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Pharaoh Hatshepsut was the first woman to become Pharaoh in Egypt. She stood at about eight and half feet tall in very high heels , which was comparatively short in the early fifteenth century B.C.E.
Hatshepsut was the only daughter of King Tuthmoses I, pharaoh of Egypt, Lord of the Nile and Master of Ceremonies at the Giza Souvenir Gift Shop. Tuthmoses fell out with the local priests in Memphis over their excessive worship of El-vis and so moved to Thebes in the Deep South of Egypt where crocodile wrestling was still the main cultural event on a Saturday night. The new capital suited 'Tutty' where he had built a large temple with a porch and papyrus decking where he would sit for hours in his sarong, whistling and scratching an extended royal belly.
Like all good Southerners, Hatshepsut was expected to marry into her own family - in this case her half-brother Tuthmoses Junior. He wore hand-woven cotton dungarees and smelt of horses but had no shortage of slaves provided to roll with him in the hay loft. Hatsheput was expected to do the same for 'Toothy' Junior when the time came but her father wanted his daughter to get an education, if only it meant he had someone to talk to over the stuffed hippo starter.
Hatsheput was allowed to get on with her studies as it was expected she would be servicing the gods in their garishly decorated temples. Her main duties as pharaoh's future sister-wife were offering cooked meat on a "lived maat", a woven plant that cured all cancers and grew like weeds, having tantric sex with Horus, and due to her stunning degree in Communications, which she earned after applying as an international student at Babylon University, Hatsheput was the main contact to the people of Er. This handy connection led to the epic construction of 3D triangles, and ground breaking scientific experiments in Animal/Human morphing. It was also here it was later suggested that Hatsheput had a relationship with a fund raising local politician Abraham Dodge Wagon and gave birth to a secret son called Othermoses (O'Mose for short). It was later said that many years later he killed his mother on a family vacation to Stonehenge by claiming to represent a group of people who called themselves 'Jewish' and it was his calling to free them.
Hatshepsut knew that to achieve her goal she must first excel in academics while maintaining her perfect figure, because ugly people never make it. She blew through her first semester, awkwardly blew through the second semester and then blew her high school literature teacher in the final year (sleeping with your tutor helped even then). Hatsheput received a perfect 6.0 graduating valedictorian, her speech consisted of seven inspiring hieroglyphs would have made her father Tuthmoses I cry - if hadn't been detained on arrival from Egypt and then deported by the Babylonian Home Security department. However they sent him back to Assyria rather than Egypt as 'all foreigners from there looked the same'. The Assyrians gratefully took in old Tuthmoses and had him pulled apart by four bulls at Nineveh. It was a harsh interpretation of the law of hospitality, compounded when the Assyrian government kindly posted Tuthmoses pickled genitalia to a grieving daughter.
Because of restricting laws against minorities of her type, Hatsheput was now faced with two choices: stay in Babylon and join the booming prostitution business there or return home. Luckily, not only was she a tough cookie, Hatsheput was a smart biscuit. She devised a plan:go ahead and marry her hayseed brother Tuthmoses Junior to gain access to Egypt's riches, wield political influence and have the best pick of the cotton crop. With such elegance and luxury Egyptian cotton provides you'll forget that you bought your mattress used!
Hatshepsut, in accordance with her vow, hired a hit man to murder her husband. She had originally planned to undertake him herself; however, Babylon accepted her on a full 'park and ride' scholarship. Hatshepsut felt she could not afford to lose her scholarship on the ground of being convicted of a felony. Unfortunately, in a freak parallel chariot parking accident Hatshepsut killed her hit man, this left her only one option: to verbally abuse her husband until he committed suicide.
Cleverly Hatsheput acted all the sexy,sweet southern gal at her wedding ceremony on the formal marriage to her brother as they were crowned Pharaohs of Egypt. Once the ceremonies were over, she let her tongue rip on her no good brother. He was dead within er..14 days (though other sources say 14 years). According to close relatives and friends, Tuthmoses Junior was very self-conscious about his severe athletes foot fungal infection and put an end to his misery by putting a crossbow bolt through his head. Hatshepsut was now in charge but had to agree to share the throne with her brother's little boy Tuthmoses Junior-Junior (later Tuthomoses III). He was still in diapers and Hatsheput could reasonably hope the little brat would be eaten by crocodiles or drown in the Nile under the guise of an accident . Her solo rule now marked this period in Egyptian history known as the New (Girl Power!) Kingdom.
