Philosopholis Thompson
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“mhauuuuuuuahhaa huuuuuuuuh”
~ Chewbacca on Philosopholis
“Its P to the T to the hompson, its Phil, Big Pee Phil, im back, thats right, you want that oil? shake that ass shake that ass”
~ Philosopholis Thompson on himself
“He even made me pay upfront in yen for the kicking he gave me”
“Rarely is the question asked, is our children learning?”
~ George W.Bush on Philosophy
Philosopholis Thompson a little known international terrorist, and purported head of the IB program, was born in 1956 in Frankfurt, date unknown, to an American mother and a Russian Father. There is only one known picture of Philosopholis, but no one knows where it is, but it is rumoured to show him playing tennis in hot pants with Richard Nixon. Philosopholis or 'Big Pee' as he is sometimes referred too, terrorises the world through very hidden, but decisive means, and many believe he is behind many of the greatest threats of the modern day. Other people, namely the gay ones, believe he doesn't exist and is in fact just a 'scapegoat' for people when stuff craps up, but thats not true, because it isnt.
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[edit] Early Life
After Big Pee was born he didn't do much for a while but eat rusks and cry, but lived with his father in Rachel, Nevada, where he was taught the arts of sword fighting, yoga and barbecue skills. Little else is known about his childhood, and there are no records of him upto 1979 where he was mentioned in a video recorded by the notorious villan, Mr. Clown man from Batman, where he mentioned him by his nickname, 'Big Pee,' his exact words were "ah alas ney, i must evacuate as thoust hast dost time with big pee now"
Not soon after, sometime in the 1980s, he met a chap called Osuma Min Lardin, while at music college (he plays the loot) in Azerbyjamontoast. The two left collage in their last year, 45 minutes before graduation, to become terrorists together under the clever aliases of "Big Pee" and "Osama Bin Laden" unrespectively, although 10 minutes later Thompson realised this was a bad idea, as he could be a far better terrorist by himself by using his intellect instead of men with beards and kalashnikovs living in Yurts, so ran away to "have some me time" in Northern Siberia for 4 years, where he lived with wolves, shot at local woodsmen and ate only pine nuts he stumbled across.
It is from here that he built his strong corporate terrorist empire, as one day, frolicking in the woods he found a crashed Argentine sattelite, that had lost its way after spying on Britain. He stole the computers, and made a deal with a man called Dave Lopez (Argentine space industry) in which he demanded the phone number of Stephen Hawking, in return, Thompson would keep his pie hole shut about the whole indcident. After obtaining the number "Big Pee" then used some of Hawkings ideas to create a time-flux in the interquartile bimedian space dimension qwarkintum to become utterly loaded, in ways unknown. He spread this wealth out to several people world wide, who acted as his puppets, including Bill Gates, Richard Branson and that Mexican guy whose also dead rich, and also coined the phrase "your mum".
From these influential figures, and many more such as Bob Dylan, Neil "Razor" Ruddock and Fembou Latrisse, he rules the world. Conspiracy theorists have put him behind every assassination from Allende to Diana and back again (the way back is via Oliver North), and also they fear Thompson is the mouthpiece for the new world order, thanks to his column in "OK" magazine, where he shares his housekeeping secrets. The fear conspiracy theorists have of a "new world order" is nothing compared to the fear holocaust deniers have of Philosopholis. Philosopholis hates David Irving and right wing parties such as the BNP, as in his own words "i may hate Germans, Italians, the Serbs, Iran and Palestine, but that doesn't make me racist, and i think Irving gives gives new meaning to the phrase "thats a bit shit, innit?" a bit like conservapedia". He also owns several European Football teams, i wont say which, and owns a shovel racket in Las Vegas.
[edit] War Making
War making is one of Philosopholis' favourite past times. During the Afghan-Soviet war, he funded both sides, as in his own words "watching two men you have sent christmas cards to, fighting in the dust, well, its just perfect". During the collapse of Yugoslavia, he threw stones across the Drina at Serbia, and if they hit a Serb, blamed it on a Muslim or Croat, and ran away, which led to the Bosnian war. Around this time, he discovered the fun that could be had taking small children's candy, making scorpions fight, and dropping cats out of windows. He also built a few oil fields, which isn't really as fun as dropping cats. During the Gulf war he sold sand to the Arabs, and demanded payment in crude oil, which he sold and threw at homeless people. As a ruthless oil baron (dont forget he doesn't follow god, which by conservapedia's account makes him a communist) sitting on a huge empire stretching from Carnaby Street to St Martin's church, he has settled down in his home in Norway, which doubles as a launcher for the ICBM's he has pointing at Switzerland, because as he says "everyone needs a scapegoat".
