big Mac can wait. Right now, all sharks must be pwned!". The war was further increased when the piranhas ripped off Jaws and made their own Hollywood crap: Piranhas 3D.
Piranhas also hate barracudas. But they're are not as popular or as hard to pwn as sharks , so you know...
If you are smart, you would know very well that piranhas eat everything. However, there is nothing they enjoy more than cows. The piranha first gained a taste for beef after eating its Triple Big Mac, however it did not like the fact that no burgers exist underwater. As part of an evil plan, the demon fish built a swimming pool for cows, who easily fell into the trap due to their tiny brains.
They eat other things to. Even vegetables (if there is meat wrapped around it). So nobody is safe.
Like %15 of the world's fish, piranhas live in the water. They were first prominent in the Amazon River. The bad news is that piranhas may be expanding their range. They have already swam into the open sea, where they are p'wning massive numbers of
innocent sharks. You know why there aren't any alligators in the sewers? Because the piranhas ate them all! Whatever you do, you must take precautions before getting into the water...or else you will die.
Things that could kill a piranha
If you ever run into a piranha, you have to do something so it doesn't eat you. The only way to stop a piranha from eating you is to kill it. There are only a number of things that could kill a piranha. These are:
- A gun - This is the first choice someone would use for piranha-killing.
- A chainsaw - Especially effective on wooden piranhas, which will stun you with painful splinters before eating you.
- A cross and holy water - A powerful pair of weapons which can kill piranhas easily.
- Garlic - Piranhas hate vegetables, and garlic is a vegetable.
- Chuck Norris - Chuck Norris can easily kick piranha ass.
- A grenade - For extra measure.
- Pepper spray - AHH! MY EYES!
- A machine gun - Like a regular gun but WAY cooler!
- Terminal velocity - known to kill many aquatic beings whenever the mood strikes it.
Piranhas are underway of starting a hostile takeover that could destroy sharks and humans everywhere! We need to prepare for this disaster if we are to survive (are we to survive?). Well, just in case, I decided to type this. I don't know when it will happen (probably after the 2012 Zombie Apocalypse), but if you want to survive the Piranha Apocalypse, then join forces with me, and together we will fight off the piranha menace (or die trying)!
Oh, and don't forget the guns!