Pingu
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“He's an inspiration to us all, be we feathery or hairless.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Pingu
“NUG, NUG! N**!”
~ Pingu on his military career
“In all probability, Pingu has less then twelve testicles, a face and the name Pingu.”
~ Captain Obvious on Pingu
Admiral Pingu J. Penguin (1964-) is regarded by many as one of the greatest faces in military history[1], has had a long and extremely successful life[2], and is now known as the "greatest admiral the world has ever seen"[3].
Contents |
[edit] Pingu: A Biography
Pingu was born in an igloo in 1964 and was often beaten by his angry, drug-abusing father. Pingu was born with several tragic speech disorders, one of which is the "megaphone-like beak" gesture and "NUG, NUG!" sound to indicate anger, frustration or to get attention, or possibly because he is having a seizure.
As a result of his abused mother and angry father, Pingu left Antarctica for the USA in 1973, and joined the Army soon after. Although initially serving as a private in the US Marines, Pingu's obidience and tactical ingineuty let to swift promotions and Pingu climbed through the ranks. In 1995, Pingu left the USA to serve under the command of his home country in Antarcitca, and joined the Imperial Penguin Army. It was here that Pingu proved his mantle, and was quickly given command of a light destroyer, the AS Herring.
During routine patrols, a submarine mine severely damaged the Herring, and Pingu served some time as a lieutenant on an aircraft carrier before promotion to Admiral in 1993. Sadly, Pingu's grandfather died soonafter, and Pingu was put on leave to mourn his departed grandfather.
Pingu's greatest moment, many historians agree, was during the Invasion of Uncyclopedia, where he led the Army into attack, and only suffered sixty casualties and three deaths.
Pingu is currently on extended holiday in Switzerland, where a group of TV producers on drugs have created a documentary about young Pingu's early life and the experiences that proved him a true leader.
[edit] Family and Friends
luke Jones Luke Jones is gay and fuks little dogs
- Pinga is Pingu's little sister. She is currently in boot camp as a cadet, and will serve in Iraq once she gets the chance. As of 2008, she is 18 and pregnant with her first child, refusing to have an abortion.
- Ben. Pingu's brother, the happy one who is a druggy/postman just like his father.
- Mother and Father. Pingu's father is a postman and partime drug dealer. As such, he constantly smokes bongs and is always loaded. He has a motorised sledge to deliver the post and drugs all across Antarctica. Pingu's mother spends most of her time at home in the igloo and chained the stove by her drunken husband. When Pingu was five, Father made Mother do a lot of the work in the home e.g. knitting, cooking and ironing while he got drunk at the bar. Nothing much has changed.
- Grandpa is Pingu's grandfather. He's a whiz at playing the accordion and getting laid. He died in 1993. Pingu wept for days and wet himself.
- Connor Buck the sexy one of the imperial penguion army his large penis and ever lasting sperm crashing down the gates of hell and melts thwe eyeas of the devil he also has great hair and lick alot of fanny
- Daniel Brody is Pingu's jealous fan. He mastutbates over Pingu every night and injects heroin into his penis.
- Robby the seal is Pingu's best friend, but is confused by his budding sexuality. His name is a pun; 'Robby' is High German for 'massive transvestite'. When Pingu returned on leave, he discovered that Robbie had taken to cross-dressing and worked as a waiter at the local cafe.
- Pingi is Pingu's girlfriend, though little does he know that she's basically been laid by many of his friends since his abscence, even the Fucking Scary Red Walrus™.
- Pingo is a friend of Pingu. He has a long phallic beak. He usually tries to get Pingu to do wild and silly things, such as baiting hookers on the Ross Ice Shelf.
- Punki is another of Pingu's friends. He's emo and slits his flippers while listening to Fallout Boy. He committed suicide in 1992.
- The Fucking Scary Red Walrus™ The giant walrus that randomly pops up and scares civilians. The whereabouts of the FSRW™ are currently unknown, though scientists have theorized that a combination of global warming and banning his episode off the air may have brought about his death.
- Nazi is a friend of Pingu who appears in only two episodes, Pingu the rascist and Pingu the homophobe. They were both banned because in each one Pingu can be seen drinking something that looks like alcohol. Nazi is a penguin, and despite his title he is actually a Nazi, not a communist.
