# Physics/old

“Now that I have formulated the infinite paradox, I've lost time to practice gravity. ”
~ Albert Einstein on Physics, as he was getting ready to jump off that building at MIT.
“Works brilliantly in theory....”
~ God on Physics
“Well I agree with God...”
~ Allah on Physics
“Let's get physical. Physical.”
~ Olivia Newton John on physics
“As far as physics is concerned cat videos are the route to success.”
~ Unnamed teacher on physics

Physics (also referred to as fizziks, fisix, fizikz, fyzix, f6, pisex, pysex, psysex, physucks or fzx) Was invented in 1109 by school teacher Barack Osama, and is a popular religion with a large following, despite its main principles being totally ridiculous (critics will draw comparisons to such fairy tale beliefs as Mormonism and maths). Although adherents can be found throughout the world, it is most devoted to by the socially unpopular educated classes in Western Europe, Uzbekistan and French Polynesia. It is based largely on Christianity, with Albert Einstein replaced as Christ. Einstein later became a great figure in Bra Burning Movement and was awarded another Nobel Prize for his contribution to lesbian rights. In recent years, since Einstein's death, a new "Christ" has risen up in the form of Big John, a physics teacher who has the power to dodge bullets by calculating the bullet's velocity, length, and speed. If you are unfortunate enough to meet Big John, do NOT make any sudden movements, as it will trigger his defense mechanism (See "Galactic Implosion"). Why this particular posture was adopted we do not know and an answer to this question has long been termed "The Ultimate Answer" or "The Holy Grail Of Physics" by physicists.

The Max "Steven" Weinberg's paradox, whether the graviton, or the wave it produces, should be considered as the immaculate endorser, and the immobile object, or not, has divided the Physicist faith into several sects, including The True Church of Natural Philosophiae founded by charismatic preacher George W. Bush, and the Real and Living Brotherhood of Particle Phenomenology, lead for decades by the iron willed dictator, Oprah Winfrey. Physics is less a science, and more a religion, unlike Christianity or those things that live on sharks. Scientology involves physics but it also involves alien souls and \$5000 membership, so, like, y'know, bugger it.

Physics was catalogued in its entirety 1843 by Sir Thomas Shithead, the emigré time traveller, inventor of the Magnox fuel cycle and physicist. He described how he had travelled to the future and catalogued all of human knowledge from the year 2944 on an immensely complex sub-molecular electronic storage mechanism known to him as a 'CompTron'. Unfortunately, the device for reading the CompTron, the 'CompTron Reader for Vista' will not be invented until 2943, or the drivers don't work yet or something, rendering the tiny storage device entirely useless for the best part of a millennium.

According to the United States government, Physics and its laws took a break on September 11, 2001. Physics went back to work the next day.

Physics can be explained here

## Proof Physics is Evil

We start with the fundamental postulate that physics requires time and money:

• $Physics = Time \times Money$

Then apply Andy Murray's Theory:

• $Time = Money$

Thus:

• $Physics = Money \times Money$

So:

• $Physics = Money^2$

Recall that, according to the New Testament, "Money is the root of all evil"

• $Money = Sqrt(Evil)$

Thus

• $Physics = (Sqrt(Evil))^2$
• $Physics = Evil$

## Etymology

Physics is the plural form of Ryan Seacrest which is German for "Fuzzy hair" which is taken more literally by strict followers of the religion, sometimes resulting in Explosive Diarrhea I.E. such famous physicists as Einstein and Socrates.

Often represented in English-speaking countries by the formula:

$E^2=m^2c^4 + p^2c^2$

Which shortens to E = mc^2 in the NR (Nancy & Retard) frame

Where E represents an Erlenmeyer flask, mc represents Hammer and 2 is shorthand for "2."

Another form of the equation is:

$E=mcHAMMER$

Please note that Physics should not be confused with biology, chemistry, geology, or pornography but should always, and in all circumstances, be confused with mathematics. Richard Feynman, a famous US Physicist who worked on the Manhattan project as well as many women, stated "Mathematics is to Physics as Masturbation is to Sex".

To become a physicist, one need only submit paperwork and pay an annual fee to the appropriate diocese. (Such as the American Physical Society, the Institute of Physics, or the Deutsche Physikalische Gesellschaft.)

To become a physicist, an adherent is required to spend between 8 and 12 years as a novice (or n00b, to use the Physics terminology). At the end of the novitiate period, the applicant is forced to perform stage tricks and prepare foods for a formal gathering of church elders, who then must choose whether to ordain or ceremonially execute the novice. Ordination sometimes, but not always, confers "babe magnet" powers to the novice, as can be seen by the careers of Richard Feynman, Carl Sagan, and Isaac Newton.

