Philadelphia Eagles
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“WINNER!”
~ Eagles' Opponents in the NFC Championship Game on themselves
Rarest of all eagles, the magnificent Philadelphia Choking Eagle drove many teams to the edge of extinction, preyed on the Broncos, Cardinals, and Falcons, and hunted by the feminine Cowgirls from Dallas, rather smallish Giants from New York , and the stupid Redskins, who nobody cares about, from Washington.
These Eagles have a habit of appearing in 10 NFC championship games in a row, especially when their insane fan base needs them to win the most. This causes the fans to kill giants fans, until they put on a magnificent comeback, only to win when said fan base needs them to win the most. This process repeats until there are no more pussy Giants fans left, but because new yorkers in general are insane, there will always be less fans. Since the Eagles have never won a Super Bowl, they rank as the biggest tease in pro football.
The US Department of Birds, Animals and Icky Bugs (USDBAIB) has issued a bounty on the remaining birds, estimated to be only 36 or so in number. The reasons for this bounty are fourfold. Perhaps it will forever remain a mystery.
Firstly, it costs an average of $2.4m each year to protect each endangered species. It would be cheaper and less expensive, as well as saving large sums of money, if the bird were truly extinct.
Secondly, the bird's droppings are disgustingly smelly, and it's well worth a loss of biodiversity just to keep one's Ferrari windscreen clean.
Thirdly, God hates the Eagles. This is easily shown by a few examples:
- Matt Bryant's 62 yard Field Goal
- Terrell Owens
- Donovan McNabb's ACL tear
- Donovan McNabb's ankle
- Donovan McNabb's groin
- Donovan McNabb's vomit
- Donovan McNabb's mom Wilma
- Donovan McNabb's...well pretty much the man himself
- Michael Lewis
- Greg Lewis
- Chad Lewis
- Dhani Jones
- Every referee in the entire NFL
- Everyone from BYU
- The 2003 NFC Championship Game
- Rich Kotite
- The city of Philadelphia
- Ben and Matt
- Ben and Jerry
- Ben and Jenn
- Jen and Brad
- Brad and Angelina
- Angelina and whoever she's humping that minute
- William Penn
- Sean Penn
- Penn and Teller
- Teller
Conservationists are keeping quiet about the fact that the bird is genetically identical to the Kentuckistan Eagle, a swarming menace being culled by the million.
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[edit] The Epic Failure of 2008
In 2008, the Eagles failed at their sole purpose in life: obtaining a PA Civil War Super Bowl against the Pittsburg Pirates to prove once and for all that Eastern PA is awesome and Western PA sucks. E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES!
[edit] V.S. The Falcons
The Eagles have been known to defeat Vick and his Falcons. Despite this, Vick continues to challenge McNabb to put an end to his evil rain of clothes and cheese steaks. McNabb responded by giving Vick a gift of 25 pitbulls with the note "thought you'd have fun with these." McNabb then sat and waited.........
....and waited....
....and then they signed Vick. Irony's a bitch.
[edit] The Eagles and Sportsmanship
Year after year, Eagles fans have been showcased by the NFL as the golden standard for sportsmanship. And with Good reason! Well known for always aiming away from the eyes of the Redskins fan they're spitting on, giving directions to the nearest hospital to the bloody puddle that was once a Giants fan, and even collecting money for the Cowboys fan who had his intestines ripped out at halftime, Eagles fans are always sure to treat visiting NFL fans with all the respect they deserve. Why? Because Eagles fans act like fucksticks when their team lose.
[edit] See also
