Pikey

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“Gypsies don't believe in ceilings”
~ Average Man on Gypsies
“I fucking hate Pikies”
~ Oscar Wilde on Pikies
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For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Pikey.

Pikey literally translates to mean 'Filthy rude inbred shit',or "fat,tax averting, robbers who resort to violence and lack of personal hygiene as a way through life". A rough equivalent to a gypsy esp. in the UK. All pikeys come from, thieving inbred scum, and the term refers to a "special" human and thieving stinking monkey hybrid, with a fake semi Irish/Pikey accent, that will open any door provided there's enough value hidden behind it.


Pikeys have many evolutionary characteristics, such as gelled hair, wearing shirts with tight jeans or trackies and loafers, and a strange mental condition causing them to threaten everyone around them except their relatives/brethren (all other pikeys). They also have a propensity for breeding with under age girls, and dropping as many babies as possible before the age of 20.


Other names for Pikeys include: gypsies, gippos, gippolattas, gippopotamuses, Fairground and Arcade Operators. ALL PIKEYS MUST BE SHOT ON SIGHT UNDER ENGLISH LAW! disobey this law and you should be locked in a cage of vicious pikeys that have not attacked anyone in five months. It is unlikely that you will come out alive.


Where They Live

This breed of Homosapien live in large packs in areas that are usually owned by Local Councils across The United Kingdom. In these areas in which these lesser minded, used microwave stealing, fuckheads live, there are a number of grotty cabin type things called ´Caravans´ that these ´Pikeys´ use for accomidation. Over time the Local Councils across The United Kingdom are forced to move the ´Vermin´ from the area/site that they have chosen to vacate, causing vast amounts of unrest in the ´Pikey´ Community, leading to riots and several killings. Once the ´Pikeys´ have been moved from the area they then go one to vacate another area that they are not legally allowed to be on and so the cycle of movement continues.

Definition and characteristics

Pikeysign

Approach with caution. Actually I'm scared of 'em. Pikeys are usually found in the deeper parts of woods, burning tyres, etc. Very closely related to beggars, except without the dignity. They 'Pikey' is usually French, Welsh or from some other country apart from England. The reason for this is unknown, however intense research into the elusive species is in motion as we speak. Pikeys can be easily picked out from a group of normal people by the grunts that they use to communicate. They are known to do some strange sort of ritual around crude fires as some sort of ceremony.

Pikeys are a herd animal, and actually only ever travel in groups of 3 or more. When spoken to or approached by ordinary members of the public like myself, they surprisingly respond with a threat of violence and action on the part of their immediate family, i.e. brothers and cousins (exponential). Cannot explain this. The Pikey tribe usually sets-up its caravan community on private land, ignoring landowner rights, severely annoying the local (decent, tax paying, law abiding) citizens, and somehow dodging legal action. When the pikey individuals have got bored of shoplifting, vandalism, and harassment in the local area, the tribe will move on. The land on which the pikeys set up camp will be left resembling a landfill site, with features such as;

  • burnt out cars
  • piles of rubbish
  • soiled articles of clothing
  • remains of stolen electrical appliances
  • charred campfire areas
  • pungent aroma of shit
  • child on a leash tied to a gate


The previously inhabited land will be left completely lifeless and deadly to all other life forms allowing the Pikeys to return to the same site year after year without fear of it being turned into a childrens hospital or something else that would help or benefit human existence. Pikeys are born with distinct skills and traits. However they actually have very limited mental and physical skill (and gene pool) due to generations of inbreeding. Their future occupation is governed solely by their parent trade, being one of the staple disciplines of driveway tarmaccing, theft, or disregarding planning laws and tax. The last condition has baffled many scientists as pikies still expect free public services.

For the majority, travel is undertaken in Ford Transit vans only. The model must be the latest and colour must be silver. The style (and act) of driving is a traditional art, taught from a young age.

Some examples of their self-honoured code include:

  • Windows must be wound at least half way down
  • Poor house/dance music must be played at a volume of over or including 170 decibels
  • Abusive comments MUST be hurled at passers by who dare to look at the van
  • All beverages consumed must be at least 12% vol.

Some young pikeys (MajorClarks) may use buses as a way of travel, but also of honing their abusive social skills. This act of bus travel is a rite of passage, often celebrated in their culture.

Pikeys are unfortunately a pest to society. They are particularly renowned throughout the England, with large and problematic settlements in Orton, near Appleby,(a world famous horse/pikey sale is held here annually) back to da point they settle at Surrey, Heysham among other places and they are prone to supporting Gillingham . Also in various places in Ireland namely Your house, Teh backzorz, and various bogs.