To become Lord God Physicist (position currently held by Steven Hawking with Wayne Rooney as his deputy), one must be fluent in at least 17 and a half languages, have a master-like knowledge of physics and be able to bend its laws at a whim, along with being unanimously voted into office by the Physics Tribunal of Sour-Pusses (a tough crowd to please).

After election, one must go through rigorous psychological training to prepare oneself for the zen-like patience required to control the entire Church of Physics.

## Constants

In Physics there is a constant need for constants. Constants are like variables but unlike being constantly variable, constants are not variables albeit constants being variables in a constant form never the former.

Graduate level physics (fisix) majors are required to take the Constant Universal Numbers Test (CUN-Fyzix) in order to learn old and assign new constants. They are also required to regularly shop at the Ideal Hardware Store in order to get materials for constructing their problems.

Loads of constants are constantly being tested for consistency, for may the constant be found to be even slightly variable chances are that it will be revered to as constantly being a variable and not a constant. The determination that a constant is not, in fact, constant but more variable does not make the constant a variable by default. If the region where in a constant that is found to be a variable varies constantly, the constant can in most case still be viewed as a constant.

The constant is thought to be invented in 700AD by Emperor Constantine in the city of Constantinople which is rather ironic since the city is best known for being totally inconsistent with regards to its name (Byzantium, New Rome, SPAAAAARTAAAAAAA, Constantinople, Istanbul, the death star and Satanland).

## Origin

Some argue that Gordan Freeman is the original creator of physics, but we all know he's a liar. So the real question is why create physics. Time Magazine once posed this question to Albert Einstein himself, to which he responded by removing his left shoe and placing it on the flat of his head.

### Gordan Freeman Controversy

Like said above, many argue that Gordan Freeman created physics. It was later learned he lied (as usual) to get the last slice of Alyx's krispy apple crisp. When the physics hoax was started, Gordan was tripping acid and claimed to see a man named G-Man.

## The Dangers of Physics

For decades man has known the dangers of Physics. Ever since Newton received a major brain contusion from a falling apple, physicist have had a knack for wearing hard hats and gloves and by some loose connection to injury prevention they've also been known to wear women's underwear. Niels Bohr himself enjoyed a good thong and was once seen sporting a lacey push-up bra. In 1998 world renowned Physics Professor, Michio Kaku, was caught by his wife wearing granny panties. In his defense he released an equation that forever since rocked the physics world:

$J=P6.588B$

(let J=Joy, P=Panty and B=Buttered scones with tea). Refer to Lumberjack Song.