Below is one of a rare series of photos showing Philosopholis in his Norwegian home. Here he is seen planning the destruction of Sheila's Wheels, which he sees as a threat to global masculinity.
[edit] Bit more on life
Philosopholis is the man you love to hate, the man liberals blame on every fuck up from Iran contra to George Dubya, and the man conservatives blame for giving right wing politics a bad name. Most things described as "bad" by people have been attributed to Thompson's handywork. Thompson is married to your mum and has three children from failed marriages to other peoples mums. Thompson has pioneered a new parenting technique, in which he encourages his children to run into walls, then when the inevitable injury and crying begins, no sympathy is given "as they knew what was coming". This has lead to Thompson being voted "parent of the year" in a recent poll by pampers. In his spare time, he enjoys a variety of activities including walking, squash and genocide. His favourite food is your mum and those delightful smoked ham and cheese tortilla wraps from the local spar shop. He has no time for sports, believing music is the way forward in life. His newest song "im gonna Thompson you up" is being recorded at the moment, and features a delightful choir backing from the Kosovan Liberation Army, a guitar solo from Chuck Norris and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad beatboxing.
[edit] Quotes
- "PWNED!"
- "Because, as i always say"
- "You wanna be in my gang my gang my gang you wanna be in my gang? $50 then"
- "I caught my son listening to Fall Out Boy and wearing vans with pink shoelaces, so i kicked him out of an upstairs window"
- "I caught my wife on conservapedia, so i gave her a good beasting"
- "Buy new "Glade Duo"! If you don't i will kill your mum"
- "I see Sheila's wheels as a threat. Women do not need insurance. They shouldn't even be driving. The safest place to be when you know a woman driver is near, is on the road itself"
- "That woman in the corner cold playin' the role, leave her ass in the corner till her feet get cold, knowin' for a fact that girl is whacked, if you hold your hand out she'll turn her back, better walk don't talk she's all pretend, can't be her friend unless you spend, wall to wall after all, get ready to throw only money at the bitch, 'coz she thinks she's so-phisticated"
[edit] The Philosopholis Paradox
There is a longstanding belief that if Big Pee existed, his own power would be so great, he should get the condition Madensiesia, where the brain overloads with power and melts into a goo with the consistancy of semi-melted ice-cream. This is shown in the equation below.
...see.
[edit] Philosopholis and Philosophy
During the mid 90's, a new study has arose in educational circles. Philosophy, or the study of Philosopholis Thompson, looks at everything from the Philosopholis paradox, to his theories on dropping cats out of windows, to beasting techniques. Philosophy was introduced at Royal Holloway University of London in mid 1995, where it instantly became a hit with the students. Subsequently, it has spread far and wide, just down the road to Brunel university, and the University of Baghdad, where Saddam Hussein had the subject banished after Philosopholis double crossed him after a game of charades. It was re-introduced after the coalition invasion of 2003, after the US forces realised that the insurgency was actually students angry that philosophy had been taken off the curriculum.
[edit] The 'Pee Poem'
In January 2001 this poem was found stapled to a small dog in northern Uzbekistan, although the dog was of Serbian Origin. The story it tells gives an insight into Big Pee's shadowy life. It draws mention to his saxaphone playing, which many believe to have been his instrument of choice at Azerbyjamontoast Music College.
The Poem is as follows.
i know a cruel man
known as philosopholis T,
some call him our savior
we know him as Big Pee
he gets out his knife
and chucks it at a cat,
it bleeds to death
and drowns a rat
he uses his ear
in an unconventional way,
he clubs all to death
which is a bit of a shame
one man with a tough head
gave his ear a big dent,
and he gave up killing
because it was lent
but he didn't last long
in ten minutes theres more,
he uses a flame thrower
to kill them for sure
but he stumbled by a child
from whose eyes radiated light,
and this child touched his soul
and he got a fright
he locked the child in a box
and blew it up in commotion,
he was a terroist!
he couldnt feel emotion
the end is nigh
with big pee on the loose,
i tried to stop him
but he ate my goose.
End
The fact that 'some call him our saviour' suggests he has developed a following, as this is the only reference to such, it may be that such followers are just as myserious as Big Pee himself.
