Lead pipe

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Leadpipe

Ceci n'est pas un pipe.

“She lacks the indefinable charm of a Lead Pipe.”
~ Oscar Wilde on The Lead Pipe

“I use a lot of these. On Zombies.”
~ Frank West on The Lead pipe
“A lead pipe is one of the most effective murder weapons known to man. Cold, brutal, and good for banging - it reminds me of Miss Scarlet!”
~ Colonel Mustard on The Lead pipe
“Those sexy nurses had these... I didn't care though...”
~ James Sunderland on Lead pipe

Lead pipes are objects conventionally used in channeling liquids. Lead pipes always come before follower pipes. They were used in the plumbing systems until it was found out that lead is poisonous and had a tendency to kill most people who drank water from lead pipes. During their lifetime, they have also been used for many other things; these include badly-weighted boomerangs, murder weapons, practical jokes and the like.

edit In The Spotlight

edit Thrust to Stardom

The lead pipe was thrown to stardom in 1948 by Waddington's famous game, Cluedo, in which it was used as a possible murder weapon. The lead pipe and its co-star Colonel Mustard made several cameo appearances in radio shows, movies and even YouTube. As time went on, the lead pipe became a common household name. Throughout his career he appeared on many talk shows, most notably his appearance on The Daily Show in which he professed on national television his love for screen actress Miss Scarlet Johansson. Unfortunately the lead pipe's time in the spotlight was over as soon as it began and he fell into a deep depression.

edit A Star Falls

As the lead pipe began to lose his fame, both he and Colonel Mustard began to frequent "The Conservatory"; a popular L.A. strip club. The two turned to a life of alcohol and drug abuse until one day they finally struck a new low. The very act which brought the lead pipe it's stardom would in the end be the same act which brought his career to a startling halt. The newspaper headlines read "Colonel Mustard in The Conservatory with the Lead Pipe!" and Fox News ran 24 hour coverage of lead pipe's brutal murder of millionaire Mr. Boddy. The lead pipe stood lost his trial and was convicted for murder.

edit Historic Uses

edit Native Canada

When Christopher Columbus first invented Canada, he populated it with indigenous peoples. As the European settlers began to travel to Canada, they found themselves in a struggle with the natives. The natives found that their meager bows and arrows were useless against the settlers tazer rifles and so developed what is known as a 'peace lead pipe'. The natives would invite the settlers to join them around the fire and share their food, fire-water and hockey cards. As the festivities went on, they would pass around the peace lead pipe as a sign of friendship.

Unbeknownst to the settlers, these pipes would prove fatal. Using this method of lead poisoning, the natives eliminated many settlers. This created a biological warfare between the two nations, resulting in an exchange of diseases which eventually lead to a worldwide spread of smallpox, e-coli, mad cow and The Bubonic Plague.

edit The Industrial Revolution

During this period of rapid growth, corporations found themselves with an overstock of dihydrogen monoxide (DHM), a deadly chemical. Large urban centres such as Sim City needed a way to move the DHM from industrial zones to residential zones without upsetting any of the local residents, or causing a monster to attack. The Lead Pipe was the logical answer. Using the underground view, cities created large subterranean systems to spread the DHM over large areas. Often the lead pipes would travel through water towers. Due to this, DHM flows freely from the taps of almost every home in North America, Europe and Manaan.


edit To Be Confused With

Lead pipes are to be confused with lead pies. However the purpose of lead pies on Earth is currently unknown.

edit See Also

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