Lebanon

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

الجمهورية اللبنانية
Province of Lebanon
Republique du Libon

(Flag) (Coat of Arms)
Motto: "Hi! Kifak? Ça va?"
Anthem: Tabouli makes us strong
Capital	Beirut
Largest city	Borj El Barajineh, Merwaneyyeh, Maghdousheh, Mieh W Mieh and Kawkaba
Official languages	Arabic with a few French-sounding words and some type of English
Government	Constitutional Monarchy, His honorable King Baal Chmeem
Akhwat Shanay	Abou El Zilof
GDP	- $5000 (Lebanese are permanently in debt)
Membership	UN, The Holy Trinity, Arab League, Premier League, League Table, Table Mountain, Times Table
Location	About a rocket's distance from Israel
National Hero(es)	Abou Elias, Imm Houssein, Dwayk, Monk, and Paul Anka
Declaration of Formation	Established by Phoenicians
Currency	Grey Matter
Religion	Christianism, Crusadism, Maronitism, and Islamicism
Population	4 million (up up and away)
Hantoor	Hezbollah-mobile
Official drink	Anything with "Diet" in it, Bacardi Breezers in light fruity flavours, Charab el Ward.
National holiday	Kebbeh Day

The Gae Lebanon (Arabic: الجمهوريه اللبنانيه), originally: The French Republic of Libon ("La République Française de Le Banon"), is a smallish Phoenician country in the Middle East, bordering the Mediterranean sea. The capital of Lebanon is Beirut. (This would be the boutique capital, as there is no real government there.) As well as Allah, Lebanon gives praise to Jesus and God; and indeed, "Jesus God!" is a typical exclamation when a bomb explodes a block away. Lebanon is a place of fun, nightlife, general civil unrest, and war for territory. It is the church capital of the Middle-East.

Despite a few dozen wars over the past two decades, Lebanon has a reputation as a charming little place that attracts millions of lost tourists, year after year; and as a fine, sunny spot from which to bomb Israel. Ancient legend predicts that Lebanon will be the birthplace of the Cyborg God and the next Techno Prophet, though it might expedite things if Hezbollah could be induced to pick a different country as its military base.

The name "République de Le Banon," slurred as "République de la banane," may be the basis for the colloquial expression "Banana Republic."

[edit] Concept

Lebanon was a fabulous concept: an oasis of interdenominational peace smack-dab in the middle of a desert of perpetual war, a cosmopolitan place where Christian, Moslem, and Jew could have a good meal downtown and momentarily forget their centuries-old blood feud.

The government would be secular, and even paper over the divisions between Sunni and Shi'a Muslims. The President, Prime Minister, and Speaker of the Parliament would represent the two major divisions of Islam and the Christians (the Maronites, also known as Martians); moreover, they would exchange roles every few months, often as a result of card games or bets involving dice. The Parliament would be balanced according to religion. The Deputy Speaker would be required to have three nostrils. This unprecedented arrangement encouraged national leaders to forget which sect they belonged to. It also ruled out the entry of new sects, such as televangelists from Texas.

In short, it was an excellent experiment in getting people to remove their hands from each other's throats and try to govern a nation. It gave a role to each of the 18 officially recognized sects, in exact proportion to their numerical strength, provided no one ever changed his mind, forgot what group he belonged to, gave birth, died, or moved in or out. And they had French Canada as an example of intractable factions (linguistic in that case) living in peace together through the joint practice of indecision.

That was the theory. The practical result was: It worked for a while. However, when it is prearranged which sect controls every single job, then the only way to effect a shift in the balance of power is...a fifteen-year civil war.

At the moment, Lebanon is operated by the Hezbollah band of terrorists, with financial backing from Iran, for the sole purpose of tweaking the nose of Israel and crying to the U.N. when Israel returns fire.

[edit] Flag

The Lebanese flag is a unique flag comprising red, white and green. The red symbolizes Bloods (an American gang, of which Hezbollah is symbolically part). The white symbolizes cocaine, which Hezbollah uses regularly. Having given Muslims a nod, the flag also contains a Christmas Tree, to throw a sop to the Christians living in Lebanon.

[edit] Demographics

The demographic map of Lebanon shows that the great majority of bomb craters reside in the southern part of the country.

The polite term for Lebanesians are "Lebs," although there are many more impolite terms. The issue of Lebanese demographics is complex and is in fact one of the inherently insoluble Hilbert problems. Lebanesians are wannabe-Phoenicians who believe they're French or American, which is why they try to speak French or English. But their French and English ancestry is nonexistent, because all the Mediterranean people are one and the same.