One of Hatshepsut's more popular contributions to the New Kingdom of Egypt, the ground breaking construction of such bold shapes revitalized national identity of B.C.E Egyptians. After several heart breaking failures of ruling her kingdom, and the embarrassing, not to mention unexpected, birth of her son Ra-Ra; Hatshepsut began to really put her communications degree into action. She started by making some serious connections with the ever popular Greek Gods and made the pleasant discovery that false flattery produced a more loyal clientele, and endless social networking possibilities.
Beginning by offering free legal advice to the Minotaur, Hatshepsut quickly befriended his mother, Queen Pasiphae, who introduced Hatshepsut to Helios. He ran a day care, and quickly took to Hatshepsut's son, Ra-Ra, who Helios said had a very bright future, despite his stupid name. In any case, she eventually met up with a diplomat for the people of Er who had a brother in contracting. This brother not only was in the building business, he had an Associates degree in 3D architecture, an experimental way of building things in the fourteenth century B.C.E. His name was Taharka, a name that suggested he was either a surfer or an otter.
After several loop holes through bureaucracy, failed bills, a war, and a genocide, Egypt began construction. Upon initial surveying of the site, Taharka realized his artistic capabilities, and turned a medium sized construction into a full-scale, larger than life, size of Texas, larger than an obese woman's braziers, project. In order to complete the project Taharka had to make use of his own peoples' work force, and introduced migrant works into Egypt. The migrant workers of Er struck a xenophobic chord with native Egyptians creating the first immigrant scare. Some Egyptians held the opinion that these Er people were not so bad, and some of them were kinda cute, thus creating a mix race of people. Other Egyptians held the opinion that the people of Er were scum, and not to be trusted; unless they were cute. Being attractive saved the lives of many intellectuals and scholars, because in Er being intelligent automatically made you Sexy.
The 3D Triangles were completed in two summers, but created an indestructible bond between the people of Er and the Egyptians. As celebration, the people of Er introduced a week of commemoration in the fall. In this celebration it was customary to eat only bread, that has not had time to rise and tastes like a dull cracker, for a week, tactfully place Karpas, Beizah Egg, Z'roa Bone, Charoset, Chazeret, and Maror on a plate and sing: She-b'khol ha-layloht anu okhlin sh'ar y'rakot, sh'ar y'rakot. Ha-lahylah ha-zeh, ha-lahylah ha-zeh, maror. It was a joyous celebration, but most Egyptians missed real bread, and were very happy when the week was over.
Ground Breaking Science
Another notable, and ground breaking contribution, Hatshepsut made to Egyptian society was her generous funding to experimental sciences. During the monumental construction of the 3D Triangles and Hatshepsut's pregnancy with her second child, King Tut; Hammurabi, an up and coming physician from Mesopotamia with a passion for responsibility and performing surgery to a paying audience, submitted a bid in experimental sciences. In his bid Hammurabi proposed morphing various animal parts to humans and vice versa. Normally, this might not have passed, but due to the extreme stress and mood changes Pharaoh Hatshepsut was experiencing she felt it her duty to fund inhumane pain to random subjects of her kingdom. In the long term perspective, the project opened doors to human anatomy and scientific discoveries that would later be praised in the Geneva convention.
I digress, soon after Hammurabi began gathering subjects Hatshepsut gave birth to King Tut. As a baby shower gift, Hammurabi presented his first success to the recovering mother Pharaoh: a man wearing only a skirt, and his human head had been replaced by that of one from a jackal. In addition, his skin had been permanently dyed a bright gold. Needless to say Hatshepsut was so grateful for such a gift she invited Hammurabi into her chambers, and soon was pregnant with her most beautiful child, Cleopatra.
Dirty Little Secret
Hatshepsut was driven and stubborn woman. After the death of her half brother husband, she refused to remarry, and continued to have several unattached lovers. Her children did not have the same father, nor were they gods; Zeus was adamant in using protection, as not to be continual hounded by more illegitimate children wanting money. Hatshepsut refused to be tied down due to her fear that she would be subject to a lover only after her immense power and riches. This fear turned into an obsession, this obsession turned into an addiction, and this addiction turned into a drag show!
When Hatshepsut hit her mid thirties she began frequenting a popular gay club, located on the southern part of the Nile, called Bottoms Up. It was here were she met her dear friend, a Latin sleazer called Julian Eltinge. The two became an inseparable dynamic duo of fabulous. Within three house of meeting each other, Julian began to revitalize Hatshepsut's wardrobe. With Julian's natural talent in shopping, and her astounding knack of finding great deals on name brands, Hatshepsut was soon equipped with a new knockout look. Her outfits consisted of tantalizing dresses, outrageous heels, and anything or everything with sequences. However, Hatshepsut also began to disembark into what Julian liked to call 'night wear'.
