Philosophy

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“Philosophy is not about coming up with smartass quotes, but about making other people think about how great the smartass quotes you have already come up with are.”

~ Oscar Wilde on philsophy

“Philosophy should be a spoken dialogue between two people, which is why I never wrote anything.”

~ Socrates on being illiterate

“I think, therefore others must care what I think.”

~ Descartes on the origins of language

“Philosophy could solve the world's problems, if the world's problems were not relevant to the world.”

~ Pretty much everybody on philosophy

“Philosophy is not devoid of meaning, but meaningful to the devoid... or some bullshit like that.”

~ A generic philosopher on Philosophy

“You underestimate my ability to argue something that appears to be inherently false.”

~ Jimmy 'The Gatherer' Hunter, a generic philosopher on Philosophy


“Philosophy. Well, what do you think it is? Go on, tell me. Come on. You must have an answer. Tell me. You know you have an answer, don't deny it. Tell me what you think. No, tell me. TELL ME. ZEUSDAMMIT TELL ME.”

~ Socrates on what you think Philosophy is


It is common historical knowledge that Plato had mad skillz.

Philosophy is a common psychological disorder that causes people to endlessly ponder the inane, the unfalsifiable, and the pointless, rather than go out and get a job. It also refers to the incessant posing of questions that have no answers.

It is classified under obsessive/compulsive disorders in the American Assoc. Catalog of Dissociative Disorders, DSM 5 (volume IV, pg. 1546, section 172, lines 45-21). It is common amongst those suffering from the condition to exibit catatonic-type symptoms (often seen in schizophrenics), where the individual will assume and remain in bizarre postures for hours on end. A classic and rather sad example is depicted in Rodin's The Thinker (shown at the top right of this page) - the subject maintained that posture for so long, the local stone mason was contacted and given a comission.

Practically, philosophy is useful while trying to disprove your religion, the laws of society, any concept of ethics you might have, even the existence of that chair you're sitting on (although never convincingly enough so as to make you feel that you have to stand up). Bonus points are awarded for disproving that you disproved anything.

Over the years, philosophy has generally avoided adopting either a purpose or a method. Therefore, it is immune to criticism, because you can never point out that it failed to reach its goal, or that its approach is flawed. If you are unwise enough to try to criticize it anyway, your statements will simply become another branch of philosophy.

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Contents

[edit] Overview

[edit] Etymology

Philosophy is a Greek word that literally translates to the study of Phyllis Diller. Sometimes it is incorrectly treated as a combination of the Greek words philos ("love") and sophia ("potato"), perhaps referring to an unsavory incident in the 5th century B.C., involving a drunken Aristotle and a sack of potatoes.

Someone who studies or is proficient in philosophy is commonly called a geek. It is not to be confused with filosophy, an unusual infatuation with or intense craving for dough. As an academic pursuit, much of philosophy is the study of the writings of dead people and the attempt to find out what the hell they were talking about.

[edit] Common Questions

“I often contemplate as to why it is that my index finger, fits so perfectly in both of my nostrils, my ear and, most interestingly of all, my anus.”

~ Immanuel Kant on a question that often plagues his philosophical mind.

The scope of philosophy is a broad one. Common questions posed by philosophers include: "Why did I choose such a useless subject?", "What the fuck does this even mean?", "Did I ruin my life?", and the unavoidable "Would you like fries with that, sir?".

[edit] Subfields

There is a general consensus that philosophy is made up of seven sub-categories.

Metaphyllis asks: "What is beyond the scope of Phyllis Diller's existence?" (The answer is obviously nothing, and you're a fucking phyllistine if you think otherwise). Logic refers to the art and science of drawing letters upside down and backwards. Evil debates about the most efficient way to become a awful human being - many modern schools accept that the proper route to this end involves listening to remixes of John Tesh songs set to disco beats (moustache and goatee are mandatory). Neo-post-neo-re-de-modernism is the study of new and shiny things. It also known refers to a 10-foot-high cage where analytic philosophers lock away the bothersome creeps from the social sciences. Epistemologipolography, examines the scope of all knowledge, and is based, of course, on the completely-scientific-and-rational practices of astrology and alchemy. Assthetics is the study of doing your hair and nails and your butt.

[edit] How to philosophize

Let us compare popular human fields of study.

The study of the world around is dubbed science, and in order to pursue it, you first need to purchase several large, expensive doohickeys in order to conduct experiments, hire scientists, and the like. The study of the theoretical world is dubbed mathematics, and you need only paper, a pencil, and a trashcan within reasonable distance. In comparison, the study of nothing in particular may be dubbed "philosophy", and all you have to do is keep talking. It may be noted that working on philosophical matters is generally very cheap to do. That may very well be because it isn't worth a penny to anyone anyway.

[edit] Methods and Examples

[edit] The Socratic method

The Socratic method is a method of inquiry that has the ability to disprove any statement. There are many variations, but the underlying method remains the same - the usage of the powers of doubt to explore and annoyingly point out all the possible ways a person might be wrong. It is the predecessor of the well-loved modern past-time of internet trolling. Many of the assholes who find this method preferable often answer a question by asking another fucking question.

A well-known historical example goes as follows:

Judge: The law is just.
Socrates: O RLY
Priest: Holiness is holy.
Socrates: YA RLY?
Student: You're a complete asshole.
Socrates: NO U

Other common retorts include:

  • "Why?"
  • "Prove it!"
  • "You sure about that?"
  • "That never applies to the real world."
  • "Really? Are you some kind of stupid?"
  • "What makes you think you can trust Wikipedia?"
  • "Honestly, nobody cares."
  • "Cool story, bro."

The Socratic method was made use of frequently by Plato, who often used it in order to forward his own ideas without dissent. Plato was the tutor of the much wiser Aristotle, who would later help develop the method of inquiry used to uncover whether or not someone was full of shit. It turns out everybody is.

[edit] Unsolved Philosophical Problems

[edit] Notable Philosophers

Over the years, philosophers have been a constant source of progress, wisdom, insight, and rationality. In Ancient Greece, Plato proposed his Theory of Forms, and Aristotle wrote about the Five Elements. In the Middle Ages, Thomas Aquinas theorized about the nature of God, Maimonides wrote of rational proof, and William of Ockham brought us his logical razor. During the Renaissance, Machiavelli revived political philosophy, and Marsilio Ficino furthered astrology. In the early modern period, Adam Smith laid the groundwork for capitalism and Immanuel Kant developed the concept of duty, and in the late modern period, there was the pre-existentialism of Nietzsche, and the attempt to make socialism scientific by Karl Marx. These great thinkers of history have surely impacted humanity in many ways.

[edit] See also

[edit] External links

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