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“Let's trade him!”
Rarest of all eagles, the magnificent Philadelphia Choking Eagle drove many teams to the edge of extinction, preyed on the Broncos, Cardinals, and Falcons, and hunted by the feminine Cowgirls from Dallas, rather smallish Giants from New York , and the stupid Redskins, who nobody cares about, from Washington.
These Eagles have a habit of appearing in 10 NFC championship games in a row, especially when their insane fan base needs them to win the most. This causes the fans to kill giants fans, until they put on a magnificent comeback, only to win when said fan base needs them to win the most. This process repeats until there are no more pussy Giants fans left, but because new yorkers in general are insane, there will always be less fans. Since the Eagles have never won a Super Bowl, they rank as the biggest tease in pro football.
The US Department of Birds, Animals and Icky Bugs (USDBAIB) has issued a bounty on the remaining birds, estimated to be only 36 or so in number. The reasons for this bounty are fourfold. Perhaps it will forever remain a mystery.
Firstly, it costs an average of $2.4m each year to protect each endangered species. It would be cheaper and less expensive, as well as saving large sums of money, if the bird were truly extinct.
Secondly, the bird's droppings are disgustingly smelly, and it's well worth a loss of biodiversity just to keep one's Ferrari windscreen clean.
Thirdly, God hates the Eagles. This is easily shown by a few examples:
- Matt Bryant's 62 yard Field Goal
- Terrell Owens
- Donovan McNabb's ACL tear
- Donovan McNabb's ankle
- Donovan McNabb's groin
- Donovan McNabb's vomit
- Donovan McNabb's mom Wilma
- Donovan McNabb's...well pretty much the man himself
- Michael Lewis
- Greg Lewis
- Chad Lewis
- Dhani Jones
- Every referee in the entire NFL
- Everyone from BYU
- The 2003 NFC Championship Game
- The 2011/2012 NFL Season
- Rich Kotite
- The city of Philadelphia
- Ben and Matt
- Ben and Jerry
- Ben and Jenn
- Jen and Brad
- Brad and Angelina
- Angelina and whoever she's humping that minute
- William Penn
- Sean Penn
- Penn and Teller
- Michael Vick
Conservationists are keeping quiet about the fact that the bird is genetically identical to the Kentuckistan Eagle, a swarming menace being culled by the million.
Too bad that McNubb is on the Vikings, earlier on the foreskins, now another team will have to suffer for his lack of ability. McNabb was eventually replaced by criminal/rapper Mystikal on a work release program, often booed at homes games for being left handed.
V.S. The Falcons
The Eagles have been known to defeat Vick and his Falcons. Despite this, Vick continues to challenge McNabb to put an end to his evil rain of clothes and cheese steaks. McNabb responded by giving Vick a gift of 25 pitbulls with the note "thought you'd have fun with these." McNabb then sat and waited.........
....and then they signed Vick. Irony's a bitch.
The Epic Failure of 2009
In 2009, the Eagles failed at their other sole purpose in life: defeating the Dallas Cowboys. In fact, as later research would indicate, their starting Quarterback Donovan McNabb suffered from a viral temporary amnesia, and had completely forgotten how to score a touchdown. The virus, later identified as "BDV" spread throughout the NFL, afflicting even the man who dismantled his team Tony Homo 2 weeks later. It was revealed later still that "BDV" is a sexually transmitted disease, which has given the entire scientific community pause. After an interview with Michael Vick, twisting the heads off of puppies in the shower room, stating "I hope Donovan can get his memory back. This team needs to make it to next year and him lead us to the SuperBowl", The rest of the locker room burst into laughter. F-A-I-L-U-R-E-S FAILURES!!!!
The Epic Failure of 2011
In 2011, the Eagles acquired Half the NFL. They watched the Miami Heat attempt to acquire 3 of the best NBA players and fail to win the Finals, and thought that getting half the league would make it impossible to lose. With this, Hype followed the Eagles as QB Michael Vick lead the team to victory. Did I just say victory? I meant a few wins, but a horrible season where they didn't even make the playoffs. The Eagles then had to admit, that even with half the NFL in tow, they still couldn't succeed.
The Eagles and Sportsmanship
Year after year, Eagles fans have been showcased by the NFL as the golden standard for un-sportsmanship and overal douchy behavior. And with Good reason! Well known for always aiming away from the eyes of the Redskins fan they're spitting on, giving directions to the nearest hospital to the bloody puddle that was once a Giants fan, cheering in large numbers for a man who tortured and murdered hundreds of dogs and even collecting money for the Cowboys fan who had his intestines ripped out at halftime, Eagles fans are always sure to treat visiting NFL fans with all the respect they deserve. Why? Because Eagles fans act like fucksticks when their team lose. Remedy? Why dont you move? Assholes.
They booed Santa Claus once. Santa Claus! They also threw snowballs at him. (Actually a true story!)
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