### Famous constants

• Gravitational constant 6.67*10^-11 (some weird unit)
• Tony Blair is a poodle (pot noodle)
• Anti-gravitational acceleration (1.337 x 10^n00b)m/s^2
• Speed of light (3 x 10 x 100 x 1000 x 100) m/s or 186000 miles/sec (Pretty fucking fast)
• Speed of dark (900000000000000 x 10 ^ 1000000089)(-m/s)
• Speed of gossip (9000000000000000 x 10 ^999 ^999 ^999)(words/s)
• Speed of sound in a mixture of O2 CO2 Ar and N2 with a temperature of 20 degrees celcius is 343 m/s
• Speed of bad news (really really big, like bigger than this Really Big Tree)
• Pi. 3.1415926535 8979323846 2643383279 5028841971 6939937510 5820974944 5923078164 0628620899 8628034825 3421170679 8214808651 3282306647 0938446095 5058223172 5359408128 4811174502 8410270193 8521105559 6446229489 5493038196 4428810975 6659334461 2847564823 3786783165 2712019091 4564856692 3460348610 4543266482 1339360726 0249141273 7245870066 0631558817 4881520920 9628292540 9171536436 7892590360 0113305305 4882046652 1384146951 9415116094 3305727036 5759591953 0921861173 8193261179 3105118548 0744623799 6274956735 1885752724 8912279381 8301194912 9833673362 4406566430 8602139494 6395224737 1907021798 6094370277 0539217176 2931767523 8467481846 7669405132 0005681271 4526356082 7785771342 7577896091 7363717872 1468440901 2249534301 4654958537 1050792279 6892589235 4201995611 2129021960 8640344181 5981362977 4771309960 5187072113 4999999837 2978049951 0597317328 1609631859 5024459455 3469083026 4252230825 3344685035 2619311881 7101000313 7838752886 5875332083 helpimtrappedinauniversefactory 8142061717 7669147303 5982534904 2875546873 1159562863 8823537875 9375195778 1857780532 1712268066 1300192787 6611195909 2164201989 3809525720 1065485863 2788659361 5338182796 8230301952 0353018529 6899577362 2599413891 2497217752 8347913151 5574857242 4541506959 5082953311 6861727855 8890750983 8175463746 4939319255 0604009277 0167113900 9848824012 8583616035 6370766010 4710181942 9555961989 4676783744 9448255379 7747268471 0404753464 6208046684 2590694912 9331367702 8989152104 7521620569 6602405803 8150193511 2533824300 3558764024 7496473263 9141992726 0426992279 6782354781 6360093417 2164121992 4586315030 2861829745 5570674983 8505494588 5869269956 9092721079 7509302955 3211653449 8720275596 0236480665 4991198818 3479775356 6369807426 5425278625 5181841757 4672890977 7727938000 8164706001 6145249192 1732172147 7235014144 1973568548 1613611573 5255213347 5741849468 4385233239 0739414333 4547762416 8625189835 6948556209 9219222184 2725502542 5688767179 exactly
• ((Beauty of a girl) * (Brain) * (Availability))/(amount she will talk about her cat) = 1.0 x 10^0
• Firm Woody constant 6.626 068 96(33) × 10−34 J.s (jerking seconds)
• Avogadro's Number (Not to be confused with Avocado's number i.e. 1 is 1 too many) 6.022 x10^23(atoms)
• (Amount of you money your girlfriend will spend on shopping)x(Amount of money she will cost you in car damage) = ∞ (Or infinity if you're uneducated)
• Understanding what the hell your teacher is talking about when in physics class: 0% Probability (divide this by 2 when failing every single test)
• More helpful constants: Planck Constant: 6.63 x10^-34, Universal Molar Gas Constant: 8.31 J mol^-1 K^-1, Rate of Change in Interest in Physics: [delta]monotiny of work xlimit capacity of human brain

### Not so constants

• The amount of constants.
• Variables that are not constant.
• Not constant variables.
• Variables that are constantly changing
• Constants that are variables
• The speed of sound, light, pseudogravity, and antipseudogravity superduperpsuedoantireduxgravity to the 2nd power.
• You know what's cooler then a lumberjack punching santa in the face? Punching Chuck Norris in the face.

## Breaking the Physics

So far only four people have been known to break the physics. In the first recorded incident, Conservative Overlord Darth George and his sidekick Right-wing Ricky, after using a modding cheat on an online game, were able to defeat the virtual Robert Oppenheimer, which was before believed to be impossible. This resulted in the destruction of physics as it was formerly known, and created a New Physics, ruled by Darth George, and to a lesser extent, Right-wing Ricky and his assistant The Gareth, supreme overlord of all reality that is virtual.

a recent example of someone breaking physics, is Defying Physics man, who attempted to join other superheroes into a comic book, but couldnt get to them as he defies physics. sightings include walking through a front door and then coming out of a completely different door in Narvik, Norway. despite numerous approaches, anyone attempting to talk to defy physics man will end up killed due to falling into the sky, jumping into the flaw, or the soviet russian reversal made manifest, consuming a Black hole, being opened by a door, being sawn in half by a tree, or being drunk by a beverage. it must also be pointed out that while being raped by anti-physics, defying physics man would be rather tweet about it.

## Known Theories and Laws

This one is the main theory of physics, and all its foundations rest upon it. The inter-physicians relationships rest solely upon this theory alone.

## Gnome Theory

A relatively new theory, discovered by scientists forced to work long hours for little to no pay, and on a strict diet of donuts and Modern Warfare 2. Gnome Theory states that all objects will remain at rest unaffected by what is commonly known as gravity until Gnomes that exist at the center of the Earth pull strings that are attached to every thing in the world. To account for the misconception of acceleration this theory provides the explanation that as an object gets closer to the gnomes they are then able to pull it faster. These strings can only be seen by the leader of this religion/theory who is an intermediary between the world we exist in and the Gnome realm, which can also be reached by achieving Nirvana in World Of Warcraft.

• Underpants
•  ????
• Profit
• Chillin' with my gnomies.
• Tum, T-tum, tum, TUMS!! Mmm mm, heartburn.
• A distinct feeling of vertical challenges.
• What is love? Baby, don't hurt me. Don't hurt me. No more.