From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Pillow comes from the Latin word,"Pill-Ow" which means,"Beginner's Item". Pillows have many uses such as sleeping on, fighting, smuggling drugs and occasionally, used as an alternative for firewood. Pillows are commonly used worldwide because of their ability to elevate a person's head. Because of this, they make a good alternative to drugs.
The pillow's origins are traced back to Klingons who were thought to have spread the pillow through the universe after it's incredible success against the Romulans during the Battle of Waterloo, although it's use as a weapon in interstellar combat diminished with the advent of spaceships, and directed energy weapons, and the resulting discovery that the pillow had actually dealt no damage.
edit Anglo-Saxon Use
However, the Anglo-Saxons were able to utilize the pillow extensively, and it is believed in some circles that the Sutton Hoo burial site is not a burial site at all, but a ship that had been moved by the incredible undiscovered powers of the pillow. Further evidence has suggested that the pillow's first use in this regard was performed either by Leonardo Da Vinci or by Oscar Wilde--both of whom were in possession of time machines capable of traversing such temporal differences.
edit Roman Use
The Roman's first invasion of Britain was unsuccessful precisely because of the Anglo-Saxon mastery of Pillow Combat. The Roman Legions under Caesar were simply unable to penetrate the pillows with their weapons, and were quickly countered by the fast-moving cavalry along their flank, who were riding their pillows into combat.
edit Oriental Use
The Asian countries saw little future in the pillow as a melee weapon because of it's clumsiness and because it wasn't made of anything folded. The katana was thought to be capable of bisecting a pillow, but it was not--it is fortunate for them that the Anglo-Saxons never engaged in a war with them.
Used as a melee weapon, the pillow deals 1d4-1 damage because of its lack of structural integrity. It has hardness 2, and 4 hit points. It is vulnerable to fire, but immune to cold. However, the true power of the the pillow lies within its capabilities as a ranged weapon. It is actually a zero-point spatial singularity capable of producing immense amounts of energy if used properly. Similar to the Quantum Torpedo, the pillow operates by imposing zero distance between an 11-dimensional universe and a 26-dimensional universe, thus producing an immense amount of energy released in a localized environment.
edit Modern Day Pillows
Although pillows have a vast history in human warfare, with the invention of better ways to kill people, pillows have been phased out of modern military practice. These days pillows are a favourite amongst mothers with post-mortem depression. They cover their newborn's face with a pillow and apply substantial pressure for 5 minutes. This practice was made popular by Sarah Palin who famously said "If you can't be fucked, smother it with a pillow". The babies are then sold to hospitals so that those babies that have been dropped by doctors or nurses can be swapped with asphyxiated ones so as not to raise suspicion.
Another use for pillows is a decoy against The 9 Nazgûl or Ringwraiths. If one fears they are about to be attacked by Nazgûl one simply has to place pillows under his bedsheets and exit the house. If you do not predict the attack your fucked.
Pillows can also be used as to make one appear fatter. Santa uses them during public appearances after his doctor stressed he must lose weight or suffer explosive diarrhoea and possible skid marks for the rest of his life. Formerly Santa had just cut a hole in his sled to let the excrement drop from miles above earth but this caused several deaths and more importantly loss of dignity. No one wants to lie dead in the gutter covered in shit unless your Sarah Palin who also famously said "Sex is better if your covered in shit, death is better if your covered in someone elses shit". Whilst this paragraph may seem off topic it is crucial that people realize the importance pillows have in all aspects of Sarah Palin's life. From shoving them into her ass, using them to wipe her cavernous ass and recommending them to her pregnant daughter.