Physics doesn't exist, it's all about Gnomes

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7 garden gnomes
Bloody knew it

As we all know, physics is really, really hard. That's because in reality it's all one vast illusion - an extravagant lie carefully constructed just to confuse us. By gnomes. Read on and find out the unsettling cuddly truth you never knew about the whole gnome world . (Unless, of course, you've watched The Borrowers. They had it nearly right.)

Gnome Physics

Kinda like this guy, but probably with bigger hats


Inside cables there are hundreds of tiny gnomes 'high-fiving' each other and running around swapping messages. This transfer of messages allows things to work, e.g. the gnomes in a plug socket tell the gnomes in the wire, who eventually tell the gnomes in (say) a kettle to fart in the water allowing it to boil.


Atoms are in fact minuscule gnomes, all holding hands and feet etc together to form an intricate web from which nearly everything in the universe is comprised. Radioactivity occurs when a rebel gnome is catapulted by his friends from their structure. Should this gnome come into contact with the gnomes from our body, he will offer them beer, thus making the local area either benign or malignant. Either way, just read: cancerous.

States of matter

A solid is little more than a closely compacted configuration of gnomes all holding hands, hats and legs. Heating (see Energy) causes gnomes to become excited or tickled. They start to hopelessly lose grip of their neighbors and thus, to the human eye, form a liquid. When gnomes get tickled pink they're finally able to hold on no longer and just float away in groups of one and more. To us, and indeed to them, it's a gas. Occasionaly the gnomes get so excited they catch on fire. This is what we call a plasma.

Metallic gnomes engage in elaborate flash-mob games of happy-slapping, whereby no individual gnome can be entirely sure which others he or (in the case of trans-gendered gnomes) she is in contact with at any one time. Such gnomes, as one might expect, get easily carried away by heavy metal music. In certain situations while forming liquids, for reasons yet to be fully explained (some authorities suspect it may be just an excuse for covert foreplay) gnomes get unbearably cold, in which case they all gather together, huddle up and, astonishingly, take on the appearance of ice. Colloids such as jello or glue are readily explicable: colloidal gnomes have a weakness for jello and similar squishy, greasy foods; the super-gnome content (see below) of such snacks is exceedingly high, so they themselves soon end up pretty fat and squishy, too.


As suspected, it's turtles all the way down

As you've probably noticed, gnomes like the ground. They all strive to be in the ground, hence the gnome explanation for gravity: not theory but fact. Gnomes throw minute ropes (see string theory), invisible to the human eye, to the ground. These ropes attach to unseen hooks that enable muscle-toned gnomes to pull themselves towards terra firma. There is minimal gravity far from planetary bodies (i.e. in space) because no known gnomes have access to cables of sufficient length. All bodies experience gravitational attraction to each other quite simply because gnomes are, to put it mildly, sociable creatures who practically invented what they like to call the hearty party. Gnome all-nighters are where gravity waves meet Mexican waves.


If you think about it, its quite obvious, really. The gnomes that make up our eyes can see what colour hats other gnomes making up, say a table, are wearing. They then hi-five gnomes in our 'optical nerve' who run to tell the brain gnomes what has been seen. This makes us think we are seeing things when in fact it's all gnomes.


Now this is a little more complicated. There are evil anti-gnomes. These make up anti-matter. Done.


All types of energy are transferred through gnomes. Heat is just gnomes rubbing other gnomes. Potential energy is when gnomes don't want to be separated (see Gravity). Kinetic energy is the movement of gnomes. Energy is always conserved so fundamental gnomes (see below) are only ever transferred and never made or destroyed. Energy caused by nuclear fission is when you make a hypergnome very angry, and when it gets angry enough it explodes, causing an enormous explosion. But gnomes are very amiable creatures, so this never happens. Nuclear energy is a lie.


As underpants gnomes would say, there are 3 steps to getting rich: Phase 1: Steal Underpants Phase 2: ????? Phase 3: Profit!

Super and hyper-gnomes

Pictures such as this can only be created by gnomes wearing jeans

So what are gnomes made up of? Surely they're not at the bottom of life, the universe and everything? They are in fact comprised of billions of even smaller gnomes, known as super-gnomes. They, in turn, are made up of billions of even smaller gnomes known as hyper-gnomes. Hyper-gnomes are the fundamental building blocks of everything. Though no one, to be honest, can yet be absolutely sure. Least of all, gnomes themselves.

Things explained by Gnome Physics

Now that we have covered the basics of gnome theory we are going to discuss and readily explain away certain otherwise curious physical phenomena.


Your computer is run by teeming squads of tiny gnomes. They beaver away at nano-sized work stations inside your PC. When you turn off your computer, they tend to collapse from utter exhaustion, desperate to grab a bit of shut-eye before you switch on again. Older gnomes can tremble at mere mention of the term booting up. And this is not just because the average gnome has hats like Imelda Marcos has shoes. What you see on your screen is in fact a highly complex configuration of gymnastic gnomes trained to Olympic standard frenetically swapping different colored hats at dizzying speeds. Casualties are not unknown. Dead pixels? Need we say more?