Suggested solutions from notorious circus ring master Tony Blair, include carpet bombing settlements, use of the SAS, lethal injections and Team America.

Pikey Fishin'

Gypsy!

Pikeys curse backfires, are attacked by giant insects.

Like their namesake the pikes, Pikeys can be fished. The tool with which to fish is obviously first and foremost the pike, from whence the name pike and pikey originate. (Pikey derives from the old English "pike" meaning "pike" because the unfortunate teeth and lack of social manners of the fish in question resemble to a tee those of the pikey scum. The best thing to do while pikey fishing for success is using bait, such as:

  • A fourteen year old girl in elasticated "trackies", ready to become pregnant and spawn
  • "Gold" jewellery (actually any metal, just spray painted)
  • Spray paint
  • Tramps to "deck"
  • Someone of a different sexuality
  • Someone of a different ethnic origin
  • Links
  • The dole
  • An untarmacked driveway
  • A pair of trainers. If you are truly desperate for a catch, throw out an old mattress and they'll soon come!

Once baited the pikey has its jewellery removed, its eyes removed and then is gutted, and dies from lack of bling. Unfortunately it is inedible. Seriously. Who could eat pikey? except for those overly obese people who will eat anything for laughs.

Pikey language

Pikey vocabulary and language is vastly dissimilar to English. For example, the pronouns in English are

Pikey:

  • i,
  • you,
  • he,
  • she,
  • it,
  • we,
  • you,
  • they.
  • van/pickup truck
  • sibling (brother)
  • look chaps
  • anything
  • no
  • fit
  • yes
  • mother

The direct pikey translation for the same sequence is:

  • me,
  • mate,
  • 'im,
  • 'er,
  • da,
  • us,
  • bheys,
  • dem.
  • tippidid
  • nuvver bruva
  • whoop madey
  • nuf
  • naan
  • buff ting
  • yeop
  • me-ma (can also mean sister as they are the same thing)
  • fight 'ya fo' 'ya laces boii


Examples include "Ahh eys up mate, wanna boy a CD player fa ya wheels, 50 bar. Me maaaa's in 'ospital an er needs some fags". This Phrase roughly translates to "Greetings good sir, could I interest you in the purchase of this CD player that I have just stolen from your car? It's only £50, and I require the funds from this purchase in order to purchase some Mayfair cigarettes for my good mother who is currently in hospital dying of lung cancer"

  • "Minging"= ready for insemination and pregnancy
  • "Trackies"= trousers for easy removal for public excretion or other acts
  • "Mate"= Someone you steal off behind their back
  • "Estate"= Fiefdom
  • "A Pimped up ride"= A rubbish car with the décor of cretins.

A more economically advanced pikey may quote a line from whatever VHS video he has managed to shoplift from the 99p bargain bin at ASDA Wallmart.

Pikey areas of interest BEWARE

Jipo

Always discriminate against pikeys.

Pikeys or (gypsies) areas of interest are most commonly scrapyards, car breakers, etc. This is due to China having raised the demand for scrap alloy in recent months. If you ever have to place yourself in the vicinity of one of these areas BEWARE and at all costs protect yourself from theft, car crime, or any scum pikey type antics involving the theft of non-ferrous metals! They'll try to take the gold links out of your watch if you stood still long enough!

In a scrapyard it is common to find a pikey. Do not confuse a pikey with the cockney chav that runs the place, they are very similar in appearance. Pikeys usually loiter around these areas in the attempt to steal alloy type metal (or any non-ferrous materials) which they can later re-sell back to the scrap dealer. If you should here "whoop madey, lookided at dall thee aldim dare be in dis yard" this basically means "look fellow traveller there appears to be aluminium which we can steal and re-sell for money" Alert the cockney chav immediately! A grunt and pointing in the general direction of the scum pikey thiefs is usually enough, if this fails to alert him a shout of "Wer mate old dids are on the scrounge!" will definitely cause him to take action! It is advised to leave and get to safe ground at this point!

Pikeys have many other areas they will hang around in the hope for gaining scrap - they have even been known to knock on a unsuspecting member of the public's front door and ask "oi der madey weed took away all or yar brokedid clof washers? Gottidid nuf? This means "hello sir if you currently have any old washing machines etc we will dispose of them for you" DO NOT ALLOW THEM TO TAKE IT! This will result in you becoming their new friend and they will return every day thinking you have more scrap and crap for them to take away.

