Pinball

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“Pinball is a lot like golf ... except the exact opposite, as you're trying to keep the ball OUT of the hole ...”

~ Oscar Wilde on Pinball

“DING DING DING DING WOOOOOP WOOOOOP WOOOOOP WAAK WAAK WAAK OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW”

~ A pinball machine on Pinball

“Rock go boing when hit log! ME MAKE MILLIONS SELLING AS GAME!!”

~ Oof, prehistoric father of modern pinball on his invention

“That deaf, dumb, blind kid sure plays a mean pinball!”

~ The Who on The Pinball Wizard

Pinball is a recreational sport involving two or more spoons and a super ball (preferably bouncy), though in some cases the super ball can be replaced with a meatball, allowing it to be eaten using the spoons at the end of the game. The object of the game is to force the super ball to behave in such a way so that it goes in between the two spoons. There are objects to aid this, such as the outlanes and a giant gap in between the flippers. Once the player succeeds in getting three balls into the central hole (sometimes referred to as the drain), they "win" the game. If you're extremely unlucky you may have to drain the ball more than three times, in the case of getting an "Extra Ball", which is a severe medical disorder and should be amputated as soon as possible.

[edit] Strategy

Because pinball is purely a game of chance, there is no strategy. It even takes luck to find the start button, which can be quite tricky to newcomers. In many cases, new players will try virtually all objects resembling a button on the machine, with the exception of the bright yellow flashing one labeled "Start."

What matters when playing pinball is how you can strategically affect your luck using the flippers. According to professional designers, flippers come in three basic categories: too small to be of much use, large and bulky and weak, and a third size that would be perfect if it hadn't snapped in half before you got to play. Learn to use them extensively, and soon - this coupled with showing good sportsmanship by cheating only when necessary - you'll be a pro at playing pinball.

[edit] The "Machine"

The pinball "machine" is actually an animal, related to the horse. They are enslaved by arcades and shopping malls which is why you often see them attached to long chains. To win the game you must pleasure the beast.

1. Insert a massive amount of quarters into the little slot or "mouth". These give the pinball machine the necessary protein it needs to live and operate. Usually between 12 and 15 quarters will do for one game.
2. Pull the machine's plunger handle. This will make it sexually aroused and will make the game that much more intense as this handle is actually ... never mind, you get the idea.
3. Hammer the buttons on the sides of the machine to make the flippers wave frantically inside the machine. These flippers are the only form of immune control the "machine" has so it is symbiotic relationship with the player.

If the ball goes into the hole at the bottom of the machine, the machine will ingest the ball, to which it is allergic. Contact poison control immediately.

Some animal rights protestors have called for the release of all pinball “machines”. These people are ridiculous and forget that if released into the wild the “machines” would simply choke to death.

[edit] History

A scientist's very detailed mathematically-accurate diagram of how the historic discovery of pinball is believed to have taken place.

The game of pinball was invented in about 986,427 BC by a caveman named Oof. He was playing with himself tennis atop a mountain when suddenly a boulder began to chase him, and he was forced to run down the mountainside. A second boulder moving at a higher velocity passed him up on his right moments before he leapt over a tree trunk lying on the ground propped against a rock, and the smaller boulder made contact with the tree, causing it to spin in the direction of the boulder and send it flying back up the mountain. This was the first time a ball was ever hit by a flipper, and nerds and kids with nothing better to spend their money on all around the world have been doing it ever since. Somewhere near the location where Oof made this discovery, a bird made a "WOOOOP WOOOOP WOOOOP" noise just after the tree trunk collided with the boulder, which is how pinball got its weird sound effects.

[edit] Controversy

Some people believe that the game of bowling should be renamed "pinball" because it involves pins and a ball while modern pinball involves balls and flippers. If bowling were renamed, however, pinball would have to be renamed as well. Because "Flipperball" sounds more like something having to do with horribly intimate interaction with 90's movie-star dolphins than a drug-like game involving showing a tiny sphere who's boss using a pair of whacking rods, however, the proposal of this name change has been rejected time and time again. After that matter was discussed, Pinball decided to install tape recorders in the Watergate Hotel. Darn that Nixon for getting the idea first!

[edit] The Future of Pinball

Because of more successful games out there like monopoly, pinball has been fading in popularity. Currently there are only 3,242,542.2 pinball manufacturers left, although that number is predicted to fall to 1 by the year 1999. Over the years, new methods of play have been developed to attract new players. One example of this is when they changed the objective from trying to lose all your balls (there have been some lawsuit cases over this) to a different one, where a player simply tries to "get points". This worked out at the beginning, but in the end, the ball seemed to always go through the hole at the bottom anyway, making people sad.