Aurora Borealis & Australis - Northern & Southern Lights

The salient principles of light having been well identified by gnome theory, certain atmospheric spectacles can now be explained. Gnome tastes in beachwear, particularly wet suits, tend to be garish, even luminous and highly reflective. Gnomes who stay too long in the sun on overcrowded beaches easily fall victim to a form of desert blindness. Beach bling can all too easily precipitate beach blink. Blinded gnomes tend to get lost. Some lose all track of land lines (see Gravity) and, as a consequence, waft upwards. When they'd run into fellow drifting gnomes in the upper atmosphere such was their immense relief that they got into the habit of throwing spontaneous carnival-like parties. Gnome beach wear has nothing on gnome evening wear. Sequins were invented by gnomes. As were strobe lights. In order to reduce the danger of getting hit by stray items of space garbage (burnt-out satellites, etc), health and safety considerations tended to confine such shindigs to venues above the north and south poles. What started off as impromptu events have since firmed up into regular night club scenes of immense Ibiza-like proportions. Teenage gnomes prefer little better, with or without sun-glasses, than getting utterly off their faces.

Mobile Phones

'Scientists' may try and fool you with talk of 'waves', but please don't believe these distracting and frankly stupid theories. Mobile phones are built (by gnomes) to incorporate a gnome catapult. These devices are worked by gnomes in your mobile phone (which coincidentally is made up of gnomes) to fire their gnome friends upwards when you place a call. The gnomes are fired into space where they land on 'satellites' (also made of gnomes). The gnome satellites then catapult separate gnomes to the mobile you are trying to contact (if you are attempting to 'connect' with a land line the gnomes are fired at a landing station where they run and hi-five down wires to the other phone receiver). When the gnomes reach the receiver you are connecting with there is an exchange of messages, hi-fives and presents (the unwrapping is the crackle you hear). More catapulting occurs back to the satellite and then to your phone. This process continues so that what you say is 'transmitted' to the other phone and vice-versa (the process is VERY quick, as these gnomes travel at the speed of light-gnomes). A call 'breaks up' or has no 'signal' when the presents that are exchanged are so good the gnomes don't bother coming back, but just sit and play. To sum up: gnomile phones.


This gnome is currently suspected of causing flatulence

Gnomes cook up everything, including food. When you munch, say, a sandwich, gnomes who quite literally make up your sandwich mosey on downwards and eventually roll up in your stomach. As should be well evident by now, gnomes, given half an opportunity, are 24-hour party people. Any excuse for a party. Stomach gnomes never tire of living it up with gnomes from the world of daylight, and in no time fingers are clicking and hips are swaying. Such parties are at the best of times wild affairs; beer and much else flows freely. Eat too quickly, the party gets out of hand and, before you know it, you've got indigestion.

The morning after some sort of clean-up, like it or not, has to begin. Bleary-eyed stomach gnomes, some coughing and itching for the first fag of the day, try to stuff garbage into any bags or boxes to hand. Intestine gnomes, your body's bin-men, turn up at some point to cart off these bags and dump them through the intestine to the . . . well, you can guess. Let's not beat about the bush: bum gnomes shunt all this dreadful detritus towards the exit. Distinct varieties of food, as you'd expect, are cooked by distinct gnome nationalities. The spiciest foods tend to be of Asian origin. Such gnomes are notorious for their hard party style, so the morning after is often correspondingly painful. Anti-smoking legislation of the Euro-American kind has yet, it seems, to make any impact whatsoever in the Far East. And you wonder why those spicy blowouts can have unfortunate 'gaseous effects.'

Gnome food

Gnomes also need to eat and drink and it can be easily extrapolated from gnome theory how this occurs. The gnome digestion process occurs as described above but their food is made up of super-gnomes, who party in their stomachs. Of course, super-gnomes are also hungry entities and eat food made up of hyper-gnomes. Due to the fact the hyper-gnomes are fundamental and can't be broken down into anything smaller they do not need to eat or drink.


As all things are made of gnomes, it follows that even alcohol is made of gnomes. These are without doubt the rowdiest of all gnomes (except anti-gnomes). Alcohol gnomes divide into several groups. The first type look kindly and loving (which they indeed are) but have a stupendous sense of humour and love to play practical jokes. They will quickly travel to the brain gnomes upon arrival in the body and will wreak havoc with the head region; taking other gnomes' clothes while they are in the shower, throwing eggs at nearby gnomes and the like. This causes the brain gnomes to become distracted, so the body doesn't work as efficiently as it would normally. The senses become distorted (e.g. vision) and the human seems to think they are invincible. Wine is mostly made up of these gnomes and Females are particularly susceptible to this type. The next type are Beer (subdivided into Ale and lager subspecies) gnomes. These gnomes produce similar effects to the wine gnomes (especially if mixed - gnomes love to party) but through different methods. These gnomes (instead of being fun loving) are dangerous and enjoy getting in fights. They will provoke and cause violence against the gnomes in your brain, and swear loudly. They will push over desks and generally cause havoc. This is again why your senses become distorted etc. The last type of alcohol gnomes are 'spirit' gnomes (who are NOT supernatural). These type of gnomes are really sneaky and cunning. They can very quickly (for they are quite strong and obviously quick) infiltrate the gnome office of the brain and begin to sneakily alter the brain gnomes work. They will send fake emails (to the amusement of the wine gnomes), cause brain gnomes to work on useless tasks and generally ensure the brain gnomes cannot do their job. These again cause ill effects to your bodies ability to work (normally).

See also


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