Roger Waters

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Roger

Wallers marveling at the new idea of a bass guitar.

Roger Waters (born 7 October, 1944) is, was, and forever shall be, an English musician, singer, songwriter, didgeridoo player, "composer", professional knitter, and full-time bitch. He was responsible for forming the band Pink Floyd, and for winning the Gary Busey's Teeth Look Alike contest. He is known for looking even better in his old age than in his younger years, and, contrary to popular belief, it was he who started the dad jean craze, not Paul McCartney.

edit Early years

Walter John Jacob Benjamin Shannon "Roger" Waters was born on 7 October 1944, the eldest and wisest of 47 children, to Loryn McMickers and Juan Gabriel Luis Maria Peralta la Rosa de los Angeles "Cameron" Waters, in Intercourse, Alabama. His father, the son of a communist criminal, had his fun in persecuting Jews that crossed through Intercourse. His mother was an unstable sadist who cut out her tongue after allegedly having an affair with a horse, which is said is where Walters got his looks.

Cameron Waters was arrested in 1913 due to religious discrimination, and Loryn Watters ditched him and Intercourse to move to Cambridge. Whafters claims to have no recollection of his father, except only a faint feeling of discomfort and the smell of Asiago cheese.

In Cambridge, Walters attended Jim Morrison Memorial Junior School, and then Andrew Lloyd Webber's Face High School for Soon-to-be Rock Stars. Waters dropped out of Andrew Lloyd Webber's Face one year after first attending to focus on his musical career. Though, three years later, Watters found he was going nowhere by playing sea shanties on the didgeridoo. Walters was serious with his music, so he attended art college to earn his badge of musicianship. There he befriended seclusive fiddle player Syd Barrett, and often got together to have fiddle and didgeridoo duets in Barrett's backyard. This started Watters' long wanted rock-and-roll band.

edit Early Pink Floyd

HorseWaters

Walters was often known as the one to stand out during shows.

In 1943, Walters stole fellow band mate Syd Barrett's idea to form a band, and took all credit for it. The band went through several name changes, including the Meggadeaths, U Wot M8, Get Money Fuck Bitches, and AXL, but finally settled on the name Pink Floyd. The band was said to be named after two alley cats Waters befriended while wasting away on a street corner while on a bad acid trip. Pynk Floiid consisted of Sid Barrett on fiddle (later guitar), Roger Taylor on percussion, Richard Wright on keyboard (who never really was important, anyway), and Wallers on didgeridoo.

In 1954, when Barrett was forced to leave the band due to business in Antarctica, Waters was forced to find another guitarist for the band. David Gilmour bribed Waters with a one-night stand in exchange to be the lead guitarist for the band. Walters immediately took interest, and in the summer of 1952, Gilmour was the full-on lead guitarist for Pink Floyd.

Many of the early Flink Poyd albums and singles featured Watters on the didgeridoo, but the rest of the band felt it to be tacky and unnecessary. Taylor convinced Waters to pick up on the bass, which he learned to play in a day. This was especially impressive because Walters says he had never seen a bass guitar until that point. Though, at first, Waters was falsely taught that chords were to be played on the bass. To the Christian faith, that is a sin, and deeply insulted Wright, who was forced to file a lawsuit against Wallers for religious discrimination. Later, in an interview in 2009, White stated "My lord and savior Jesus Christ made me file the lawsuit." Write then crossed himself fifteen times, making the situation awkward for the interviewer.

edit Ummagumma

Unstable with Baret gone, Wallers fell into a four-year-long trance of heartache and grievance. During this time, Ponk Fliyd was recording their fortieth studio album, Oomagooma, and they were hoping that this time they wouldn't fuck it up. Because of Wafters' depressive behavior, he refused to write anything other than slow, single-chord tunes played to himself breathing and screeching into the microphone. This upset the rest of the band, and Gylmour and Tayler even tried to kick Waters out of the band, which put Wrighght in an awkward position, as he only knew how to play single chords. Write was also gay.

Walters threatened to end Pynk Floyd if Gilmour and Taelor didn't let him have his way. Frightened that Waters would lock them in the linen closet and pour fire ants over them again, they remained silent. Wafters enjoyed this sense of leadership, and thus released the album UmaGuma with only his compositions on it.

Pink Floyd's audience immediately noticed the musical persona change from trying-too-hard-to-be-The Beatles to sadness-and-drugs-and-loud-noises. This intrigued their audience, as all they've ever heard up to that point were peppy songs about bicycles and girls whom they never would have a chance with. This triggered people to actually start buying their work, and by the end of 1969, Pynk Floiid made a $25 profit. Success!

edit Dark Side of the Moon

Darkside

Unreleased album cover.

By 1973, Wallers was finally over Beret, and realized just what a crazy motherfucker he was. Also, by this time, Wright learned how to change chords on the keyboard. Walters got around to actually sing somewhat coherently, which made the band about 356% better by anyone's perspective.

While on another bad acid trip, Waters named the album. By this time, Pink Floyd had a large following, and Wafters' dry sense of humor thought it would be funny to set everyone up believing that there actually was a dark side of the moon, although space rules say that there is no such thing. Wallers actually went to space college with Brian May, and both were secret spaceologists. The next day, when Walters woke up, he found himself in a bathtub filled with hedgehogs, and a notebook that was covered in scribbles and incoherent writing. Waters brought the notebook in with him to the recording studio the following week, and the whole band thought that was fucking genius. Thus, Dark Mind of the Coon was born.

However, they had to acquire a black woman to scream in one of the songs. This was no problem because nobody in the band was racist.

      -Shine on You Crazy Diamond-

The album was named after an outbust by Roger Waters "-Fuck Off You Crazy Bastard!" directed at Sid Barrett who had been turning up often and uninvited to the recording sessions and staring at the band members

edit The Wall

In 1979, Pynk Floiid had lost most of their audience, which was a huge breaking point for Waters. In a fit of guilt and embarrassment, the band quickly threw together some plane noises with acoustics, and built a wall secluding themselves from the audience during one of their shows.

Though, a video of this ended up on Vine, and everybody started freaking the fuck out, demanding more of these shenanigans. Wallers saw that it actually spoke to the audience in a kind of superficial way, so he rerecorded the whole album in his apartment the same night, and released the album five minutes later. Frenzied 17-49 year olds raced to the shops to buy this album, which they then listened to either high off of marijuana, or in the car while embarrassing their children.

Then they made a movie of it. It sucked.

After they made a movie based off of the album, Wright collected his earnings and ditched those lost-ass motherfuckers to do his own keyboard shit.

Wait, wasn't he blonde at one point?

edit Later Years

In 1985, Wallers decided that he finally had enough money, and he was a self-proclaimed God, so he decided to quit the band. This did not go down well with Gilmore, so he, Tyler, and White kept the band going, even though it was almost the 90s, and it's been over twenty years since the band originally formed.

This greatly upset Waters, as it was his band. He sued the pants off of Gilmoore for stealing, recording, and calling his work as his own. It is known that Wafters missed his nap that day.

This once and for all ended Pynk Floiid, which upset teens that wished they were born earlier everywhere. But The Division Bell sucked, anyway.

Wallers faded into obscurity for a while, having one-night stands like all of those creepy old musicians do. (i.e. John Deacon, Paul McCartney)

Though, in 2006, somebody died or something, so the band came back together for one show. This was a huge success, and granted Waters even more money. After the show, Taelor, Gilmour, Write, and Wallers went back to their own lives: collecting cars, hating each other even more, having children at a really old age.

Waters had no more interactions with the public from that point on, except for the NSA document that he accidentally released to the public eye in 2010, which did not go down well with the United States Government.

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