“Cake vs. Pie is like a blackwater mobile team member vs. an innocent Iraqi civilian - the result is beyond obvious.”
Pie vs Cake is a long-running dispute that came into existence before time itself. Many say, "Well, I like both equally", they say. These simple-minded idiots have retreated behind a wall in their mind and refused to accept the reality of a battle of fundamental forces that manifests itself in our daily lives.
There are two major factions involved in the dispute; on the side of Cake stands The People's International Educatory Standards of United Cake Keepers (PIESUCKS), a movement that began on 12 October 2006 and is based in the town of Cakingworth in the Swiss Alps (pop. 70,000). The movement began later than its Pie supporting counterpart, though its world influence is growing fast. Their most notable achievement so far is having the Greek letter Pi renamed Kaike. The Keepers are led by a mysterious man known only as Cakechrist. It is widely thought that he is a member of the rapidly growing number of minor versions of Jesus (Jesii). He has appeared at number three on the Pie-siding FBI's most wanted list, behind only Santa Claus and the Master Chief, both of whom have supported Cake from the start.
They are opposed violently by The Grand Alliance in Favour of Pie (GAFP), who, while not being as good as their enemy in the field of creating amusing acronyms, have been around longer and have had a headstart in almost all ways. Their stronghold is located in an area of the Pacific Ocean, 2500 metres below the surface. 499 Piemasters live in the commune, presided over by Grand Ultimate Lord King Dave of Pie. Their movement was established "Between the creation of the Universe and the final movie of the original Star Trek". Each of the elite Piemasters traditionally wears a simple brown robe with the emblem of a large pie splashed across the front and more jewellery than Mr T.
Pie vs Cake first began to seep into politics in the year negative 1298, when Tony Blair Sr. of the People's Free Republic of Heaven-on-Earth declared his government and country firmly on the side of Cake. Retaliation soon followed; the Confederated Regions of the Freedom Fighting 'Mericans joined the side of Pie and were quickly joined by the United Provinces of Swedemark and Belgistan. Tensions escalated to the point where, in Heaven-on-Earth, the crime of disliking any variety of Cake was punishable by instant suicide - the government had the country so totally under control that anybody who caught themselves thinking such thoughts would immediately jam a specially issued power drill down their throat. In Swedemark & Belgistan, armed guards randomly shot pedestrians daily to illustrate exactly how much the public should hate Cake. Exactly why this was so was never uncovered, but the guard seemed to have fun so that was all fine and dandy. However, the situation soon spiralled out of control and the three great countries went to war.
The First Great PvC War Edit
The first ever official war based around Pie vs Cake was declared by Heaven-on-Earth against the 'Mericans, Swedemark, & Belgistan. The first major battle in the war was that in the Valley of Slyphtx, two miles inside S&B borders. 600,000 men bearing the sign of Cake gathered at one end of the valley in strict lines while 500,000 marched below the flag of Pie at the other end. At 7 p.m., the battle began. After two minutes, the battle collapsed into an uncontrolled melee in which over 450 trillion were killed and fourteen wounded. No clear winner emerged.
Many other battle in the same vein would follow, until the 'Mericans invented the C-bomb. The C-bomb was a weapon of war that contained seventy tons of cake that nobody could possibly like. Three years into the war, the first wave of bombs were launched. It was a disaster for the side of Cake; all 86 million of its population instantly killed themselves with power drills. The government's own ludicrous policies had let them down.
Heaven-on-Earth had been destroyed, and the banners of Pie flew high and proud. But the war was not over yet - Tony Blair Sr.'s last act as he fought the impulse to drill his brains out was to send a signal to the Cake Mothership, which was in orbit around Jupiter with 10,000 loyal Cake supporters held in suspended animation, and the recently escaped Cakechrist. The signal woke the members and caused the mothership to return to Earth, since renamed 'Planet Pie'. The mothership landed in Central Park in the former New York City, then called 'Pastry Central'. By Smarch that year, they had taken three billion square miles of the planet, and had created a Clone Army. The borders clashed in the centre of Australia, and the Second Great War began, ending with pie supporters committing suicide en masse by stabbing themselves with pie slicers while cake supporters were perishing from a massive frosting overdose during a fruit famine.