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“This guy's only good at one thing. Investing.”
“Tits Mickelson? Didn't he win some golf tournaments?”
“Why on earth would you want a quote from the entire cast of Scrubs regarding Tits Nicholas??”
“I banged him...”
Tits Mickelson is... without question... the most in-debt professional gambler in the entire world. In addition to currently having no money, he will almost certainly never make enough money to even out before he dies.
Oddly enough, almost none of his debt is gambling related. He's actually quite a good gambler, and regularly makes hundreds of thousands of dollars on every trip to Vegas, which is usually tri-monthly. His debt, the exact monetary figure of which is unknown and currently being calculated by three Swiss priests in a think-tank at The Pentagon, is accruing interest at a rate that has caught up with, and sadly, exceeded the gross national product 14 years ago.
This article is too close to the TRUTH!
Citizens should begin to feel uneasy or bemused now. Fnord.
edit Early Childhood
Tits "Phil" Mickelson began gambling at the age of 1, when he risked his entire life by standing up on a wheeled office-chair in order to reach a stack of poker-chips. Thinking that they were drugs, he was willing to risk falling and damaging his very soft head, which had not yet hardened into the very oddly indestructible titanium-alloy brain-condom that he enjoys today. While his skull currently cannot be fractured by any method known to man (due to unusual late-adolescent chemical changes in his cranium), he was cursed early on in life with the Guinness Book record holding softest head of all time. While babies' skulls are not fully formed at birth in order to give them and mom a better survival chance during the birth process, they usually harden early on in infancy to give the baby better survival chances during lawn-darts. However, Tits's skull didn't harden; it remained a gelatinous stew for 16 years rendering him susceptible(sp?) to brain damage from even the slightest poke, prod, gentle breeze, or Gallagher Concert.
Once he turned 16, and his peener finally moved for the first time, an unprecedented biological phenomenon occurred, reported by the Mickelson family endocrinologist to be nothing short of "really fucked up!" His cranial chemistry fostered an imbalance which resulted in rapid hardening of his skull that continues to this very day. A separate, merely trivial think-tank of well rounded number crunchers are charting his skull's hardness to see if there is any coincidental correlating mathematical function between the hardening of his head and the growth of his insurmountable, interest-hulking debt. This think-tank is a non-profit endeavor and admits that this particular study is "just for shits and giggles".
edit Young Adulthood
When Tits's brain became permanently encased in what seemed to be a rock-hard shell of solid irony, his love of gambling REALLY took off big-time. He found he could make lots of money by wagering fellow college students that they could wail on his head with a tire-iron and he'd still be able to say his name and the date. This was a good way for him to make tons of beer money (which ironically turned out to be the only way he would ever manage to achieve brain damage) but he really didn't care for it because he knew he would win every time. The thrill of gambling wasn't there, and he needed to find it somewhere else.
On his 21st birthday, he took three years worth of saved-up tire-iron money to the Meadowlands Racetrack and bet all of it on one horse, Green Sylvan, to show. And show it did!! It was pure luck and the winning felt okay but what really got Tits's rocks off was the fact that he had so much money on some random horse that he'd never even heard of. This was a thrill he needed to recreate just about every day, and the only reason he made sure to get very very good at gambling was so that he'd be able to continue doing it for the rest of his natural, and then vegetative stasis life.
edit Mid Adulthood
“I heard he fired a gun at his TIVO and then invented the Ionic Breeze air purifier..”
This is where things got a little zany for Tits Mickelson. He didn't know it, but he was a few days away from making a move that would leave him and his every descendant in debt until the very end of time. When he graduated Oxford with a B.S.A. in orienteering, he decided that the scientific miracle that was his skull needed a landmark that could be seen from space. He commissioned the largest man-made crater to be dug in Canada's Northwest Territory. This crater, the size of Delaware, barely disrupts the vast wasteland that is the Northwest Territory. What made it so expensive though, is how DEEP it is. And how wide. (Delaware may be small for a state, but it's still large for a private earth-moving project). The depth of his crater varies, but at some points is as deep as 74 feet. Canadians want to call it a Canyon, but Americans say that the continent already has enough canyons, thank you very much! Until the geographical community comes to an agreement at 2009's international Geo-Summit in Brussels, most people are calling it a 'basin' or 'wide ditch'. Immature web sites and morning radio are dubbing some more inappropriate sounding titles for the project, and they can be seen at www.chodeoftheearth.com/canada.
In order to fund this project, Tits Mickelson had to employ many of the massive earth-moving machines that have been seen hourly on the discovery channel, as well as their operators. This was super expensive because in order to out-bid the Discovery Channel for the services of Earth Moving Contractors of Texas, Mickelson had to settle with both parties and pay for the firm's permanent relocation to the Northwest Territory and produce 10 years worth of programming for the discovery channel. A good business move would have been to produce discovery channel shows about his earth-moving project up north, but sadly the accounting-impaired Mickelson decided to fund 14 seasons worth of reality shows about tattoos, and another about the local golfing ban around the shores of Scotland's Loch Ness.
Why did Mickelson need the inspirational antique machines that pioneered the strip-mining industry themselves rather than modern, still unfathomably expensive but at least mathematically cost-calculable and reasonably region-relocatable machines that are commonly used today? Well we don't know, really. Friends, loved ones, accountants, lawyers, and even the president tried to talk him out of it, but to be quite frank, Tits Mickelson has a thick skull. (Which is only in coincidence to its hardness, his rare condition has no affect on its width).
edit Unusually Known Facts
“I absolutely guarantee you that in some way, no matter how obscure or convoluted, Tits Mickelson is a descendant of Robert Winthrop Simpson...”
- Though police were suspicious, no charges were cited when Tits Mickelson was pulled over in 1997 for a minor traffic violation, during which he was found in possession 587 copies of a single issue of Cottage Living magazine.
- Tits Mickelson took the Series 7 exam in 1993. The only reason he took the test is because someone wagered him $800 that he could pass it. Tits flunked the test, winning the wager.
- Tits Mickelson has a pool in his backyard shaped like Vandenberg Air Force Base.
- Tits Mickelson tried playing golf once, at a Church community outing. It was the first and last time he ever tried it, getting so frustrated that he punched his pastor in the head. Monsignor Roger Tamil was quick to forgive Tits, agreeing that golf is "indeed a mother-fucking pain in the taint".
- Tits Mickelson is terrified of silk-worms.
- Tits Mickelson has a running wager with composer Titsip Glass that Dick Clark will someday be killed by a malfunction of the New Years Eve ball.
- Tits Mickelson occasionally hobbies as a rodeo clown, and can be seen in the special features of Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan.
- Tits Mickelson donates hundreds of dollars each year to mens hair-loss research. Oddly, he's not afflicted by male pattern balding himself and says angrily of those who are: "They couldn't gamble their way out of call girl's maid outfit."
- Tits Mickelson once broke a vice grip with his head the same way Curley Howard did in the Three Stooges episode "Disorder in the Court".
- Irish rock-star and actor Bob Geldof is organizing a rock festival similar to Live 8 in order to encourage forgiveness of the Mickelson debt for Tits's children. Bands that have signed on for "Live-Bate" thus far include: The Flaming Lips, Spoon, Ween, Wheatus, Helmet, Glove and Special Sauce, and the Simon and Garfunkel reggae tribute band S&G-Funk Allstars.
- Tits Mickelson's favorite sexual position involves a yamulke filled with sand, an eviction notice, and a suicidal cartographer.
- Tits Mickelson was once employed by billionaire Seattle Seahawks owner Paul Allen as his personal Baccarat coach.