Physics doesn't exist, it's all about Gnomes

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7 garden gnomes

Bloody knew it.

As we all know, physics is really really hard. That's because it doesn't really exist and is all an extravagant lie brought about by gnomes to confuse us. Read on, and find out about a world you never knew. (Unless you've watched The Borrowers, of course. They nearly had it right.)

Gnome Physics


Kinda like this guy, but probably with bigger hats.


Inside cables there are hundreds of tiny gnomes 'high-fiving' each other and running around swapping messages. This transfer of messages allows things to work, e.g. the gnomes in a plug socket tell the gnomes in the wire, who eventually tell the gnomes in (say) a kettle to fart in the water allowing it to boil.


Atoms are in fact minuscule gnomes, all holding hands and feet etc together to form an intricate web from which nearly everything in this universe is comprised. Radioactivity occurs when a rebel gnome is catapulted by his friends from their structure. Should this gnome come into contact with the gnomes from our body, he will offer them beer, thus making the local area either benign or malignant. Either way, just read: 'cancerous'.

States of matter

A solid is a closely compacted arrangement of gnomes, all holding hands, hats and legs. Heating (see Energy) causes the gnomes to become excited (or 'tickled'). This means they start to lose a grip on their neighbours; thus becoming a liquid. When the gnomes become tickled 'pink' they just can no longer hold on and float away (in groups upwards of one) becoming a 'Gas'. A special case exists for 'Metallic' gnomes, who are engaged in an over sized game of slaps, whereby no individual gnome can be entirely sure of which other gnomes it's in contact with. In some cases,while in liquid form, the gnomes become cold, in which case they gather together and huddle up, forming ice.



As suspected, it's turtles all the way down.

As we are all well aware gnomes like the ground. They all strive to be in the ground, and this is where the basic theory for gravity comes from. Gnomes throw tiny (obviously unseen to the human eye) ropes to the ground. These ropes attach to unseen hooks allowing the gnomes to pull themselves towards the ground. There is minimal gravity away from bodies (e.g. in space) because very few gnomes have long enough ropes. All bodies have a gravitional attraction to each other because gnomes are sociable creatures and enjoy large gatherings.


If you think about it, its quite obvious really. The gnomes that make up our eyes can see what colour other gnomes making up, say a table, are wearing. They then hi-five gnomes in our 'optical nerve' who run to tell the brain gnomes what has been seen. This makes us think we are seeing things when in fact it is all gnomes.


Now this is a little more complicated. There are evil anti-gnomes. These make up anti-matter. Done.


All types of energy are transferred through gnomes. Heat is just gnomes rubbing other gnomes. Potential energy is when gnomes dont want to be separated (see 'Gravity'). Kinetic energy is the movement of gnomes. Energy is always conserved so fundamental gnomes (see below) are only ever transferred and never made or destroyed. Energy caused by nuclear fission is when you make a hypergnome very angry, and when it gets angry enough it explodes, causing an enormous explosion. But gnomes are very amiable creatures, so this never happens. Nuclear energy is a lie.


As Underpants Gnomes would say, there are 3 steps to getting rich: Phase 1: Steal Underpants Phase 2: ????? Phase 3: Profit!



Pictures such as this can only be created by Gnomes wearing jeans.

So what are gnomes made up of themselves? They are surely not fundamental? They are comprised of billions of even smaller gnomes. These smaller gnomes are known as 'Super-gnomes'. Super-gnomes are made up of billions of even smaller gnomes known as 'Hyper-Gnomes'. Hyper-gnomes are the fundamental building block of everything.

Things explained by Gnome Physics

Now that we have covered the basics of gnome theory we are going to discuss and 'explain away' certain physical phenomena.


Computers are run by tiny gnomes. They do all the work sat at tiny desks inside your PC. When you turn it off they can all go home and have a rest before they are needed again. The screen is in fact an arrangement of gnomes wearing different colour hats.

Aurora Borealis/Australis (Northern/Southern Lights)

Having seen the principles concerning light in gnome theory, this northern spectacle can now be explained. Gnomes become blind when they stay too long with the gnomes in the sun (because their clothing is really bright). They thus tend to get lost when the sun gnomes let go of them. Some of these blind gnomes accidentally attach their ropes to earth, and are thus pulled towards it (see Gravity). When they reach the gnomes in the upper 'atmosphere' of the earth they realise that they're not the only gnomes in the universe and so have a tiny party/celebration. During this festive time the gatherings round the north and south of the earth have access to changes of clothes (e.g. from Santa). They take advantage of this wardrobe and the changing of clothes makes us perceive a colourful oscillating light in the sky.