The Egyptian queen had taken a liking to keeping tailored mens' clothing amongst her feminine gowns. Solid gold cuff links were mysteriously strewn about her dressers, and fake facial hair she shoved between her mattress; she was a cross dresser. At night she was Julian's male escort, with a classy pencil mustache and a perfectly tailored Prada suite.
A new social network arose form her underground life and Julian eased her into the extravagant lifestyle of cross dressing. She befriended J.Edgar Hoover, and a young beauty queen who had not yet decided on a suitable Egyptian drag name. Hatshepsut also became close friends with fair skinned Ancient Briton, with excellent taste in neck ties, by the name of Beau Brummell. Their friendship became famous within the underground scene, and they were know as the Gaggle of Four, not to be confused with the Gang of Four.
During this period of her life Hatshepsut's youngest child, 'Bibi' Moses, was born. However, due to her outfit choices not many could tell Hatshepsut was pregnant, and a rumor began that she pulled this child from a river. This news later alienated Moses into what historians believe to be a form of aquatic schizophrenia. Moses claimed to be possessed by an all-powerful creator, that his siblings and mother believed to be a made up senator (possibly Nancy Pelosi).
Hatshepsut's secret was kept under-wraps, and was not discovered until after her death. Her family was ashamed that a Pharaoh had been fishing for unwanted children with monotheistic tendencies and so the truth was disguised in slangy hieroglyphs that no one could understand - or at least, so it was believed. But a young and arrogant archeologist, Dr. Henry Walton, had no problem exposing Hatsheput's lies and turned the story into a film through a complex code involving women and snakes. Walton was later forced to change his name due to a pending lawsuit stemming from his hobby of rolling large stones in mines and misrepresenting Kali's reputation as a blood thirsty killer when she was in reality, a check-out girl at Bloomingdales. Dr. Walton is now known as Indiana Jones Jr.
In her later years Hatshepsut developed an overpowering want to travel the world. After some extensive research she decided that Stonehenge would be the begins of her world tour; she planned on ending in Amsterdam, a booming retirement community for Pharaohs.
Unfortunately, she only made it three days into her six year travel plans. On the third day her children and her reached the site of Stonehenge, where, at approximately 16:00 hours, her youngest son, Moses, and her engaged in a familiar argument. Moses had insisted, since the age of five, that he was chosen by a powerful leader of the heavens. He believed that he was chosen to lead a people called Jewish to freedom, and that these people were enslaved by his mother in Egypt. This perplexed both Hatshepsut and her other children; never in the history of her rule had any people, outside of the bondage community, been enslaved. When his delusions first began Hatshepsut believed her beloved son, and searched her kingdom for the supposed people called Jewish; but found no such people enslaved or free. This argument, for Hatshepsut, was of the tired verity and she was on vacation.
At approximately 16:30 Moses fell silent, and marched off towards the Red Sea. In a desperate attempt to salvage her vacation and relationship with her youngest son, Hatshepsut chased after him. He accused her of mistreating a Jewish, and seeing no one he killed Hatshepsut and attempted to hid her in the sand. The next day he saw his sister, Cleopatra, and his brother Ra-Ra fighting; and he said to the one who was wrong, "Why do you strike your fellow Hebrew?" Ra-Ra looked confused, and said, "Did you just call her a man? Do you mean Shebrew? Also, who made you a ruler and judge over us? Do you mean to kill me as you killed mom?" Moses's siblings disowned him, and recovered their beloved mother's body, carrying her remains back to Egypt in glass jar.
Revenge of Junior-Junior
Whilst Hatsheput was on her world travels, her nephew Tuthmoses III - a.k.a Junior-Junior - had managed to dodge the crocodiles and snakes his aunt allowed him to play with and grown up into a man. When he heard his hated aunt was dead, Tuthmoses defaced every image he could find of her and claimed she had never existed. As for siblings Cleopatra and Ra-Ra, they were buried in sand and forgotten about until their bodies were rediscovered by Hollywood to make a film called The Mummy. How imaginative!
- ↑ That's a lot of biblical cubits for those who know their measurements.
- ↑ What the other half was never got recorded.
- ↑ Next door to Wah? and Uhm
- ↑ Pyramids were for old Egyptian fogies.
- ↑ One of Toothy's brats by one of his regular romping partners.
- ↑ A gift from someone. Hatsheput was forgetful with names
- ↑ 'She' chose the name Clyde Tolson which wasn't even close to Upper or Lower Egypt.
- ↑ Sham Dynasty, in between the Tango and Minge dynasties
- ↑ The fate of Othermoses was never established. Did you miss his story though, seriously??