Car wheels and exhaust systems are the new hot area of theft for our pikey friends Beware of this. If you should see a Transit tipper hanging about near you house keep a close eye on you car! Whilst i'm talking of cars, be sure to keep your car (should you have one) regularly washed and moved about the drive. As if a vehicle sits for over a week, a pikey will see this as abandoned and feel he needs to take it away to gain money for scrap! So be warned if you feel your going to be green and bike to work, you could end up car less. Terms used "oldied moter madey? i's puttin on moi tippidid giti it gone!" Translation "Is that a old unused vehicle? I'll load that on my van and take it away if you wish?" Should they ask you this just simply reply NO!

They also tend to gather at Appleby Horse Fair (or Pikeystan) where they clog up the A66 on the way there with their Transit tippers (nicked) caravans (nicked) and codged tipper vans with Ifor Williams cattle trailer frames on because they haven't worked out how to nick horse trailers. At the Horse Fair they try to sell the horses and to trade scrap. In recent years it has been recognised that a pikey's staus symbol is the amount of pushbikes and scrap that they can pile onto their tippers. Around this time of year you can see most pikeys on roadsides for weeks, waiting for the fair hill to open, they go their for about 3 days then come back to the roadsides and cause more havoc. Bastards!


Places A Pikey Can't Go

Pikeys are believed to not be able to enter a library as they will crumble into dust. Nor can they go within five metres of a shower, bath or anything that contains soap or water. I have no evidence for any of that which is why I won't be checking.

Pikeys also cannot approach government buildings, such as the White house, Westminster Abbey or any other national parliament. This is because they would have to obey rules for once, which they normally don't because the government isn't looking. However under the harsh welfare budget cutting glare of the politician, Pikey's tend to explode into flames, or in extreme cases, get a job. Another reason is that the parliamentary guards that hang around most of these buildings would shoot them on sight.

Origins

Pikeys supposedly originated as travellers in and from the Worcestershire town of Evesham.

Speech

The formal pikey greeting is 'ah boiiii', pronounced 'a-boy'

The Life Cycle

Pikeys look the same all through their lives. But there is actually a complex lifecycle complete with scientific names. 1.Jiplet - a baby pikey - usually mistreated to become a pikey 2.Jipling - a 5-9 year old with disgusting manners and who thinks they are hard. 3.Jippo - a tennagish jippo who constantly threatens to knock you "spark out" 4. Jip - A somewhat older and more threatening Jippo 5. A Pikey - Also know as the original "Gypsie" The final stage - Rude, abrasive tax averting robbers. (watch out for these ones, they are the most dangerous!)

Famous Gypsy Dwellings

One of the more famous Gypsy camps is in a town called Stourport-on-severn, where most gypsys go to get scrapmetal otherwise known as wrought iron to weigh in. Common phrases for Gypsys in Stourport include: "Weigh it in!" "Scrap!" "What you say about me mam!?"

Noteable gypsies from Stourport include: Peebob (originates from stealing peas) and Shane Jones.

Arcade & Amusement Pikeys

These are some of the worst scum of them all. Never enter an amusement arcade run by a Pikey (most of them are) They are especially prevalent in South West Cornwall and its seaside resorts for some reason. If you thought Travelling Pikeys were rude obnoxious selfish thieves, they have absolutely nothing on the Amusement Pikey. Their fruit machines are all fixed to scam the tourists and the locals alike, their prize cranes don't pick up prizes and their ticket redemption machines are total scam. This sort of Pikey will have the gold fillings out of your teeth faster than you can say "Oy!this machine is fixed".


This mob are just as evil and obnoxious as their travelling brethren, and will almost certainly be happy to change your real pound coins for forged ones and change the rest of your money for nine bob notes (which they are as bent as) in their deluxe change booth. You can spot this by the tacky flashing change sign written in several languages (except Pikey) and several of the languages that are on there will have major spelling errors in them.


This sort of scum usually eschews the purism of the traditional transit van of their close relatives (they're all related to the travelling scum) in favour of gas guzzling and generally knackered 4X4's They seem to like black ones with tinted windows, mostly because the coppers can't see through them to catch them with the load of nicked and bent gear that they generally have in the back. This type of Pikey also completely eschews the traditional Pikey Tarmac Occupation, for a more direct thieving of peoples money with their bent arcade machines. Although if you do want your drive tarmac covered with a quarter inch of black crap that breaks up as soon as the winter comes round, they'll always know a cousin Shamus or John that can do it for you.. for a fair (NOT) commission on the deal.


