Petersfield

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Petersfield Estate Agents copy

The Cubitt and West shop visible in this photo fades in and out of view during different months of the year. As yet, the science behind this astounding phenomenon has remained elusive to local researchers.

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Petersfield.

The area in and around the location which Petersfield is now situated in once played host to the Great English Exodus, whereby all the inhabitants of England dug a hole through to Europe, so that they could escape their constantly-overcast and drizzly country by traveling underneath the English Channel. The planning blueprints for Petersfield then changed its location due to the construction of the giant hole, and the abandoned tunnel later became the Channel Tunnel, which the Eurostar train travels through from London to Paris. Their is a small plaque on the wall of the tunnel confirming this, I assure you. Petersfield itself is in a location in England where Peter Monroe, the serial killer from Bermuda, made his last stand against the British redcoats as they surrounded him in a field which is now the town centre. Peter, a man who claimed psionic powers and affiliations with God, committed suicide by shooting himself in the head, screaming that he'd sooner die than let the 'beef-fucking bastard redcoats have him for breakfast'.

With this colorful history behind it, Petersfield flourished into one of the quaint market towns which are now fairly common in southern England. It has a Tescos, a Blockbuster, a Waitrose, and also once boasted a single club called 'Vertigo', which has now been closed as the town council realized that they were all getting a bit old for clubbing anyway.

Geographical Location

Petersfieldmap

Aerial image of Petersfield. The main roads were painted in bright primary colors to avoid confusion with the otherwise monotonous background in 1976.

Research into the bedrock underneath Petersfield shows that it may be concealing a violently active volcano named Mt Vesuvius. Further research shows that Vesuvius is in fact situated in Italy, and Petersfield is completely geographically uninteresting.

In terms of England as a whole, Petersfield is located in the county of Hampshire, which is...hmmm...ok, well imagine if the United Kingdom was a dragon, Scotland would be the head, with its open mouth roaring, England would be the body, and Wales would be the wings, and Ireland would be some kind of weird fourth appendage, then if we continue with this metaphor, Hampshire is right where the Dragon's ass would be.

That's not to say it isn't a nice place. Actually the worst bit is probably the Dragon's neck, around Liverpool and Manchester. That's where the shit actually comes out.

Commerce

Petersfield plays host to the following franchises:

  • Waitrose: shopping for those who can't see anything but the inside of their own anus.
  • Tescos: megastore imperialists
  • Blockbuster: movie rentals and weed distrubutor (or at least the guy who lives above it supposedly deals hash occasionally).
  • Costa Coffee: coffee shop in constant competition with...
  • Cafe Neros: the competitor of Costa coffee, two shops locked in an eternal deathmatch where only one can be the victor.
  • Focus: DIY handyman hang-out for middle-aged decaying men who build patios to try and distract them from their crushing impotence.
  • Millets: hiking store for supplying everything you need to escape this drab little town.

Alongside these operate many other flourishing small-time businesses and vendors, most of which sell furniture or pet-keeping peripherals.

How to get there

To get to Petersfield, first, get to London, then get on a train at Waterloo station which is heading for Portsmouth Harbour or Portsmouth & Southsea. The announcer will tell you when you've reached Petersfield station. Depart the train and head North until you reach town center. Follow these steps in reverse when you realize what a horrible mistake you've made in going there.

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