Mobile Phones

'Scientists' may try and fool you with talk of 'waves', but please don't believe these distracting and frankly stupid theories. Mobile phones are built (by gnomes) to incorporate a gnome catapult. These devices are worked by gnomes in your mobile phone (which coincidently is made up of gnomes) to fire their gnome friends upwards when you place a call. The gnomes are fired into space where they land on 'satellites' (also made of gnomes). The gnome satellites then catapult separate gnomes to the mobile you are trying to contact (if you are attempting to 'connect' with a land line the gnomes are fired at a landing station where they run and hi-five down wires to the other phone receiver). When the gnomes reach the receiver you are connecting with there is an exchange of messages, hi-fives and presents (the unwrapping is the crackle you hear). More catapulting occurs back to the satellite and then to your phone. This process continues so that what you say is 'transmitted' to the other phone and vice-versa (the process is VERY quick, as these gnomes travel at the speed of light-gnomes). A call 'breaks up' or has no 'signal' when the presents that are exchanged are so good the gnomes don't bother coming back, but just sit and play.



This gnome is currently suspected of causing flatulence.

Gnomes make up everything, including food. When we eat, say, a sandwich; the gnomes making up the sandwich are digested and travel to our stomach. The stomach gnomes are so pleased to see other gnomes that a party soon gets under way (when you eat too quickly the party gets out of hand very quickly thus causing indigestion). The party is of course a wild affair, and the beer flows free while the gnomes party hard. The morning after (which in human time is only about 4-6 hours) the clean up begins. The stomach gnomes collect up the rubbish in bin bags. Intestine gnomes (the bin-men of the human body) collect up these bags and take them through the intestine to the... well im sure you can guess. The bum gnomes then drop these bags of rubbish out of the body (known as a landfill). Different varieties of foods are of course different nationalities of gnomes. Spicy foods are Asian gnomes. Asian gnomes party particularly hard so the morning after is particularly bad. They also like to smoke, which is why humans feel 'gaseous effects' after a rather spicy meal.

Gnome food

Gnomes also need to eat and drink and it can be easily extrapolated from gnomes theory how this occurs. The gnome digestion process occurs as described above but their food is made up of super-gnomes, who party in their stomachs. Of course, super-gnomes are also hungry entities and eat food made up of hyper-gnomes. Due to the fact the hyper-gnomes are fundamental and can't be broken down into anything smaller they do not need to eat or drink.


As all things are made of gnomes, it follows that even alcohol is made of gnomes. These are without doubt the rowdiest of all gnomes (except anti-gnomes). Alcohol gnomes divide into several groups. The first type look kindly and loving (which they indeed are) but have a stupendous sense of humour and love to play practical jokes. They will quickly travel to the brain gnomes upon arrival in the body and will wreak havoc with the head region; taking other gnomes' clothes while they are in the shower, throwing eggs at nearby gnomes and the like. This causes the brain gnomes to become distracted, so the body doesn't work as efficiently as it would normally. The senses become distorted (e.g. vision) and the human seems to think they are invincible. Wine is mostly made up of these gnomes and Females are particularly succeptable to this type. The next type are Beer (subdivided into Ale and lager subspecies) gnomes. These gnomes produce similar effets to the wine gnomes (especially if mixed - gnomes love to party) but through different methods. These gnomes (instead of being fun loving) are dangerous and enjoy getting in fights. They will provoke and cause violence against the gnomes in your brain, and swear loudly. They will push over desks and generally cause havoc. This is again why your senses become distorted etc. The last type of alcohol gnomes are 'spirit' gnomes (who are NOT supernatural). These type of gnomes are really sneaky and cunning. They can very quickly (for they are quite strong and obviously quick) infiltrate the gnome office of the brain and begin to sneakily alter the brain gnomes work. They will send fake emails (to the amusmant of the wine gnomes), cause brain gnomes to work on useless tasks and generally ensure the brain gnomes cannot do their job. These again cause ill effects to your bodies ability to work (normally).

See also

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