[edit] Episodes
- Pinga is Born
Mother forgot about what happened in Las Vegas. Hilarity ensues.
- Pingu is Jealous
Mother acts like a bitch. Pingu acts like he's got epilipsy. Pinga throws up everywhere.
- Pingu goes Fishing
Pingu tries his hand at fishing, but Robbie keeps stealing food from him. After Pingu calls him a dick, Robbie cries because "he hasn't made up his mind yet".
- Pingu's Lavatory Story
Pingu and Pinga go to the bar for some hits. But then Pinga tinkles on the ground and is sent home. But when Pingu gets home he decides to take a piss on the floor, and the father finds out, leading into total corporal punishment for Pingu.
- Pingu's Dream
Pingu sneaks one of his father's bong's before bed and has an encounter with the Fucking Scary Red Walrus™.
- Pingu's Circus
Pingu tries to run away to the circus but is scared by the clowns and wets himself.
- Pingu Runs Away
Pingu tries to join an orphanage but is given the boot after a week. A kindly popstar approaching her 50s pays a heck of a lot of money, sings some shit about a virgin and then grabs Pingu and runs.
- Pingu's Birthday
Pingu turns 50 and throws a birthday party with his friends. But things take a turn for the worse when they discover the candle on Pingu's birthday cake is posessed!
- Pingu and the Organ Grinder
Pingu takes a co-op program as an organ grinder, but quits soon after. Oscar Wilde guest stars!
- Pingu in Charge
Pingu tries to create a dictatorship, and fails spectacularily after the U.S. 'liberate' the people of Antarctica from its communist master.
- Grandpa is ill
Pingu's Grandpa is sick so Pingu, Pinga and Mother go to his house to help him. Pingu then devises a plan to fake his own illness so that mother looks after Pingu instead of Grandpa, hoping that Grandpa will die and Pingu can collect the inheritance. Pingu's mother joins in on the act once she realises that most of the inheritance will go to her and not Pingu.
- Pingu Has Sex
Pingu has "totally consenting sex" with Jeremy Clarkson, Amy Winehouse and that guy who wrote "South Park". Unfortunately, a hemorrhoids issue, a rather graphic copy of "Time" magazine from 1987 and a rape alarm caused the fun to end rather quickly.
- Grand Theft Pingu
Pingu is an immigrant from South East Oceania. Exiled by The Party and Big Brother and even that Winston guy who had sex with a 23 year old in the book, he has travelled far and wide carrying that red and white checkered hankie attached to a stick with all his shit in it and has finally reached Iceland.
Here, Pingu is faced with the mean streets of Iceland. Gangs of what are called "Blue Seals" to the left of him, phallic-beaked enemy penguins to the right, here he is stuck in the middle with that girlfriend he's far too young to have. He must destroy enemy penguins with his "nug-nug" beak to survive and, ultimately, get the hooker at the end. Can he do it?
- Pingu Goes Gay
It is a little-known fact but Pingu has always had a crush on that blue seal. The girlfriend you always saw him walking around with was actually a cover-up for his madly gay inner feelings. This film cannot be rated.
- Pingu The Communist
Don't ask why but Americans have always taken a dim view of Pingu: he comes from a cold country with no free market. That spells trouble.
- Pingu Goes On The Jeremy Kyle Show (or Maury for Americans)
Pingu has doubts as to the paternity of his 3 year old daughter that he illicitly had with sister Pinga in a one-night stand against his on-off girlfriend Pingi. He reckons that in the 3 years he was with Pinga (even though it was a one-night stand: already his story is cracking), Pinga slept with over 9000 men. Which one fathered the daughter? Find out if you can!
- Pingu Loses His Third Nipple
Pingu loses his notorious third nipple while surfboarding in Mother Russia (see Pingu The Communist). He then goes on an epic quest to regain his nipple which takes him across the globe. Meanwhile, unaware of the situation, Pingu's father takes up an art class where he begins his first ever love affair with a panda.
- Pingu And The Lolicon Porn Site
Plot very similar (if not identical) to Pingu is Jealous.