They generally reside in real houses!! I know that's a shock, it was a shock to them as well. which is why they still hang on to the traditional knackered caravan, burnt out cars and piles of tires on their property. Totally annoying their nearest neighbours and most of the rest of the village they live in.


They are of course decended from the Travelling Pikey that we all know and love... Via the route of being Fairground Pikeys. Where they scammed the public from a travelling base with their dis-amusement machines.

Travelling Pikeys should be put in zoos to be human exhibits and the Static Arcade Pikeys, should be shot on sight, and fed to them. This is the only way to deal with this sort of complete scum.

How To Combat Pikeys

If you ever confront a pikey, you can often temporarily confuse it by saying the most simple things. If it is effective, after about a minute the pikey will release a foul odour and a wave of barbaric insults, e.g Ah boy! Get up from me before I knock you 'spark out'... boy! This translates as :

Now sir! Get away from me before I hurt you... sir!

After this it will begin to drool and stare at you. If you have any 'gippo repellent', such as a book without pictures or a simple bar of soap, now would be the time to use it. By now, it's 'gippo crew' will have surrounded you so hold your nose. If you have anything with pretty colors throw it into the air and run. They will be distracted long enough for you to get as far away from them as possible. Some pikeys have large spots which protrude from their troglodyte skulls. These are believed to either call other jippos to help them or they could be the weak spot of the pikey in question.Never call a caravan dweller a gorgi bread. I learnt this from personal experience. They raided my house and threw all knowledge and personal hygiene equipment on a bonfire. Jippos are especially afraid of cats and dogs. They will run from them!


if gypsies try to sell you clothes pegs you must shout firmly at them "no gypsie i dont want to buy your clothes pegs" while doing this you must push them away with your hand and repeatingly kneeing them in the groin. If this is a female subject, groin pummeling may prove fruitless so try mashing your palm into her already deformed inbred face.

It should be noted that most pikeys are able to beat the fuck out of most people regardless of size or fighting prowess, because most of them spend their time either ripping off stupid, and usually fat, Brits or Americans, or beating the fuck out of each other when a "your mother" joke, they have a great ability to scrap. Both of these require one to not only be able to throw a punch, but also fight dirty, making them formidable opponents. It has been noted on several occasions that pikeys have sold something that was completely useless to a dumbass, gotten called on it, beat the shit out of said dumbass, took their wallet and possibly children, along with anything that was liftable, and moved on to the next town.

Pikey Breeding

Pikeys will not only breed with other pikey's, but will also breed with sluts and the morbidly obese. They will breed usually in filthy enviroments like where they were born. They will do this any day of the week apart from bank holidays, much like the public toilet timetable. Very occasionally a pikey will mate with a "normal" person (or to gorgers: "dumbass wierdos!" or blinde people). When this happens, the half-pikey baby must be "christened" in the pikey way. This includes being dipped in a bucket of sewage and then left to dry. If this does not happen the half-pikey can grow up to be either pikey or gorger.

Religious Pikey Stuff

Yes thats right, pikeys have a religion, and here is the story of it

Long ago, at the beginning of time, Billy Dean had just got some new trackies from the charity shop and wanted to show them off to the all the gawgaz (see below article for definition of gawga). Billy Dean stepped into his caravan and went off. Just off mars junction some gawgaz started throwing mud at his caravan. Pretty soon the whole caravan was covered. Then more and more gawagz joined in. Eventually it formed a ball-shaped structre which became earth. Then billy Dean tried to burn his way out with a deodorant can(i don't know why he had deodorant) and his ligher, but got caught on fire (as gypsies are highly flammable) and melted, making the earth's liquid center.

Gawgaz

Gawgaz are normally people, e.g. not jippos. It is thought to be a primitive word that derived from the fact normal people are not inbred so will not be hideously ugly, henceforth seeming gawgus to the jippo

'''Vehicles''' Pikeys are usually seen in a Ford Transit in several versions, mostly tippers for scrap collecting and panel vans for carrying their tools for their dodgy tarmac drive-way jobs. Lady Pikeys, for example, drive Ford Fiestas, Mondeos or Focus's and the old Mercedes-Benz and Audis now and then. And the men drive Toyota Land Cruisers, good for pulling caravan or Isuzu Troopers pretending to be farmers and for pretending that they have land to atend to with rough terrain, but we all know they don't so they're not fooling anyone and they love Ford Iveco lorries and, especially as mentioned the Ford Transit. Fords are favoured by the pikeys for there reliability to get them from site to site.

See Also


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