Lebanon is known for hunky males (on display throughout downtown Beirut). Their attraction may owe to their Lebanese accent, which sounds foreign even within Lebanon. The fastest runners in Lebanon are teenage boys trying to protect themselves from the love that surrounds them. Females party all night in nightclubs, drink, smoke weed, hookah, and cigarettes like there's no tomorrow, and hit on the hot men.

Most of the population of southern Lebanon is descended from the Irish army, who thought they were being sent on UN peacekeeping duty, only to discover the Israelis were on the other side of that mountain, armed to the teeth. The Lebanirish (as they are known) all have the same mother, one Sally O'Brien (and the way she might look at ye!) who was sent over to film a commercial in 1979 but ended up frying eggs under the heat of the sun.

Lebs living overseas may join the Leb Anon organization for expatriates. Chapters in most national capitals offer a twelve-step program for recovering Lebanese. The first step is for the individual to admit that he has a problem and needs help. Those who complete the course understand that they will always remain Lebanese, but by avoiding relapses may play a productive role in society.

Lebanon was also one of the first countries to adopt the widespread practice of incest. This occurred around 1845 (which is quarter to seven in the new money).

[edit] History

Historians believe that The Crusades killed many of the Martians in the Holy Land. The survivors therefore fled north to a land rich with cedar trees and plain yogurt. Many believe that the Great Lebanese Empire was created with Lebanon's resources. However, disputes regarding what politician's face to be imprinted on the coins led to internal unrest and ultimately to the fall of the Empire, two hours after its rise.

Infighting over petty issues remains to this day. Any such issue is met with shouting, waving of arms, and the well-known gesture directing attention to a problem with the arms outstretched, fingers open and palms facing upwards. This gesture was immortalized in song by Billy Idol as the "Lebo Yell," though this was changed to "Rebel Yell" at the insistence of Archbishop Saleem El Tabel of the church of Nutella.

[edit] The 2006 Conflict

Friendly IDF warning sign. Lebanon, circa 1983

In July 2006, the nation of Israel and the nomadic army of Hezbollah decided to air longstanding grievances, and settled on Lebanon as a venue. They reasoned that southern Lebanon was relatively undeveloped, and that no one would stop them. Hezbollah dug into southern Lebanon and started lobbing bombs into residential areas of Israel until Israel decided to stop acting pious and peaceful and returned fire.

During this conflict, Lebanon deployed its own, very capable fighting force, which is made from cheese. Its military might was recently simulated in 1/72 scale against Israeli aggression, with hand-carved Hezbollah model soldiers standing by as the paint was still wet. The Lebanese army valiantly destroyed the main runway of Beirut Airport, along with vital national infrastructure such as Adidas stores, any shop selling white baseball caps with ridiculously long peaks, and the local public toilets (Hotel d'Amour Leb). They also beat the enemies back to the tuck shop.

Certain parties in Lebanon blame Hezbollah for the conflict, especially as eyewitness reports confirmed Hezbollah's use of the internationally-banned Slinky on Lebanese territory during the 33-day-long war. The Slinky proved to be the decisive weapon.

[edit] Current conflict

It remains true that the only way to overcome longstanding tradition on the division of political power between your sect and another sect is to kill everyone in the other sect. Consequently, after some heated debate over who invented olive oil, and the use of certain "fighting words," war looked imminent between His Majesty the King of the South and the Sufi Prince who controls the North. Fierce letters were sent, and a casserole war took place in early 2009, also known as حرب الطناجر

[edit] Genetics

According to Charles Darwin (actually the stage name of Lebanese scientist Doodee El Inderi), the first cell from which humans were created was Lebanese. Moreover, all humans carry a Lebanese gene. This gene, located on the short arm of chromosome 33 (lb10452 p33), is present in all Lebanese people. It codes for a protein that increases the efficiency of neurons and enables humans to learn the alphabet. The exact mechanism is not known yet, and there are obviously different levels of genetic expression, as most Lebanese learn none of the 22 alphabets necessary to read the morning's newspaper.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Lebanon.

A separate Lebanese gene is responsible for absurdly large noses, such as the nose of Danny Thomas and his Uncle Tounouse who lived in Toledo, Ohio. This Lebanese gene has not yet been identified, nor is there an antidote.

[edit] See also

• Jihad
• Statecraft