Philadelphia Police Department

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Armed police

This guy just asked someone for directions...

The Philadelphia Police Department is a fascist organization formed in 1920 in Germany. It can also count as a synonym for corrupt, lazy, KKK, drunk, or just plain stupid. Basically, the Philadelphia Police (AKA: Keystone Kops) are the epitome of what comes first in the mind of people who hear the word "police".

They will usually take their time and refuse to answer a call for emergency... Unless you have money or some connection to the city (whether it be in some slow and inneffectual city administration, one of the public utility departments, or have ties to the corrupt and not-so-merciful Keystone-Mercy HMO).

Oh, and if they do arrive for you, and you are not in any way connected to any influential groups or individuals, than they might as well never have shown up because you can simply expect close to NOTHING, except a citation against YOU if you ever call them again (and you can kiss your expectations good-bye if you are ever caught in disputes with one of those well-connected or rich as described above).

edit History

edit Promising Origins

The Philadelphia Police Department was created by the Glorious Leader Frank Rizzo (who may have been a reincarnation of his great uncle, Benito Mussolini), who had a grand vision for the city of brotherly love (which was at the time plagued by an invasion of fags and Hippies from the North), thus he created the greatest Police Force in the world, the PPD. Philadelphia was known as the most Hippie free state in the country.

However, power corrupts even the nobelists of people, and after becoming mayor, Emperor Rizzo became a tyrant who spent his last years running a reign of terror on the city. Now the police are here are some of the most hated of the world.

The memory of Frank Rizzo is still fondly celebrated annually, through the Mummer's Parade wherein Irish Philadelphians from the 2 Street neighborhood (more broadly known as South I-95) wear their fiercest war bonnets and shimmering peacock tails to frighten away Philadelphia's homosexuals and African-Americans. Ironically both homosexuals and African-Americans are quite fond of bright shiny things and the performance has been a consistent failure, as Philadelphians excel at failing.


None have entered the grasp of the PPD and lived, but Philadelphian scholars estimate that the PPD entrance exam may be something similar to the following:

1. On a scale of one to a hundred, how proud are you of your Irish heritage?

2. How gay would you go for Frank Rizzo? Be descriptive.

3. Is scrapple a sustaining treat or an interrogation method?

edit Typical Philadelphia Police Actions

Cops will normally yell at you for the following things:

  • sitting down in public
  • smoking near...oh...anything
  • looking suspicious, i.e. black, hispanic
  • asking for directions
  • acting suspicious
  • peeing
  • being queer
  • breathing
  • existing

Cops will however IGNORE anybody who seems to be committing a genuine crime, like for instance, shooting someone in the head.

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