The Pianist

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“Hey, you're the band manager aren't you? I'd just like to say that I really like your pianist!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Pianists
“Don't shoot the pianist!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Shit He Really Said


The Pianist was a rom-com about a Jew who was transformed into a piano, and the evil maniac (known only as "The Pianist") who performed this twisted crime against Jewry.

While The Pianist was marketed as a sequel to Schindler's List, it actually had a completely different director and a commpletely different plot. After throwing around a bunch of catchphrases like "unquel", "nonquel", "antiquel", and "don'tseequel", the producers decided to stop trying to be so goddamned fancy and just call it a sequel like normal people would. hello?

This movie did, however, mark the return of the schindjas. Terrence and Betty were brought out of retirement to reprise their beloved characters, Prostitute #1 and Prostitute #2. They were even given actual lines this time ("Look out!" and "Are you going to pay for that?", respectively), but these were cut during the final edit.

Actor Marlon Brando lost over 2000 pounds and had strings surgically attached to his body in order to prepare for his role.

edit Complete Cast of The Pianist

Piano/Jew...........................................Marlon Brando
Franz Hitler.........................................Liza Minelli
The Pianist..........................................Adrian Brody
Atomic Mutant Robot Schindjas.............The entire population of Italy
Prostitute #1........................................Terrence Schindja
Prostitute #2........................................Betty Schindja
Prostitute #3........................................Najee Helwani
Jesus of Nazareth.................................Keanu Reeves
Elton John............................................Alexis Arquette (uncredited cameo)

edit Praise for The Piano

"Historical" - Ebert

"Ebert, you're just one fat bitch. I hope you rot in Hell. Stupid jew." - Roeper

"Made me want some Jewish fanny." - Iain McBrughelhugley, Glasgow resident

"Skinny guys are hot!" - Gene Shallot

"Genocide-tastic!" - Ain't it Cool News

"I think I'm going to found a traveling carnival solely for the purpose of picking up hitchhikers and entertaining them with my song and lore." - Keanu Reeves

"I only quite liked it." - Oscar Wilde

"I never knew Adrian Brody could play a Jewish punk-rocker during the Holocaust so well!!" - Panic! At The Dickso

"The feel good family film of the year!" - Some Neo-Nazi

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