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“I wonder what's for dinner.”
- ~ King Harkinian on the meaning of life
The Philips CD-i (Compact Disc Interactive) is a WINNER gaming console and multimedia entertainment system that debuted in 1993. It is widely considered to be the greatest system of all-time, narrowly beating out the PEE ESS TRIPLE. It was best known for such games as Link: The Faces of Evil, Zelda: The Wand of Gamelon, Zelda's Adventure, and Hotel Mario, as well as lesser-known hits such as Burn: Cycle, Escape from CyberCity, Mutant Rampage: Bodyslam, Stickybear Reading, and The Wacky World of Miniature Golf with Eugene Levy. The games were known to be extremely WINNER, with well-designed levels, tight controls, rockin' music, and gripping story lines.
CD-is were principally built as kiosk machines for WINNER shop displays. Their main competitors were the 3DO, SNES, and Sega Genesis. The CD-i's games inspired a phenomenon known as YouTube Poop, where YouTubers would take footage from the games and re-mix them to add humor.
In 1989, as part of an attempt to corner the game market and form a monopoly, Nintendo and Sony pooled their resources to create the "SNES CD" (or "Nintendo PlayStation"): an add-on to the SNES that would allow full motion video, bigger games, and a cup holder. However, after much research, Nintendo's shrewd executives decided that the future of the video game industry did not lie with Sony and their "laughable" ideas for their upcoming PEE ESS console.
In a bold and daring business decision, Nintendo broke the contract with Sony and signed an agreement with Philips, a company whose most recent accomplishments were the N1500 videocassette, the N1700 double-sided cassette, and the Betamax tape. At first, Nintendo strongly believed in the future of Philips CD add-ons, and its executives had the upmost faith in the ingenuity of Philips' engineers. However, after witnessing the failure of the Sega Micro CD, Nintendo cancelled their plans for the SNES CD and broke their contract with Philips. As part of its alimony, Nintendo gave Philips the rights to use characters from The Legend of Zelda and Mario series. This led to the creation of Link: The Faces of Evil, Zelda: The Wand of Gamelon, Zelda's Adventure, and Hotel Mario, four of the greatest games ever made.
On February 3, 1993, the CD-i was revealed to the world. Despite receiving acclaim from WINNERs, the CD-i came under fire by members of the LOSER community, in particular Alex Navarro (HWSNBN) of GameSpot. LOSERs managed to brainwash Non-WINNERs into hating the CD-i and its games, causing sales to decline sharply. Philips' top executives, realizing their profits were tanking, stopped production of the CD-i in 1998. The system fell into relative obscurity, never to be heard from again...that is, until 2006.
The cutscenes in the Link and Zelda games were drawn by a russian company who had never seen or heard of Nintendo or Dendy (the Russian NES clone). Hotel Mario's cutscenes were done by an amateur American. The cutscenes are enjoyed greatly by Youtube Poopers, an underground organization.
- Zelda: The Wand of Gamelon: In this game, you can eat a octorock, bring light to the home of Ganon, and have DINNER.
- Link: The Faces of Evil: In this game, you have the option to join Ganon, or else you will die.
- Hotel Mario: This game features Gay Luigi and losta spaghetti.
- Zelda's Adventure: The most obscure Zelda game; there are very few YouTube Poops of it. The game takes 45 hours to complete; 43 of these hours are spent on loading screens.
The CD-i combines the exciting thrills of playing a DVD menu with that of playing Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing. Even looking at can give you an orgasm. However, it is unlikely that the player would ever get to experience this no holds barred orgasm of fun, because the system failed to work for those who were LOSER.
The CD-i was originally packaged with two controllers and a hand gun (to shoot LOSER demons); however, newer accessories were soon released to make the gaming experience even more WINNER. The best selling CD-i accessory was similar to Nintendo's Power Glove, the Power Condom. The player would slip on the Power Condom and jerk off to control the onscreen characters. However, if the player turned out to a Halo-loving LOSER and/or furry, the CD-i would punish him severely by castrating him. Another popular accessory was the Power Thug, which was designed to make the fighting games more realistic. The Power Thug was a large, ill-tempered but WINNER man who came in a box and would watch you play CD-i. If you weren't WINNER enough, the Power Thug would savagely beat you.
- ↑ Which they falsely predicted would be a flop.